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Joke gallery

The difference between men and women is that women like clothes.

This is made clear when you realise that women's magazines are full of pictures of women wearing the latest clothes; While men's magazines are full of pictures of women NOT wearing the latest clothes.
 
Boudreaux is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses other than his family to be present, and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Tee-Boud, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
My daughter "Joleene, you take the apartments over in the east end.
My son, "Hebert, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.
Marie, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of
the river.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Boudreaux slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Boudreaux, your husband must have been a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Marie replies, "Property ?? .... the sorry son of a bitch had a newspaper route!"
 
An Adults only joke.

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
 
NASA wanted to hold a 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing on the moon itself.
But doubts remained.
They were worried that the party would lack atmosphere.
 
Elixir said:
angelo said:
View attachment 22656
Click to expand...

Which raises the question...
Does being a member of the Flat Earth Society mean that you automatically deny global warming?
Click to expand...

Perhaps they just call it 'planetary warming'.

But then, do Flat Earthers consider the Earth to be a planet? And if not, what do they think it is, and what do they think the other planets are?
 
"Former Vice President Al Gore starring in a new documentary about global warming.

I believe it's called [Leno snores]. ... The film actually features Al Gore and explores his journey on how he first got interested in temperature change. It started back when he was vice president. He noticed how the temperature would change, like whenever Bill would walk into the room, it would get warm and whenever Hillary walked into the room, it got cold." --Jay Leno
 
A blonde guy goes to a local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but the store manager comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and can't believe his eyes. He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. He puts the glasses back on, and everyone is naked!
He rushes home and is eager to show his new toy to his wife, but he can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom where he finds his wife and the mailman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they're still naked.
"Damn!" he says. "I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
 
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, " I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. You see...


...today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

 
My wife left me because of my views on the environment.
I tried saving water by showering with the neighbour's daughter.
 
The boss is meeting with his office manager. He says, 'We're cutting down on personnel. I need you to dismiss one of your staff today. You make the call, and I'll back you.'
The manager lets out a moan and points out the window into the outer office. 'How can I do that? It'll either be Linda or Jack. Look at them -- Linda's typing away; she's our best worker. Jack's been here for years; he knows the place better than I do.'
The boss says, 'That's why you're a manager. You make the call.'
Later that morning, the manager calls Linda into his office. He sighs and tells her, 'I have to make a real tough decision, and I hate to put it to you this way, but I'm either going to lay you or Jack off.'
She says, 'You'll have to jack off, sir, because I have one bitch of a headache.'
 
ideologyhunter said:
The boss is meeting with his office manager. He says, 'We're cutting down on personnel. I need you to dismiss one of your staff today. You make the call, and I'll back you.'
The manager lets out a moan and points out the window into the outer office. 'How can I do that? It'll either be Linda or Jack. Look at them -- Linda's typing away; she's our best worker. Jack's been here for years; he knows the place better than I do.'
The boss says, 'That's why you're a manager. You make the call.'
Later that morning, the manager calls Linda into his office. He sighs and tells her, 'I have to make a real tough decision, and I hate to put it to you this way, but I'm either going to lay you or Jack off.'
She says, 'You'll have to jack off, sir, because I have one bitch of a headache.'
Click to expand...

*deleted*
 
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