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Joke gallery

I like the version of that joke that was floating around back in the '80's. In it he decided it was a toss-up, and that he would wait until the next morning and let fate decide. Whichever one of them took the first break to visit the water cooler would be the one who would get the ax.

Linda was first. She reached into her purse, grabbed a bottle of aspirin and went to the water cooler.

The presence of the aspirin in the lead-up (in my opinion) adds a bit of punch to the punch line. :D
 
A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is your problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"
 
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'
 
Excuse me if I have told this joke before.

A man was at a bar having a quite drink when he notices two large women chatting to themselves in what appeared to him a Scottish accent. So he politely asks. " Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of the largish ladies replies in a stern voice. " Wales" " I beg your pardon madam, are you two whales from Scotland?"

It was the last thing the gentleman remembers. But the doctors in the ICU say he should make an almost full recovery, but may walk with a slight limp.
 
Excuse me if I have told this joke before.

A man was at a bar having a quite drink when he notices two large women chatting to themselves in what appeared to him a Scottish accent. So he politely asks. " Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of the largish ladies replies in a stern voice. " Wales" " I beg your pardon madam, are you two whales from Scotland?"

It was the last thing the gentleman remembers. But the doctors in the ICU say he should make an almost full recovery, but may walk with a slight limp.

I think you posted it as a pic

F349C6C9-5C9B-4C5C-866E-173EB2CE3BA1.jpeg
 
Excuse me if I have told this joke before.

A man was at a bar having a quite drink when he notices two large women chatting to themselves in what appeared to him a Scottish accent. So he politely asks. " Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of the largish ladies replies in a stern voice. " Wales" " I beg your pardon madam, are you two whales from Scotland?"

It was the last thing the gentleman remembers. But the doctors in the ICU say he should make an almost full recovery, but may walk with a slight limp.

I think you posted it as a pic

View attachment 22876

This is the better version. :floofsmile:
 
I boarded a plane recently. Whilst squeezing to my seat I saw a friend.
"Hi, Jack" I said.
Funny thing then happened. 3 blokes just jumped me.


I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal…
Elon-gate would be really drawn out.
 
My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”

She said, “How about now?”
 
What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
Give me a beer and a mop.

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
 
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
 
A lawyer tells his client he has good and bad news.
"Tell me the bad news first" says the client.
"The crime scene blood results have been returned. It is your blood on the victim."
"You call that bad news! What is the good news?" roars the client
"Your cholesterol is down to 5. "
 
More courtroom humor.


Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.

“He’s lying!” he yelled. “There were only three of us.”
 
I went to an employer-required gender sensitivity training the other day. The teacher called on me with the question, "How do you view lesbian relationships?"

Apparently "Full 4K HD" wasn't the right answer.
 
Tom's wife had been dropping none too subtle hints about what she wanted for her birthday. She told him: " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 150 in under six seconds."

So he got up early the next day, wrapped her gift, and left it on the driveway. It was bathroom scales.

He is due out of hospital any day now.
 
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