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Harkins is showing his boss his new ad poster for the Tite-Grip Nails account. He puts the poster on the easel and it shows Jesus on the cross with a smiling centurion in the foreground, saying, "With Tite-Grip Nails, it stays up!"
"Harkins, are you out of your fucking mind? We'll be killed if we run with this. The Christians will have our ass. I'd fire you now, but I have no one else to work this account. Now get me another poster, and you better have no Romans crucifying Jesus!"
The next day Harkins is ready with a new poster. This one has an empty cross, and Jesus running across the hills in the distance with a pack of centurions chasing him. An angry centurion is in the foreground, saying, "We should have used Tite-Grip Nails!"
 
Did I tell you? My buddies all pitched in and got me a sweater for my birthday.

The only problem is, what I asked for was a moaner or a screamer.
 
So, a woman is on a business trip. Scheduling failures end up with her having to spend a three-day weekend in her hotel.

Bored, lonely, frustrated, she comes across an ad for an escort service. It hits her just right. She dials the number.

A man answers, "Can I help you?"

"I want an escort," she says. "I want him for all day." She proceeds to list all the things she wants to do, and to have done to her, the accessories to bring, the lubricants, the marital aids. "And price is no object," she finally finishes.

After a moment, the voice says, "Okay. Um, you know you have to dial 9 for an outside line, right?"
 
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?


Well, I am very glad you asked me that, and I will get to it in a minute, but what I am hearing from voters is that they would like to know why the bulb was left unchanged for almost five years by the previous government. Despite our party having taken all of the necessary steps, including securing budgetary authority to make the change during our previous term in office, it's quite clear that they simply wasted the opportunity presented, and caused unnecessary hardships to many working families in marginal constituencies. By contrast, our administration has a clear policy direction that will result in measurable gains in total lightbulbs changed in real terms, within the first few years of our term in government, a commitment that our opponents not only could not make, but could not come close to meeting. The number of bulbs changed per fiscal year, when adjusted for inflation, has been lower during the last four terms of office by our opponents than in any of the last three quarters, during which I and my good colleague the Minister for Electrical and Lighting Affairs have made significant progress in repairing the clear harm done to working families and decent, law abiding, citizens of our great nation, who are frankly sick and tired of inaction and needless red-tape from successive administrations mismanaged by our opponents. So to answer your original question, let me firstly point out that... Oh, sorry, are we out of time?

 
A classy lady walks into the doctor's office. She's got on Prada spike heels, a slinky black Italian v-neck dress, silver earrings, and she has foxy dip-dyed hair. She says, "Doctor, I was bitten yesterday by some stinging insect, but I just can't tell you where. I would be totally embarrassed."
The doctor says, "Let me set your mind at ease. Whatever you tell me in this office is kept in strictest confidence. Now, where exactly were you bitten?"
Her eyes widen, she takes a deep breath, and whispers, "WalMart..."
 
On to dick jokes:

Confucius say man who go through airport turnstile sideways with erection is going to Bangkok.

Doctor: Now, Dan, just relax, and you won't get an erection during the prostate exam.
Patient: I'm Mark.
Doctor: Right. I'm Dan.


What's the hardest part about attending Trump's funeral?

Your boner.

 
A woman says to her doctor, "I'm having the weirdest symptoms, and they don't make sense at all. Lately when I wake up, I have postage stamps from Honduras in my vagina. Here's one, so you know I'm not making this up."
The doctor looks at it and says, "That's the sticker off a banana."
 
The Australian Psychics and Clairvoyants recently held their 2021 AGM.

First item on the agenda was the reading of the 2022 AGM minutes.
 
A deaf couple is having a conversation. She signs, "Honey, we're not communicating our personal needs. You know why? We can't sign each other with the lights off. So do this. If the lights are out and you wish to have sex, reach over and give my left boob a little yank. If you do not wish to have sex, give my right boob a little yank."
He signs back, "That's brilliant! And if you wish to have sex, reach over and give my dick a little yank. If you do not wish to have sex, give it fifty or sixty little yanks."
 
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