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Movie alphabet

E

Hedge of Tomorrow - Story about an arrogant guy that tries to grow a hedge in his yard. But the ground and lighting conditions are difficult and he keeps killing the hedge, but every time the hedge dies, the guy goes back in time to when he just bought the hedge at the landscaping place. Each subsequent time, he gets a little more progress with the hedge and then it finally takes. But it take over one hundred times to get there, and while it was only about a maximum of a years' time, the guy aged something like 10000 years mentally, and all he would ever think about was the hedge and keeping it alive. His remaining years of life were awful, and he died a broken man.
 
F

The Mall of the Roman Empire

Marcus Aurelius goes shopping. Considered as the last of the Five Good shoppers whose purchases are considered the best in Roman imperial history.
Commodus hits the dollar stores with purchases that are far below the standard set by his father.
 
G

The Man With The Olden Gun

Bond tracks an international assassin who exclusively uses a Winchester Model 1873 lever action rifle to make his kills.
Betting that the killer is a cowboy history buff, Bond baits a trap in Montana and corners his target in the Charles Russell Museum. Leaves the body in a 'shootout' exhibit just completed.
 
H

Bulk - A scientist working on trying to develop a fruitier tang flavor is engulfed in a tragic accident with higgs bosons, causing his body to get supermassive.

Initially he didn’t use his powers for justice but that changed one day when someone fat shamed him, so he tore the guy in half like a phone book.

With his new mission and his education in the flavors of orange drinks, The Incredible Bulk crusades against fat shamers and rips them into two like a phone book.
 
I

Monty Python's Life of Bran (1979)

A rollicking, rowdy, irreverant view of the way wheat husks travel thru a mill, a bakery, and the gastrointestinal tract. Laugh-a-minute dialogue such as "Good Christ, it's GRIST!"; catchy songs, including the dance extravaganza of, "Diving Through Diverting Diverticulitis"; and edge-of-your-seat chase scenes around the intestine. "Which way did he go?" "What are you talking about, there's only one way he CAN go?"

Kind of a shitty ending, though....
 
J

White Men Can’t Sump - A film about a construction crew that suck at dewatering their excavation. They get away with their stupidity by blaming their failures on the engineers of the project and get away with it thanks to their political connections.

Four years later they all die in a plane crash that the Dandyman was the pilot.
 
J

Haws

Story of the events of the 2015 Noojee Log Pull, when one horse's tendency to veer to the left had tragic consequences for spectators.
 
K

Kant Buy Me Love

American teen romantic comedy film, a story about a nerd at a high school in Tucson, Arizona who gives a cheerleader $1,000 to pretend to be his girlfriend for a month. To his surprise, the cheerleader woos him by quoting Immanuel Kant, arguing that dating is a thing in and of itself, but the nature of dating, ie whether they're posing as lovers or falling in love, is a question that cannot be answered, though she is willing to explore the possibilities. In the end, he offers her another $1000 to shut the fuck up.
Silence, she argues, is a discrete thing, but the nature of any instance of silence, such as the possibility she has nothing to say, OR has a lot to say, but chooses not to express it, OR has expressed it, but his eyes glazed over, and he remembers nothing of twenty minutes of lecture, basically hypnotized into a coma while she went thru his wallet, taking his money, his mom's Mastercard, and his library card, since he's clearly underutilizingnthe resource.
 
L

Weaving Las Vegas - Futuristic look at what a climate changed Las Vegas appears to become. Despite being very hot in a normal climate, climate change led to a less hot Las Vegas, which required people to dress warmer than they had been accustomed to. This led a woman named Marge Everbee to try and knit scarves and mittens for the homeless in Las Vegas.
 
N

Never Say Lever Again - The untold, and primarily untrue, story of Archimedes, one of the greatest engineers to live, ever. TLC having been heavily criticized for abandoning its roots as an educational channel, tried to reach out of its successful comfort zone and created a film that they thought would inspire people.

What we got was a film that seemed to mistake the life and achievement of Archimedes for the trials of Galileo. The film portrayed Archimedes as an outcasted inventor who was ostracized by those around him for coming up with, and I quote “dumb dumb ideas”. One after the other, The hydraulic screw, the lever, the hanging diorama that balances itself, came out and he was mocked for not liking things as they were. Shunned by society, he was outcasted to live in a cave.

That is until a Sharknado swept into Greeke. Yeah they misspelled it. The people came and begged for him to help them. He went into a long and poorly written monologue about progress.

