Sex and the older person

[rousseau]

To add or clarify, DD....

I think southernhybrid was thinking of asexuality. I don't know if you would consider yourself asexual or not (I'm guessing not) but in any case the term probably refers to a variety of dispositions (and is even a valid sexual orientation, imo, or perhaps gender role). Some might say it implies a simple lack of feeling sexual urges at all. Which I think would be misleading or at least not that useful, since it should imo cover 'not very strong urges' and therefore be part of a spectrum like almost everything else, where one could be mostly or partly asexual (or sexual). In other cases, I wonder if it could be extended to having urges but there being some kind of...... limitation.... to them, such as for instance not wanting to act on them in certain actual situations. Or it could be a mix of both a (relative) lack of urges combined with not preferring to act on them in certain situations, with one factor informing the other. Now I'm just rabbiting on. I'm not asexual, or should I say I'm largely sexual, or somewhere near the middle of the bell curve shall we say, so I'm only guessing what it or they might be like, and not assuming it's your preferred self-label in any case.

One rather personal question also springs to mind. Luckily there's anonymity here (and no intent to judge, on my part). Have you ever, do you ever or would you ever visit a prostitute? I only ask because it might serve to untangle some of the intertwining strands which are 'sex' on the one hand and 'relationship' (with all the extra baggage as it were) on the other.

One final question, do you recall ever feeling differently when you were younger, in terms of being more attracted to other people, male or female, or more inclined to want to act on that?

Nosey bastard, aren't I?

snip

Yea I've gotten the sense that this was your situation from a number of your posts. And even in reference to your, for lack of a better term, pessimism about other people, I also get that, even coming from a fairly healthy person.

On the first point it sounds to me like circumstances are getting in the way of what you really want out of your life, but you get that and accept it so I don't know that you can ask for more.

On the second point I get it. I'm lucky enough to be with a sensible person who's fun to be around, but when it comes to friendships I really struggle. It's hard to put into words but I don't seem to come across many people who get it, for lack of a better term. And for that reason I often find being around other people more of a chore than anything. So really, other than spending time with my partner, and occasionally our families, I'm pretty isolated. Truth be told I don't really mind because I enjoy my own company, but sometimes it can feel as though I'm a little under-stimulated.

The only place I ever seem to be really intellectually challenged anymore is at this and other forums, which is why I spend so much time online.

 

[DolphinDynasty]

I realize that you've had some very difficult times in your life, DD, so it's not a surprise that you're not very interested in sex. It certainly makes sense that someone with many problems, who also suffers from depression isn't going to have their sex life at the top of their list of important goals. I get that. Please excuse me if I get back on topic.

For those of us in good relationships, sex and intimacy usually go together. I only enjoy sex with intimacy, unless you're speaking of soloing it. I've been with the same man for 38 years and our sex life is as hot as ever, in some ways more so. With experience, one knows a lot more about exactly how to arouse and please a partner. And while I'd still enjoy getting naked and having us simply touching each other gently if we were to live to be 90, I certainly do enjoy orgasmic sex as does my partner.

To my knowledge, orgasms in older men and women aren't always as intense as they were when we were much younger, but they are very satisfying. Intense sex is a way of expressing one's emotions along with those yummy brain chemicals released during orgasm that have to do with bonding. For those women who have pain or discomfort during intercourse, there is no reason to give up, since there are so many ways of enjoying sex without penetration. I would encourage any woman who has pain not to give up. I've been in that situation but I've always been able to find a way to get around that problem. It's a matter of priorities. Being sexually active makes me feel desirable, sexy and physically satisfied. I would wish that same pleasure for all couples. Naturally there are times when physical illness and disability make it difficult or impossible, but until then.....

Now, having said all that, I'm going to mention my brother in law again. Within a few months after his wife suddenly left him, he was dating a woman half his age as well as paying a hooker for sex when he goes to Vegas. He's obviously affluent enough to do attract a young woman and travel when he wants. He's told my husband that he's loving the sex and has told his young girlfriend that he's not interested in a serious relationship. At least he's being honest with her. He's 61 years old, so apparently, it's still possible to enjoy casual sex in old age, at least for some people. I once had a patient who was about 70, who had plans to go away with a much younger woman for the weekend. He got some Viagra and was all excited about the prospect of sex, but the woman thought of him more as a father figure or friend, so she turned him down when he suggested they become intimate. Oddly enough, he told some of us all the details of his weekend. Poor guy died less than a year later. Anyway, I guess there are a lot of older people who still want to experience sexual pleasure, despite being old, and not having a lasting relationship. In my experience working with older adults, I find this to be more true of men than of women. Older women may want and enjoy sex, but they also want a more lasting relationship. I'm sure there are many exceptions in both cases.

I have had female friends in their 60s, who wanted a sex life but they also wanted a partner who cared about them. Considering that women usually live longer than men, it can be very challenging for an older straight woman to find a partner who wants both sex and a relationship. One of my friends was successful in finding both, but she was very persistent in looking. Anyway, unless someone has more to add, I guess that's all I have to say.

Cool story. I guess not having much of a libido probably does factor into my not caring enough about it or missing it even. To me, it just complicates things and is unnecessary since I'll neither procreate or enjoy it enough to make it a regular thing.

but in relation to the topic itself in older people and how sex has changed, as I age I find en less reason to go for it. It wouldn't matter if there were no strings attached. I'm not even sure it matters in terms of my life experiences either. I mean, the only guy I fucked that I was actually attracted t enough to want it was the first guy. Of course, he also knew what he was doing and it was very much a shared pleasure but it was still good that it ended after a couple of years.

I begin to think it's just so temporary, even if I had ten years with a guy, made a great relationship that has intimacy and sex, then it still won't be worth it because eventually either he'll get bored or I will, or one of us dies or something else attracts one of us away, blah blah blah.

Interesting posts from all though.

 

[Emily Lake]

A good quality lube is not an option. It's mandatory for almost all women that are post menopausal.

Yeah, no prob. I'm already thinking that. I'm just probably going to see how it goes first time before getting to that in due course (for reasons given). I mean, in a way, there's no problem of that sort to address yet, since there's no sex.

It might be worth bringing up when the next time you talk about sex in some way - it's entirely possible that it's part of the reason that there's no sex.

 

[Emily Lake]

Also, some of these effects happen when I get high, or when reading a good piece of smutty literature without baggage or shit-talk or stupidity or immorality to deal with, since I've concluded it is now entirely implausible to find someone like minded who isn't an asshole an also just doesn't like the messiness of sex. It's also quite messy.

Sex is definitely messy. And if the trade-off in pleasure versus mess isn't worth it for you... then it's not worth it. And that's okay.

There are many times that I prefer masturbation simply because of the lack of required clean-up afterward. But after many years of marriage, we've come to some reasonable agreement regarding mess. We go for it 1) on top of all the covers, not under and 2) lay down a towel first, and 3) keep a damp cloth handy for quick wipe-downs afterward. And there's still about a 75% chance that sex is followed by quick showers for us both!

But it's difficult to get to that kind of accommodation without a partner that you're very comfortable discussing it with... or you're super-strong-minded and willing to just lay it all out up front.

- - - Updated - - -

And now I wonder how many people have had just sex? And if it's just that, is it worth it?

I have had "just sex". When I was in my early 20s and hadn't gotten quite as comfortable with seeing to my own needs. In retrospect, no, it wasn't worth it.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

To me good sex is more about being intimate with a person you're in love with, and less about the physical sensation of it. I gotta think that even for people who are addicted to the sensations sans emotion, ultimately the act will be unfulfilling and not enough. What people really want is emotional intimacy, not orgasm.

I've been with my partner for just over five years now and have loved every second of it. I know the 'love' thing can be cliche', but we're really not your stereotypical couple. We don't advertise it, we don't flaunt it, we're just two people who genuinely enjoy each other's company and who want to spend the rest of their lives together. Having the chance to be physically intimate with someone who means that to you is where the value of sex comes from.

My two cents.

Seconded. Sex with the woman I love is one of the best things in life. Sex without emotions--I can't understand why people pay high prices for prostitutes.

 

[Jon Osterman]

I can't understand why people pay high prices for prostitutes.

I agree, though undoubtedly for different reasons. I had sex just last week, and it was as awful an experience as I have come to expect.

 

[rousseau]

To me good sex is more about being intimate with a person you're in love with, and less about the physical sensation of it. I gotta think that even for people who are addicted to the sensations sans emotion, ultimately the act will be unfulfilling and not enough. What people really want is emotional intimacy, not orgasm.

I've been with my partner for just over five years now and have loved every second of it. I know the 'love' thing can be cliche', but we're really not your stereotypical couple. We don't advertise it, we don't flaunt it, we're just two people who genuinely enjoy each other's company and who want to spend the rest of their lives together. Having the chance to be physically intimate with someone who means that to you is where the value of sex comes from.

My two cents.

Seconded. Sex with the woman I love is one of the best things in life. Sex without emotions--I can't understand why people pay high prices for prostitutes.

I can understand the novelty factor when you're young or don't have a lot of experience, or when hormone levels are high and you have no other outlet. Other than that, I can't understand much.

It was put well somewhere above when mentioned that people have a drop-off in hormone levels when they near middle age, it's probably at that point where sex starts tilting toward emotional payback rather than physical. You really gotta want to be with a person to actually go to the trouble.

 

[ruby sparks]

Ruby,

I know I would not use asexual to describe my situation or even how it was before my more recent choice in remaining celibate. I considered it for a time but there are still "urges" for a lack of a better term. I do still use porn and/or masturbation at times, though rare.

And funnily enough I did engage the services of a prostitute once, along with a boyfriend I had at the time. Although I participated out of curiosity, something that the lady said was rare as apparently women if involved tall will only watch not engage in sex acts at all, it was still just meh.

At most its maybe 3/4 to an hour of sweat, some pleasure, then orgasm if it occurs at all in a way that wasn't by me, and in terms of adding to a relationship it just doesn't do it for me.

The first guy was pretty awesome at it, though, and it was fine that it was mostly sex, some friendship on the side.

Now, in relation to my attractions, they haven't really altered in that it was always guys, to answer that question. The one foray I had with a chick out of curiosity, to see if it was different in some way, maybe more appealing, turned out be just that, a one-off. I can say in recent years I've developed a new curiosity in trying to learn what sex and everything else in life is to a guy, versus to a lady's perspective. But I've not had much luck cuz guys seem so off-put by questions on sex unless they're gonna have it soon after. Of course this is new for me, so maybe my questions need work too.

I would just echo what southernhybrid and rousseau said and add that I had no idea that you had experienced so many issues and problems in your life and that of course in the light of that your pov is very understandable, inasmuch as anyone can understand the 'predicament' (and we all have one) of another person. And I can do no more than wish you well and hope that things improve, one way or another. Ultimately, we are all, of course, going to obtain the 'blessed relief' of ceasing to exist, and thus ceasing to suffer, at some point (except that if you're an atheist like me you won't actually think you'll experience the relief afterwards). But I hope that things could also improve for you in some way at least in the meantime.

 

[ruby sparks]

Sex with the woman I love is one of the best things in life. Sex without emotions--I can't understand why people pay high prices for prostitutes.

I can understand the novelty factor when you're young or don't have a lot of experience, or when hormone levels are high and you have no other outlet. Other than that, I can't understand much.

It was put well somewhere above when mentioned that people have a drop-off in hormone levels when they near middle age, it's probably at that point where sex starts tilting toward emotional payback rather than physical. You really gotta want to be with a person to actually go to the trouble.

It's arguably two different things though, or two aspects of the same thing perhaps. We might loosely call them sex and love. They can be combined, sure, and this or that person might say that they prefer this or that combination, and I personally would largely agree with you and Loren on that. But that said, I can equally understand why some are willing to pay for prostitutes (or masturbate, or watch porn, etc). I suppose in some ways it's similar to liking food. You don't have to have a relationship with food to still really enjoy it and look forward to partaking of it (and varieties or novelties of it) and do it regularly and feel good afterwards (and indeed for that matter pay for it). I'm not suggesting a prostitute is the same as a meal, obviously.

Also, as you say, for some other people paying for a prostitute is one of what may be a very limited number of practical options.

Away from the topic of prostitution, but staying with the idea of sex as at least somewhat distinct from love, Erica Jong once famously invented the term 'zipless fuck' (defined as a sexual encounter for its own sake, without emotional involvement or commitment or any ulterior motive, between two previously unacquainted persons) and said that it should be a valid option for both sexes (and presumably all genders). She called it an 'absolutely pure' experience, though she said that he hadn't had such an experience. But the idea, idealistic as it may be, nonetheless greatly influenced both the feminism of the time (the 1970's) and notions of liberated women's sexuality in general.

To try to relate this slightly more to the OP, I suppose we could say that there shouldn't be or aren't any general age limits regarding this 'just sex'.....aspiration or activity.

 

[Bronzeage]

To me good sex is more about being intimate with a person you're in love with, and less about the physical sensation of it. I gotta think that even for people who are addicted to the sensations sans emotion, ultimately the act will be unfulfilling and not enough. What people really want is emotional intimacy, not orgasm.

I've been with my partner for just over five years now and have loved every second of it. I know the 'love' thing can be cliche', but we're really not your stereotypical couple. We don't advertise it, we don't flaunt it, we're just two people who genuinely enjoy each other's company and who want to spend the rest of their lives together. Having the chance to be physically intimate with someone who means that to you is where the value of sex comes from.

My two cents.

Seconded. Sex with the woman I love is one of the best things in life. Sex without emotions--I can't understand why people pay high prices for prostitutes.

I've never understood sex without love. I've fallen in love with every woman who would have sex with me.


That's great if you have a woman who loves you, and I highly recommend it. However, this need for a real human connection is so great, we'll settle for the next best thing, and if that's not available, the seventeenth next best thing.

A few years ago, a friend of mine lost her job as an administrative assistant. She planned to marry as soon as her fiance graduated. He already had a job in another city, so she didn't want to take another job, only to leave in a few months. She got a lead on a "work from home" computer job. This led to a phone interview with a woman who was looking for phone sex operators. That's the job title. It's mostly women, and a few men, who talk on the phone while a man on the line masturbates. She took the job.

It started with an online chat room, which went to private chat, where phone number and payment information were exchanged. It was all done with credit cards. A lot of her customers were in Canada, so with the exchange rate, her pay averaged to around $45/hr. I had a teaching contract at this time, which also paid 45/hr. We decided this was an industry standard for talking about something, but not actually doing it.

What this all means is, we want human contact and we need it so bad, some of us will accept an imitation so pale, it's almost laughable.In any case, back when Craigslist could offer this sort of thing, it was common to see a listing for "the girlfriend experience" or better yet, "the full girlfriend experience." It might be sex without emotion, but definitely a promise of the next best thing.

 

[ruby sparks]

I have had very nice feelings towards and about anyone I've ever had sex with, before, during, after and since, but I wouldn't say I've fallen in love with them necessarily. What is 'love' anyway? My guess is 'not one thing and not the same thing for everyone'. Some say that if hypothetically you were given an injection of certain chemicals, you'd fall in love with a chair.

 

[southernhybrid]

I agree with much of what Bronzeage has said. I wonder if the reason my brother in law has suddenly become so sexually active without any love or desire for a commitment is due to the emotional pain he felt when his wife of 35 years suddenly left him, without a clue as to why she left. Their marriage was sexless for at least five years, and I suspect that my BIL was already paying for sex, as he admitted that to my spouse, at least to some extent. I'm guessing that just having physical contact with others may be helping him deal with what has happened to him. Either that, or its revenge sex. I really don't know for sure, just guessing how he might feel.

