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Joke gallery

In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars. He asked the pastor, “Who are these people?” The pastor said, “Those are members from our church who died in the service.” The boy asked, “The early service or the second service?”
 
JUST after opening time, a koala walks into a pub, climbs up on a bar stool and orders a beer.
The barman pours the beer and the koala reaches into his pouch and pays with $50.

Taking the note, the barman opens the till, but this early in the day there's no change, only $5.

"He's only a koala, he won't notice," thinks the barman as he hands over the $5 as change.

The barman says: "We don't get many koalas in here."

The koala answers: "At 45 dollars a beer, I'm not surprised."
 
A few Pies jokes just for you Tigers..............................

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side



What's the difference between the Collingwood fan and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste 25 matches.



How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!


What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I'll have fries with that thanks


2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman
 
angelo said:
A few Pies jokes just for you Tigers..............................

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side



What's the difference between the Collingwood fan and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste 25 matches.



How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!


What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I'll have fries with that thanks


2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman
Click to expand...

Oldies but still goodies
 
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?
 
angelo said:
A few Pies jokes just for you Tigers..............................

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side



What's the difference between the Collingwood fan and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste 25 matches.



How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!


What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I'll have fries with that thanks


2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman
Click to expand...

Breaking local news:
The last dentist in Collingwood has closed.
There were not enough teeth to keep him in business.
 
Want to know the secret to making your spouse/partner go mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm all night long?

Duct tape.
 
I was just told that the Mayor of Baltimore has asked people to stop shooting each other - because they need the beds.
 
spikepipsqueak said:
I was just told that the Mayor of Baltimore has asked people to stop shooting each other - because they need the beds.
Click to expand...

I don't get it. Shouldn't he be begging them to aim better so every shooting frees up a bed?
 
Tigers! said:
I should delete my version of 2020 and re-install.
Mine seems to have a bad virus.
Click to expand...

Sounds like a plan. This should have been the year of perfect vision--but my eye doc tells me I have a small cataract!
 
Ah, yes, but there's a problem. 2020 version 2 is still in Beta testing. The NPC's are trying their best to figure it out. But, y'know, NPC's don't think particularly smart. We need a bit of reprogramming.
 
A man rang his wife from the pub.
"Terrible news dear, Bert just been diagnosed with coronavirus. We have been restricted to the pub.
See you in 14 days."
 
A couple more coronavirus jokes

My wife kicked me out of bed last night. Says she is practicing social distancing.

I will postpone my funeral until after COVID-19 is well and truly gone. I am certain that more than 100 people will wish to attend to make sure that I am truly dead.
 
Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
 
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