• Welcome to the new Internet Infidels Discussion Board, formerly Talk Freethought.

Things that make you laugh...

I once heard a joke that revolved around how 'paramour' sounds like the way some americans pronounce 'power mower,' but I can't remember how it goes.
 
Sarpedon said:
I once heard a joke that revolved around how 'paramour' sounds like the way some americans pronounce 'power mower,' but I can't remember how it goes.
Click to expand...
Is that the one where a gunshot victim is brought into the ER, and someone asks 'What happened?'
The Paramedic (HAH!) says, "Jealous husband caught her in bed with a paramour." Then gestures as one firing a pistol.
The student nurse taking notes writes down "Husband caught wife in bed with his power mower. Shots fired jealously."


--------------

Or maybe funnier, a doctor is doing rounds and the next patient is a woman who has a gunshot wound. She has an oxygen mask and about thirty pounds of gauze over the bullet hole in her chest. He asks, "what happened?"
The Resident looks at the chart. "Says she was in bed with a power mower. Her husband came home and found her."
"A power mower? That would be lacerations! Or an amputation! How the hell did she get shot?"
He looks at all the interns on the unit, none of whom can explain. The ER notes are clear, but unhelpful.
Finally, the woman works up enough energy to crook her finger, drawing doc down to her lips. She pulls the O2 mask to one side just long enough to say, "my... PARAMOUR..."
 
My son is 25. Sitting in the living room watching TV.
Can't hear me screaming for assistance in the garage, or hear the whole damned shelf unit collapse, or hear me vowing bloody vengeance on the makers with a wealth of profanity and wordless rage.
But.
If we call for pizza, he can, from the exact same position, distinguish the sound of a delivery vehicle's door from those of any neighbor's car, and exactly how far down the 100 foot driveway they parked, and which door they are going to knock on.



.... not that he gets up for that, either. "Pizza's at the back door. Sounds like Carol. Someone needs to show her how to use the turn-around so she doesn't have to walk from the curb."

"Can you get it? I'm setting your father's splint."

"Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine."
 
67-Hilarious-Teacher-Memes-01-720x1080.jpg
 
gmbteach said:
Keith&Co. said:
Plus the flashlight-enhanced search of all extremities for every single note.

Now I need to hope I get a chance to draw a pirate map to my appendix when the time comes...
Click to expand...

I was going to ask if this was anyone in your family. :D
Click to expand...
not yet... but next surgery, if t hry give me the pen and turn their back for a SECOND.
 
This is a true story.

A few years ago I was selling at farmers/craft markets - handmade soap. A friend of mine who made candles wanted to team up with me at market to sell both candles and soap. She had come across a wire type thingy that once you blew out a candle you used this device to dip the candle wick in the wet wax and pull it out again to make the wick easier to light the next time. It was called the wick dipper. She was going to give these away for every purchase of candles.

So the big market day comes and we set up, making a few sales. Then my friend tells a buying customer do you want a free "dick whipper"? The customer looks at her funny and blinks and says - "umm, no thank you"

Mean friend that I am - I don't say anything - just laughing hysterically behind her back. I wait to see if she still does it. Yep sure enough she often says "dick whipper" the expressions on the customer faces are priceless! I am just peeing my pants :LD:

Finally a well dressed older lady buys a candle. I just waiting for it - yep "Would you like a free dick whipper?" The lady looks at her and says "no thank you my husbands penis is just fine".:hysterical:
 
starwater said:
This is a true story.

A few years ago I was selling at farmers/craft markets - handmade soap. A friend of mine who made candles wanted to team up with me at market to sell both candles and soap. She had come across a wire type thingy that once you blew out a candle you used this device to dip the candle wick in the wet wax and pull it out again to make the wick easier to light the next time. It was called the wick dipper. She was going to give these away for every purchase of candles.

So the big market day comes and we set up, making a few sales. Then my friend tells a buying customer do you want a free "dick whipper"? The customer looks at her funny and blinks and says - "umm, no thank you"

Mean friend that I am - I don't say anything - just laughing hysterically behind her back. I wait to see if she still does it. Yep sure enough she often says "dick whipper" the expressions on the customer faces are priceless! I am just peeing my pants :LD:

Finally a well dressed older lady buys a candle. I just waiting for it - yep "Would you like a free dick whipper?" The lady looks at her and says "no thank you my husbands penis is just fine".:hysterical:
Click to expand...

Are you related to Keith&Co.?
 
Made a sign.
Centered: Please Take A Number

Across the bottom and on both sides, random numbers. 1, 3, 202, 9, 19, 3.1415, .004, 4, 44, 57

Cut the sides of the numbers so they can be torn off by anyone. Tore off three to make sure the meaning is clear.

Hung it on someone else's cube. Then just waited...

"What are the numbers for?"
"What? What numbers?"
"These numbers!"
"What numbers?"
"Says here, please take a number. Do you serve the next number?"
"I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Okay, okay, fine." Rip. "There! I have number 303. What now?"
"What do you mean, what now?"
"They're your numbers!"
"I don't have any numbers!"

And then the geeks over in Documentation started in.
"I am not a number! I am a free man!"
"YOU ARE NUMBER SIX!"
"Who are you?"
"The new number 2."
"What the fuck are you people talking about?"
"That would be telling..."

....thus drawing all the suspicion nicely over to their side of the office...

All I have to do now is keep a straight face.
That, or leap up and shout that I take credit, full credit, the credit is mine!
"Yeah, right, Keith, we want to kknow the ACTUAL culprit..."
 
My son and DIL called, they have ultrasound results.
Going to have a baby girl soon.

The mom has already rejected my suggestion: name her 'Knockitoff' to save time.
She may live to regret this choice.
 
Three times a year, at each coast, we have a seminar gathering Navy missile techs adnd the contractors that support them. It is always held Tuesday thru Thursday, allowing people to travel in and out on a workday.
The last part of yesterday's meeting was a reminder thst the next seminar is the week of Labor Day. So what the sign MEANT was Kings Bay SWS Week is Wednesday thru Friday, plan accordingly.
But what it said was KINGS BAY WTF!
Can't really argue with t he sentiment, but did not quite convey the desired message....
 
Jus tfigured out the Millenium Falcon question, how it did the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
It was a rental.

I went on a business trip last week, and the company policy is to rent a car rather than drive my own car to the airport.
The airport is about 52 miles away from my house. My house is about 5 miles away from work.

SO I picked up a rental here, at work, drove home, and the next day drove to the airport. The odometer readings they recorded say that I put 351 miles on the car. That's, um....wow.

But then, a week later, I rented a car at the aiport. Drove it straight to work and dropped it off in the lot here. This time, the odometer shows that I drove it 6 miles. Six miles as the reciprocal of the 351 mile trip....

I'm going to frame the receipt, put a picture of Han Solo on it... "I made the airport run in six miles..."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom