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Let me get out of the gutter for a minute........

Toughest job I ever attempted was selling doors, door-to- door. I'd ring the bell and when the occupant answered : I'd say: " Can I interest you in a ......oh, shit, you've already got one haven't you?"
 
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful, woman, who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

She said, “get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive and being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
 
spikepipsqueak said:
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful, woman, who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

She said, “get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive and being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
Click to expand...

:hysterical:
 
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty one year olds?

There are twenty of them.
 
That made me laugh
Then it made me angry with myself for laughing
Then it made me angry with you for making me laugh
Then I just laughed again

:)
 
An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?

The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."

The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 
Apologies if Iv'e told this one before............................

A mother rabbit to her small bunny : " A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions!"
 
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
 
A spinster in an old people's home welcomed the new arrival who came straight from a jail. She asked the new arrival the usual questions
How are you and what did you go to jail for. He replied : I murdered my wife, I cut her body up into pieces then disposed of the body parts into rubbish bins. I also butchered her nagging mother and did the same.
" Cooled the spinster, that means your single! "
 
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