Anyway, the fact that a 61 year old man is suddenly enjoying sex on a regular basis is at least anecdotal evidence that being sexually active isn't just for the young.

Oh and don't ever tell anything to your brother if you don't want his wife to know all the lurid details.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

To me good sex is more about being intimate with a person you're in love with, and less about the physical sensation of it. I gotta think that even for people who are addicted to the sensations sans emotion, ultimately the act will be unfulfilling and not enough. What people really want is emotional intimacy, not orgasm.

I've been with my partner for just over five years now and have loved every second of it. I know the 'love' thing can be cliche', but we're really not your stereotypical couple. We don't advertise it, we don't flaunt it, we're just two people who genuinely enjoy each other's company and who want to spend the rest of their lives together. Having the chance to be physically intimate with someone who means that to you is where the value of sex comes from.

My two cents.

Seconded. Sex with the woman I love is one of the best things in life. Sex without emotions--I can't understand why people pay high prices for prostitutes.

I can understand the novelty factor when you're young or don't have a lot of experience, or when hormone levels are high and you have no other outlet. Other than that, I can't understand much.

It was put well somewhere above when mentioned that people have a drop-off in hormone levels when they near middle age, it's probably at that point where sex starts tilting toward emotional payback rather than physical. You really gotta want to be with a person to actually go to the trouble.

It's not a matter of age--I've never seen how sex without emotions is worth what people pay for it.

 

[DolphinDynasty]

I can understand the novelty factor when you're young or don't have a lot of experience, or when hormone levels are high and you have no other outlet. Other than that, I can't understand much.

It was put well somewhere above when mentioned that people have a drop-off in hormone levels when they near middle age, it's probably at that point where sex starts tilting toward emotional payback rather than physical. You really gotta want to be with a person to actually go to the trouble.

It's not a matter of age--I've never seen how sex without emotions is worth what people pay for it.

People do not always pay for sex with emotions, just sayin'. In my twenties, sex for just pleasure was fine cuz it was awesome, if short n messy, sex.

 

[Bronzeage]

I agree with much of what Bronzeage has said. I wonder if the reason my brother in law has suddenly become so sexually active without any love or desire for a commitment is due to the emotional pain he felt when his wife of 35 years suddenly left him, without a clue as to why she left. Their marriage was sexless for at least five years, and I suspect that my BIL was already paying for sex, as he admitted that to my spouse, at least to some extent. I'm guessing that just having physical contact with others may be helping him deal with what has happened to him. Either that, or its revenge sex. I really don't know for sure, just guessing how he might feel.

Anyway, the fact that a 61 year old man is suddenly enjoying sex on a regular basis is at least anecdotal evidence that being sexually active isn't just for the young.

Oh and don't ever tell anything to your brother if you don't want his wife to know all the lurid details.

There is a structure in the male brain called the HITSLM, which stands for "Hey, I think she likes me." When the HITSLM is stimulated, it affects other parts of the brain, mostly the visual and reasoning centers. There is no greater aphrodisiac than the feeling that someone you find attractive, finds you attractive as well.

To the casual observer, a man under the influence of HITSLM may appear to have undergone a complete personality change and it's not far off the mark.

 

[ruby sparks]

Picking up on that...and straying off topic (again)...

Let's imagine the reverse scenario, the typical female brain, which (surely) has a corresponding structure which we might call HITHLM.

Because we've all got Sub-program B embedded. B for breed. It may expire at different times for different sexes though. That's not to say that it isn't still fun to run it in demo mode after that.

But, assuming both their Sub-program B's are still running, what is she to do? The same thing that a typical man wants to do?

