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Things that make you laugh...

My Hestia, do i work with a bunch of nerds.
Supervisor comes into the office. "Who's the biggest nerd, here?"
We look at him, look at each other. Offer qualifiers. "Star Trek, Star Gate, Star Wars, Star Search? Anime? Marvel? DC?"
"My son's joining a D&D group. I know nothing about the game. I got the playing tech manual-"
"Player's Handbook," six of us chorus.
"That. Now, who knows the most?" I raise my hand. I have been playing since 1980. I have played Monopoly with lead figures and the DM screen. Back in 1983, before any collector sets of the game came out. I have a footlocker of books and character sheets. Others raise their hands, too.
"Who has the most books?" someone asks. I start to raise my hand. I have the footlocker.

Jason says, "Two shelves. Wait, are we counting novelizations?"

"I'm out," i had to admit.

He ended up with the guy who owns the cartoon show on VHS.
 
Two transcription files in a row, both with the word "tranny" in them. One was about trucks and one was about transexuals.
 
I am in the buyer's club at my supermarket.
Just got an email advising "You Have Unlocked Super Savings Level!!"

What thefuck? Shopping uus a chore, not a game. I admit there were kid shows growing up that tried to convince me that we could have FUN when we did chores, but fuck that. Cookie Monster isn't in Snacks, Fat Albert isn't in the Deli, and the Bugaloos aren't going to help me find chicken wings after all the tail-gaters have pillaged Meats.

If you're going to make it game, at least tell me what level i've achieved.
 
Oh, i am such a pure innocent.

So, the sumac trees behind the house have grown down to the basement, and the roots clogged our sump pump. Four inches if water in the basement. The plumber suggested we line the sump with landscaping cloth. He didn't know the exact name, but said there's a cloth you use in gardening. Water gets thru, but weeds don't.

Perfect.

Searched Amazon for "weed proof cloth." Got some results. Garden fabric, landscape cloth... and smell-proof bags? Half the results were things like
"Smell Proof Case - Carbon Lining"
Smell Proof Bags with Combination Lock",
"Smell Proof Container for Herbs" (with a grinder included!]

I am still thinking gardening, wondering why i'm getting results for what must be specially grown herbs for, i dunno, gourmet cooking? I suppose it makes sense if you're taking five pounds of sspecialty organic garlic on a plane, someone'll bitch about their odor allergy...

Dumb me, i remark to the wife that Amazon's search tool is stupid. I get as far as 'weed proof' when my wife and children suddenly know the punchline to the joke i don't know i am telling.

I done forgot that 'weed' has a significance beyond sump pumps and gardening.

THEY haven't. They're still laughing at me. Seriously, Mrs. &co. can't make eye contact without giggling. And looking for her copy of Reefer Madness.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Oh, i am such a pure innocent.

So, the sumac trees behind the house have grown down to the basement, and the roots clogged our sump pump. Four inches if water in the basement. The plumber suggested we line the sump with landscaping cloth. He didn't know the exact name, but said there's a cloth you use in gardening. Water gets thru, but weeds don't.

Perfect.

Searched Amazon for "weed proof cloth." Got some results. Garden fabric, landscape cloth... and smell-proof bags? Half the results were things like
"Smell Proof Case - Carbon Lining"
Smell Proof Bags with Combination Lock",
"Smell Proof Container for Herbs" (with a grinder included!]

I am still thinking gardening, wondering why i'm getting results for what must be specially grown herbs for, i dunno, gourmet cooking? I suppose it makes sense if you're taking five pounds of sspecialty organic garlic on a plane, someone'll bitch about their odor allergy...

Dumb me, i remark to the wife that Amazon's search tool is stupid. I get as far as 'weed proof' when my wife and children suddenly know the punchline to the joke i don't know i am telling.

I done forgot that 'weed' has a significance beyond sump pumps and gardening.

THEY haven't. They're still laughing at me. Seriously, Mrs. &co. can't make eye contact without giggling. And looking for her copy of Reefer Madness.
Click to expand...

Yeah, there's a lot of weed-related stuff on there. After ordering some large pots I started getting recommendations for things like large activated carbon filters. It took me a bit to realize it was offering up a bunch of stuff you might use for indoor pot growing.

And what you're looking for is called weedblock, although I won't swear that's not a brand name.
 
Keith&Co. said:
"You Have Unlocked Super Savings Level!!"
Click to expand...

Translation: "We've been ripping you off since day one, sucker!
Since you spend like drunken sailor (our algorithms have identified you as such) we're willing to invest a few bucks in the hope that you don't go somewhere else."
 
If I tell my wife: "I am going to the post office, and pick up prescriptions at the pharmacy." She now knows where i will be for the next hour, and if there is anything she wants to do or acquire there, or along the way she is welcome to join me and add line items to the itinerary.