And he goes out, gives people TNT (something he didn’t invent) to drop into the Sharknados because ‘it is an idea so crazy, it has to work’.

Needless to say, you don’t need to see this.
 
O

2fer - 'cos I couldn't choose.


The Last Block Man in San Francisco.

In a dystopian future, the last Lego Master defends his stash of bricks and his beautiful, and oddly useful, creations.


I List My Body.

In a Lennonish protest, a determined performance artist vows to walk lopsided until Israel and the Palestinians find some amicable solution.
 
P

The Bath to Bower.

This film has the feel of both The Go-between and Chelsea Girls. It is a realtime representation of a woman's preparation for her second tryst with her extra marital lover.
 
Q

The Quarterboy - Adam Sandler plays the part of a socially challenged member of the staff of a college football team. His main job is to tend to gear and put things up, but he gets great satisfaction out of announcing the end of each quarter during the game, as if nobody would know it without his proclamation. He gets teased mercilessly by the players who refer to him as "Quarterboy." One day in anger he shoves the biggest player on the team, a 380 pound defensive tackle. Turns out that was a bad mistake. The player gives him a really bad ass-whipping and he doesn't ever do anything like that again. The end. Boo.... hiss....
 
R

The Naked Farce

Roger Moore as psychologist who becomes entangled in about seven murder investigations. One victim was his patient, one his secretary, one his wife or maybe her identical twin, one is a serial killer whose intended victim was a much better serial killer, and on and on.
He's faced with state and federal law enforcement of overlapping jurisdictions, competing budgets, complicated corruption, and a smorgasbord of addictions.
He is variously considered a victim, witness, consultant, suspect, and at one scene they thought he was the lead detective and gave him the police artist sketch of the killer - not realizing it was HIM in the drawing.
It all ends with a sixteen-side shootout in the mall, killers vs. cops vs. feds vs. a confused but enthusiastic mall cop.


Bonus idea:
N

The Joyn Of Sex
Andy Warhol published a version of the Kama Sutra where he highlighted the 'joyn,' the point of 'joyful union,' with fluorescent markers. This is the movie version, a porno 'enhanced' with flickering lines of no-no places in sweaty contact.
 
S

Rex and the Single Girl - Odd film from the 60s which was a Flintstone project, where a single woman, a columnist for The Daily Granite, was dating dinosaurs. She was trying to provide context to women readings of The Daily Granite the differences between dating men and dating dinosaurs. Her headline was "Once you go dinosaur... you're gonna just be sore". It was kind of funny the first time they said it, but they just went to that well way too often. Admittedly, her experiment was really a disaster as dinosaurs aren't really compatible with humans, both in relationships (personal and sexual) as well as fitting inside houses.

I don't know why I even bothered finished watching this film, but hey... it's a living.
 
T

Tex And The Single Girl

Dr. Helen Gurley Brown wants to expand her brand into the world of The West, so she needs experience with denim-covered men and the women who must deal with them.
Tony Curtis' character, her newly wed husband, tries to fit into the new scene with a 'cowboy' outfit he bought in Manhattan. Rhinestones. So many Rhinestones. A running gag is every other Texan stares at his outfit, then asks, "Thet thing use reg'lar batteries, or you gotta order them special?"
 
U

The Bug Lebowski - This sequel to the 1988 film starring Jeff Bridges follows a few days in the life of his cousin Joe "The Dipshit" Lebowsky. Joe has a penchant for incessantly annoying the living shit out of everyone he meets. His ability to bug people borders on a super power, as people often start being annoyed hours in advance of meeting him for the first time.
 
V

Voltergeist

Father of three keeps getting startled by electronic toys. Weird hours, weird places, they make their sounds, burst into song, beep like a Star Wars character. He orders all toys turned off when not in use. Then he begins taking batteries out of the louder ones.
'Someone' puts a Kiki Dee tape in Teddy Ruxpin... at midnight. Dad stumbles thru the house, bitching about kids, house rules, and sure he took the battery out of the damned toy.
Teddy stops singing long enough to look him in the eye, say, "Who needs batteries? I've got the music in me!" Then continues singing....

Dad burns the house down.
 
W

Pho Framed Roger Rabbit - A terribly see-through film about a murder that Roger Rabbit is framed for. But the title fucking says Pho framed Roger Rabbit, so when there is only one character in the movie named Pho Gil Tee, the Asian architect for a new bus station, there isn't much suspense at all.
 
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