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Movie alphabet

X

The Empyrex Strikes Back

The Rebellion has struck a mighty blow against the Galactic government, but the Emperor seems unusually bothered by, and focused on, the rumors of actual Jedi running around again. The Stormtroopers recieve a tactical upgrade of layers of clear, low-thermal-expansion borosilicate glass in their armor, including theor headsets and gloves. The goal is to make them resistant to light sabers, but turns out to also be nearly impervious to little zippy bursts of light from handheld weapons.
"Cool," say half of the newly impervious Imperials.
"Why didn't we have this shit before?" ask the other half.
Half of those troopers discover that their helmets can be used to boil water, now. Probably shouldn't do it on duty, what with having to don it suddenly if an officer enters the room...
Half of those troopers ask, "Wonder what the Emperor will pull outta his ass if we ever see FOUR Jedi Knights?"
 
Y

Mister Men - Documentary of the 80s session musicians band Mr. Mister. Had interesting moments such as when they came up with a song of a girl with a name with twelve syllables but only five letters.

The documentary gets a bit dry when the drummer goes into his stint with King Crimson.
 
Z

Conti-zen-tal Divide
John Belushi vehicle. A Chicago investigative reporter simultaneously approaches burn-out, liver failure, a heart attack, repossession and a probable attempt on his life by at least one of: corrupt politicians; corrupt cops; 2 ex-wives; the city taxi industry; stripprrs at four lounges; his publisher; the subjects of his last ten front-page articles.

His editor sends him on a retreat to a Rocky Mountain yoga spa where he is invited to find inner peace. He stands astride the Continental Divide where it runs across the spa's property. Then he challenges the other seekers. "If i piss down my left leg, it'll eventually reach the Pacific. If my right, it'll eventually reach the Atlantic. Who wants to bet?"
He does not find inner peace, but he does bone the nutritionist, so he calls it a productive vacation.
 
A

The Guanas of Navarone

Billed as a WWII thriller about a commando sent to disable massive Axis guns overlooking the route a task force must sail to rescue Allied troops. For reasons not explained in the entire movie, the team decides that the effective way to accomplish the mission is to strap bombs to a horde of wild iguanas, get them hopped up on cocaine, and release them into the gun base ventilation shafts. Seriously, the reason just never comes up in the briefing, or as the characters smuggle fifty-three lizards behind enemy lines, or as they dose the damned things.
Years later, interviews with the director, writers, actors, iguana wranglers, none could justify the idea, nor could anyone identify the source.
From David Niven's memoirs: "And of course, this wars years before any real sort of special effects. Back then, iguanas WERE the special effects when you needed a dinosaur. So, I get to Kiellos, a wonderful Greek island, playing the part of Navarone, and the first thing they hand me is an iguana stick. Those little fuckers were everywhere.
"I don't know why we were using iguanas for the plot, but i do know why we used 53 of them. The script called for two hundred. Three hundred were shipped. Four were eaten by the crew in the belief this was craft services for the shoot. Two hundred and forty three escaped. We filmed with the remainder. They're still on Kiellos. Or, you know, their great-great-grand-iguanas. Probably why no one will admit to suggesting, approving, or implementing the idea."

Gregory Peck: "Yes. Everywhere. Everyfuckingwhere. We almost didn't finish the picture becausevofbthe 'guanas. You'd take your mark, deliver your lines, everyone was satisfied, and it turns out a loose lizard was in the shot. Certainly, EVERY TIME someone had a line like, 'don't let the lizards escape' or 'at least all the cages are intact,' you KNEW there was a fucking iguana in the background, making a joke of continuity."
 
B

The Bight of the Iguana
(sequel to the above)

Gregory Peck gets ordained as a minister, steals a bus and winds up in a hotel room located in a lizard-ridden cove, where he spends a long night battling his weaknesses for both flesh and alcohol.
<spoiler alert>
At the end he succumbs to the charms of the hotel owner.
 
C

The Cite Of The Iguana
In 1943, Gregory Peck is a biology professor who is suspicious about a study one of his students refers to. This is before google or any plagiarism computer resources are even dreamed of.
His pursuit of the alleged study leads to an actual research project in tge Galapagos, confirming the fictional results of the made-up reference cited.
Big laughs for all.
 
D

The Diet of the Iguana

Gregory Peck's bus breaks down in the desert. As help fails to show up for weeks, passengers turn to cannibalism. As the last survivor with nobody else to eat, Peck learns to capture and cook iguanas. In the final soliloquy, he wonders why they never though of that before starting to eat each other.
 
E

Night of the Eguana

Peck's organic diner is trying to help indigenous peoples, and the evironment, by stocking wild-captured iguana meat, rather than factory-farmed chicken. A computerized presentation highlights the process and convinces Peck to participate. Further virtual training prepares the staff for the new stock. On the night of the grand reopening, though, there is no meat to serve. Turns out the promotion was aimed at virtual diners, and all the iguanas are electronic.
 
F

The Fight of the Iguana

Richard Burton crashes a bus in a mexican desert and proceeds to get shitfaced on tequila. Delirious on alcohol, Burton trashes his hotel room when he hallucinates a giant Iguana trying to eat him.
 
G

The Night of the Guano

A drunken Richard Burton crashes a bus in the Mexican desert. Stumbling his way to the next town, he falls into a hole in the ground and ends up in a cave full of bats. As terrible as it seemed, the bat shit on the floor of the cave was about a foot thick and turned out to be very comfortable to sleep on.
 
H

The Height of the Iguana

Richard Burton voices the part of Drago, the protagonist in this animated adventure. A group of iguanas try to agree on who is to be their leader. Lacking any other criterion upon which to make the determination, it is decided that the iguana with the tallest crest will become King. Hilarity ensues when the effort to line up side by side on a thin branch in order to compare their crests, results in most of the iguanas falling to their deaths, leaving only Drago to rule over a non-existent population.
 
I

Codependence Day

A race of technologically superior Iguanas come to Earth and begin laying waste to humanity. Mankind's codependence on the Iguanas continues to enable their annihilation, as mankind just lets themselves be killed over and over and over until they are all killed. Iguanas then have lots of iguana sex on Earth. Not certain why that was in the movie.
 
Jimmy Higgins said:
I

Codependence Day

A race of technologically superior Iguanas come to Earth and begin laying waste to humanity. Mankind's codependence on the Iguanas continues to enable their annihilation, as mankind just lets themselves be killed over and over and over until they are all killed. Iguanas then have lots of iguana sex on Earth. Not certain why that was in the movie.
Click to expand...

For the Iguanas, that's why it was in the movie. How did you not get that?
FWIW I think I liked the book better.
 
Elixir said:
Jimmy Higgins said:
I

Codependence Day

A race of technologically superior Iguanas come to Earth and begin laying waste to humanity. Mankind's codependence on the Iguanas continues to enable their annihilation, as mankind just lets themselves be killed over and over and over until they are all killed. Iguanas then have lots of iguana sex on Earth. Not certain why that was in the movie.
Click to expand...

For the Iguanas, that's why it was in the movie. How did you not get that?
FWIW I think I liked the book better.
Click to expand...
TRUE fans prefer the graphic novel. All the best dialogue, and all the planned special effects without budget constraints.
And the lead iguana is NOT voiced by Pee Wee Herman.
 
J
Night of the JIGuana

At the unveiling of the JPMorgan International Growth (JIG) fund, an offhand remark by a Morgan VP is misinterpreted. He inquired as to whether the fund needed a mascot. An aide interpreted 'JIG? Wanna mascot?' As 'Get iguana mascots.'
Alcohol may have been involved.
The following is a rip-off of 'Under The Rainbow,' where an underling works to acquire all the necessary iguanas the way they acquired Munchkins for Wizard of Oz.
 
K

Knight of the Iguana - An Iguana Princess is captured by a dragon and a Prince must go and rescue her. The Prince battles ferocious beasts and ultimately slays the dragon, and is near the point of death, having suffered tremendous injuries that would take years to heel. He manages to get into the Iguana Princess's tower room. He bends over and kisses her.

...

And nothing changes, it appears that she was just an Iguana after all. The Prince, who is distraught and out of his mind, leaps out of tower window to his death. About two minutes later, the Iguana Princess turns back into a human, shrugs her shoulders and heads back home.
 
L

Light of the Iguana

Waking up in the bat cave after a night of sleeping on Guano, Richard Burton finds himself in the dark. He does have a Bic lighter, but it's almost out of fuel. Lucky for Burton, he spied the dried up carcass of an iguana that fell into the cave ages ago. He is able to set its tail on fire, and it serves as a good enough torch to let him navigate back to hole where he fell into the cave.
The rest of the movie consists of Richard Burton piling up guano by hand until it is high enough to allow him to crawl out of the hole.
 
M

Might of the Iguana
An iguana is bitten by a radioactive spider. Crawls up walls and eats gekkos that could previously escape it. No moral angst, no motivation to better anyone else's lives.
 
M

Might of the Iguana

Drunk as usual, Richard Burton crashes his bus in the middle of a Mexican desert. He stumbles into a village where the locals ask him for his Rolex in exchange for safe passage out of the desert. When Burton balks at the deal, the villagers offer him a wager - if he catch and subdue their champion Iguana, they'll carry him to the next town. Having accepted the offer, Burton is horrified when he is shown to a vast enclosure containing nothing but an eight foot iguana that proceeds to bite his head off, whereupon the villagers rush in, grab the Rolex and let the iguana finish its meal.
 
N

Night of the Iguananana

Drunk Richard Burton (note: NOT Richard Burton playing a drunk character. He would only do the role if he could actually drink as much as the script said the character drank.)(Which turned not to be enough to actually make Richard Burton drunk. But Richard Harris smuggled in a shitload of booze, and anyone who saw them drinking assumed it was the authorized supply.) crashes his bus in Mexico. Finds himself in a field full of Iguanas. He seems to think the lizards are an orchestra and conducts them to produce music. A desperate director adds Beethoven's Fifth to the scene, trying to map a route back to the remains of the plot.
 
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