If my wife tells me: "I am going to Target. You are welcome to join me, if you want." I now know i am driving her to Target, and probably carrying something. My opinion may or may not be required, further instructions will follow as the event unfolds.
 
Due to weather, the city moved our Halloween trick-treating to Saturday.
I inflated the two headed fire-breathing dragon, and set a witch doll in a lawn chair. Put the bowl of candy in her lap.
I was standing there keeping an eye out, when a little girl ran up, told the witch how much she liked the dragon, then asked why i wasn't dressed.
"I'm dressed! T-shirt! Jeans! I even have SHOES on!"
"But you're not a witch! You're not dressed!" she insisted.
"I am dressed!" I insisted back at her.
"But what are you supposed to be?" she asked, thinking she had dealt a stunning blow.
"I'm cold!" I replied.
She thought about that for a second or two. "Okay. Nice dragon." and ran off.
 
I was in surgery on Halloween, and had left Mrs. Elixir home alone. I had asked our veterinarian, who is a good friend, to check in on her. Instead of calling as I expected she would, she and her husband showed up knocking on our door costumed as a witch and Donald Trump. Understand, in 22 years not one single trick-or-treater has ever showed up at our door, which is almost a mile from any public road. So Mrs E was understandably freaked out when Trump and a witch started banging on the door. Then they refused to identify themselves. Mrs. E told them she was calling the cops... at which point they took off the masks.
When I heard the story, I had to ask - "What were you going to tell the cops? That Donald Trump and a witch were banging on your door? On Halloween?"
She didn't really have an answer...
 
Elixir said:
I was in surgery on Halloween, and had left Mrs. Elixir home alone. I had asked our veterinarian, who is a good friend, to check in on her. Instead of calling as I expected she would, she and her husband showed up knocking on our door costumed as a witch and Donald Trump. Understand, in 22 years not one single trick-or-treater has ever showed up at our door, which is almost a mile from any public road. So Mrs E was understandably freaked out when Trump and a witch started banging on the door. Then they refused to identify themselves. Mrs. E told them she was calling the cops... at which point they took off the masks.
When I heard the story, I had to ask - "What were you going to tell the cops? That Donald Trump and a witch were banging on your door? On Halloween?"
She didn't really have an answer...
Click to expand...

If Trump was on my porch on halloween i'd sure as fuck call for cops.
But i am also fucking sure they would decide i was drunk.
So, i'd just claim "some MAGA idiot" was causing a ruckus on my porch. Repeat tgat line three, four times.
Make ahell of a headline if it really was Bonespurs....
 
What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada:

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church......

"was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer.... and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."
 
My supervisor was working from home yesterday, went to review some PDF files.
Windows on his company laptop somehow forgot how to read Times New Roman.
That was the error message. Just…LOST the entire font. So sorry.
Evidently Windows 10 does that from time to time.

The suggestion that we therefore write everything in Wingdings was heartily endorsed by many of my coworkers.
But ultimately not adopted.









....at least, not as OFFICIAL policy, anyway.
 
Keith&Co. said:
My supervisor was working from home yesterday, went to review some PDF files.
Windows on his company laptop somehow forgot how to read Times New Roman.
That was the error message. Just…LOST the entire font. So sorry.
Evidently Windows 10 does that from time to time.

The suggestion that we therefore write everything in Wingdings was heartily endorsed by many of my coworkers.
But ultimately not adopted.









....at least, not as OFFICIAL policy, anyway.
Click to expand...

:D
I have always found Comic Sans to be an effective substitute for TNR in serious reports.
 
The office supply system provides scissors of so-so quality. I went out and bought a really good pair for my desk.

Everyone comes to my desk to borrow my scissors.

A new employee needed to cut some forms, everyone sent him to my desk. "Why are you the only one in the office with scissors?"

"Because i lost the race."
 
Last night I watched some grade-school kids play with a rotary dial telephone. It wasn't hooked up--it was just a prop for a play. But they were looking at it as if it had dropped out of an alien spacecraft.

"Do you put your finger in the holes?"

"Why does it say 'Operator'?

"I know! You spin the dial with your finger, then you push it back."

I felt both amused and old at the same time.
 
Took the annual security backup training yesterday.
One thing they stressed was reporting indicators of people around us. Telling security if someone's personal status changes, as that's part of the pattern of people who end up on the evening news "20 years for trying to sell information to the (whoever)." Report adverse information, status changes, foreign travel, subversive activities, suspicious contacts.

Today, vice assistant to the security manager told me that 'changes in personal status' do not include self-reporting 'feeling hungry" and "ate lunch, status returned to quo." They mean major economic or relationship changes.

Today, will find out if 'Made a house payment. 1/360th closer to solvency' counts as major economic change....
 
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