Well, perhaps. Perhaps if we were a species for which, during sex, the female ejaculated millions of little egg cells into the male, who had only released one 'active' sperm cell, and after the two 'lovers', the two cells I mean, the sperm and the one lucky egg, merged (orgasming simultaneously no doubt, in a perfect world and one where cells can orgasm) the combo then grew and developed inside the male's body for....say 9 months..causing increasing havoc and discomfort to the man...until it was ready to be very painfully expelled (ready to drink the milk that the male's nipples had coordinated to serve up for it)....perhaps in that case the woman's response, her desired course of action to alleviate the aphrodisiac HITHLM urge, would be more like what it is for the typical male of our species.

 

[rousseau]

I can understand the novelty factor when you're young or don't have a lot of experience, or when hormone levels are high and you have no other outlet. Other than that, I can't understand much.

It was put well somewhere above when mentioned that people have a drop-off in hormone levels when they near middle age, it's probably at that point where sex starts tilting toward emotional payback rather than physical. You really gotta want to be with a person to actually go to the trouble.

It's not a matter of age--I've never seen how sex without emotions is worth what people pay for it.

It might be a matter of quantity. As they say, 'sex is something you only notice when you're not getting it'.

My partner and I have friends who are now thirty-something year old virgins. I don't know that they would have the guts to pay for sex, but it's plain that their desire to experience it is huge. Under such circumstances I can understand wanting to part with a bit of money for the pure physical act. Actually, I'd assume that this is pretty much the use case for prostitutes most of the time: people who can't manage to find an actual partner and so are sex deprived. Maybe not often worth the cost, but enough so that people partake.

But coming from the opposite perspective like, say, having 5 different long-term sex partners over the course of a decade, it's a different story. In that case sex has no novelty or mystery and the physicality just isn't very interesting or worthwhile.

 

[Toni]

I can understand the novelty factor when you're young or don't have a lot of experience, or when hormone levels are high and you have no other outlet. Other than that, I can't understand much.

It was put well somewhere above when mentioned that people have a drop-off in hormone levels when they near middle age, it's probably at that point where sex starts tilting toward emotional payback rather than physical. You really gotta want to be with a person to actually go to the trouble.

It's not a matter of age--I've never seen how sex without emotions is worth what people pay for it.

It might be a matter of quantity. As they say, 'sex is something you only notice when you're not getting it'.

My partner and I have friends who are now thirty-something year old virgins. I don't know that they would have the guts to pay for sex, but it's plain that their desire to experience it is huge. Under such circumstances I can understand wanting to part with a bit of money for the pure physical act. Actually, I'd assume that this is pretty much the use case for prostitutes most of the time: people who can't manage to find an actual partner and so are sex deprived. Maybe not often worth the cost, but enough so that people partake.

But coming from the opposite perspective like, say, having 5 different long-term sex partners over the course of a decade, it's a different story. In that case sex has no novelty or mystery and the physicality just isn't very interesting or worthwhile.

OK, I've been sleeping with the same person exclusively for more than 40 years.

Sex is something I think about and notice whether I'm having it frequently or it's been a while. It's still interesting and worthwhile to both of us. Mysterious? Sometimes. Familiar? Sure, much but not all of the time. We still try new things or new ways of doing things. Aside from the physical pleasure, it's intimacy--physical and emotional, it's affection, it's comfort and joy. Is every single time the Hallelujah Chorus? No, but I don't need it to be that. Sometimes, it's just closeness and comfort and warmth and shared affection.


I think people have different goals in sex. I'm one of those people for whom sex is pretty dull and uninteresting unless it is with someone I really love. Parts is parts, after all and when you get right down to it, the mechanics are kind of ridiculous, especially if reproduction is off the table.

Sex just to rack up notches on bed posts or to say you've done this or that or him or her seem very much akin to a pie eating contest (no puns intended): pointless and a bit unpleasant to think about. But honestly, that's just me.

 

[rousseau]

It might be a matter of quantity. As they say, 'sex is something you only notice when you're not getting it'.

My partner and I have friends who are now thirty-something year old virgins. I don't know that they would have the guts to pay for sex, but it's plain that their desire to experience it is huge. Under such circumstances I can understand wanting to part with a bit of money for the pure physical act. Actually, I'd assume that this is pretty much the use case for prostitutes most of the time: people who can't manage to find an actual partner and so are sex deprived. Maybe not often worth the cost, but enough so that people partake.

But coming from the opposite perspective like, say, having 5 different long-term sex partners over the course of a decade, it's a different story. In that case sex has no novelty or mystery and the physicality just isn't very interesting or worthwhile.

OK, I've been sleeping with the same person exclusively for more than 40 years.

Sex is something I think about and notice whether I'm having it frequently or it's been a while. It's still interesting and worthwhile to both of us. Mysterious? Sometimes. Familiar? Sure, much but not all of the time. We still try new things or new ways of doing things. Aside from the physical pleasure, it's intimacy--physical and emotional, it's affection, it's comfort and joy. Is every single time the Hallelujah Chorus? No, but I don't need it to be that. Sometimes, it's just closeness and comfort and warmth and shared affection.


I think people have different goals in sex. I'm one of those people for whom sex is pretty dull and uninteresting unless it is with someone I really love. Parts is parts, after all and when you get right down to it, the mechanics are kind of ridiculous, especially if reproduction is off the table.

Sex just to rack up notches on bed posts or to say you've done this or that or him or her seem very much akin to a pie eating contest (no puns intended): pointless and a bit unpleasant to think about. But honestly, that's just me.

My point was more towards the fact that there is a much different mind-set between someone who hasn't had any physical intimacy in multiple years, or if not, a very long time, and someone who has it regularly. Sure we all think about sex, but the regularity with which we have it or have had it, is going to change our outlook on it.

In other words, someone who's just spent 14 years having regular sex is probably more likely to forego buying a prostitute, than someone who hasn't had it in five years.

 

[Toni]

It might be a matter of quantity. As they say, 'sex is something you only notice when you're not getting it'.

My partner and I have friends who are now thirty-something year old virgins. I don't know that they would have the guts to pay for sex, but it's plain that their desire to experience it is huge. Under such circumstances I can understand wanting to part with a bit of money for the pure physical act. Actually, I'd assume that this is pretty much the use case for prostitutes most of the time: people who can't manage to find an actual partner and so are sex deprived. Maybe not often worth the cost, but enough so that people partake.

But coming from the opposite perspective like, say, having 5 different long-term sex partners over the course of a decade, it's a different story. In that case sex has no novelty or mystery and the physicality just isn't very interesting or worthwhile.

OK, I've been sleeping with the same person exclusively for more than 40 years.

Sex is something I think about and notice whether I'm having it frequently or it's been a while. It's still interesting and worthwhile to both of us. Mysterious? Sometimes. Familiar? Sure, much but not all of the time. We still try new things or new ways of doing things. Aside from the physical pleasure, it's intimacy--physical and emotional, it's affection, it's comfort and joy. Is every single time the Hallelujah Chorus? No, but I don't need it to be that. Sometimes, it's just closeness and comfort and warmth and shared affection.


I think people have different goals in sex. I'm one of those people for whom sex is pretty dull and uninteresting unless it is with someone I really love. Parts is parts, after all and when you get right down to it, the mechanics are kind of ridiculous, especially if reproduction is off the table.

Sex just to rack up notches on bed posts or to say you've done this or that or him or her seem very much akin to a pie eating contest (no puns intended): pointless and a bit unpleasant to think about. But honestly, that's just me.

My point was more towards the fact that there is a much different mind-set between someone who hasn't had any physical intimacy in multiple years, or if not, a very long time, and someone who has it regularly. Sure we all think about sex, but the regularity with which we have it or have had it, is going to change our outlook on it.

In other words, someone who's just spent 14 years having regular sex is probably more likely to forego buying a prostitute, than someone who hasn't had it in five years.

I don't know that you are correct. Personally, I cannot imagine buying sex from a prostitute for multiple reasons, gender being the least of these. Certainly there are plenty of married men who have sex with their wives and also seek out the services of a prostitute. Sure, there are those who seek out prostitutes because that is their only option for sex but not all customers of prostitutes have been in some kind of enforced celibacy.