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Things that make you laugh...

ZiprHead said:
People seem to be fascinated by my jewels.
Click to expand...

It’s true. I’m having trouble seeing 99,830 and not just taking a road trip to Atlanta.
But I might run out of my daily allowance of reps before I turn the odo.
 
I work as a contractor getting houses ready for sale or renting (among other things). On Thursday morning, I removed an old beat up standalone bathroom vanity in a 1950's era home. After I pulled it up out of the way, I noticed a couple of magazines, face down, on the floor in the 4" high toekick space between the bottom of the cabinet and floor. Also, a couple of old plastic bottles. I thought, "WTF!...what are those doing down there!? So, I pulled the magazines up and it was an old Penthouse and Playboy from the mid 1980's, and the plastic bottles were hand lotion. I then inspected the vanity, and noticed that the toekick board was removable, if you give it a slight tug. So, apparently I had unearthed some 1980's teen boy's "self pleasuring" secret hideaway. :lol: I gotta give the kid an "A" for ingenuity, but he gets a "C-" for being a wanker (every sperm is sacred!! :angryfist:)

Come to think of it, I regularly find some interesting stuff hidden away in various cavities in a house. One particular 1950's era house was a goldmine of artifacts. At one end of the house, I found a pristine 1950's beer can inside a wall sitting on some horizontal blocking, and in the opposite side of the house there was a big, glass milk bottle in the space under the bathtub rim. The kind of milk bottles you see in old TV shows and movies. I joked with the owner that the carpenters were probably a bunch of alcoholics and the plumbers were Mormons. Earlier in that house, when I removed a kitchen cabinet (which was the original one), there was some old mail that somehow had fallen behind it. Some junk mail ads from businesses in town that had long been shut down, a couple of unopened personal letters to previous owners and an early 1960's Fredrick's of Hollywood catalog full of sexy drawings of women wearing very pointy (somewhat unsafe if you're not wearing safety glasses :)) bras.
 
thebeave said:
I work as a contractor getting houses ready for sale or renting (among other things). On Thursday morning, I removed an old beat up standalone bathroom vanity in a 1950's era home. After I pulled it up out of the way, I noticed a couple of magazines, face down, on the floor in the 4" high toekick space between the bottom of the cabinet and floor. Also, a couple of old plastic bottles. I thought, "WTF!...what are those doing down there!? So, I pulled the magazines up and it was an old Penthouse and Playboy from the mid 1980's, and the plastic bottles were hand lotion. I then inspected the vanity, and noticed that the toekick board was removable, if you give it a slight tug. So, apparently I had unearthed some 1980's teen boy's "self pleasuring" secret hideaway. :lol: I gotta give the kid an "A" for ingenuity, but he gets a "C-" for being a wanker (every sperm is sacred!! :angryfist:)

Come to think of it, I regularly find some interesting stuff hidden away in various cavities in a house. One particular 1950's era house was a goldmine of artifacts. At one end of the house, I found a pristine 1950's beer can inside a wall sitting on some horizontal blocking, and in the opposite side of the house there was a big, glass milk bottle in the space under the bathtub rim. The kind of milk bottles you see in old TV shows and movies. I joked with the owner that the carpenters were probably a bunch of alcoholics and the plumbers were Mormons. Earlier in that house, when I removed a kitchen cabinet (which was the original one), there was some old mail that somehow had fallen behind it. Some junk mail ads from businesses in town that had long been shut down, a couple of unopened personal letters to previous owners and an early 1960's Fredrick's of Hollywood catalog full of sexy drawings of women wearing very pointy (somewhat unsafe if you're not wearing safety glasses :)) bras.
Click to expand...

I would love something like that. South East Queensland is of the age where a lot of ‘original’ residents are dying and leaving historic Queenslander type,houses to their offspring. Some are making them more modern, others are being sympathetic to the style. I would love to buy one of these in ‘original’ condition and see what I find.
 
A couple years back, we made a change to the launch systems for submarine missiles. The firing unit is now initiated by a signal laser. So for most of a year, everyone was doing their Dr. Evil imitation.
Sixty-three-year-old engineers droning on about the implementation schedule for increment 11 updates to the Mod 6 weapon system to incorporate the new ( make Eagle Claws and say) "Lay-zher."
Every.
Goddamned.
Time.

Got old, fast.

We had a meeting last week and today i noted that it was gratifying that at least we all stopped sayin "Lay-zher."
Buuuuuuut, they're updating that procedure. And the job was given to a few new people in Documentation. Who overheard me bitching about Dr. Evil imitations. And now every other sentence is about the "lay-zherz" in lower level.

My god, i mean, who CHOOSES to be this annoying on a Monday?
 
A coworker and his wife are redoing their kitchen. Bought a whole new set of cabinets to line one wall.
The wife expects him to find a contractor to install them. Guys here at work insist that he doesn't need a professional, he can do it all himself. And if he wants to buy beer, they'll come over to help.

So, the cabinets were delivered last week. Wife went to visit her sister over the weekend. Everyone went over to Jamie's to nail up some cabinets.

The cabinets stand exactly the height of the ceiling. Which would be great for a flat item, but for 3-dimensional objects, means that they can't be stood up in the kitchen. And they're too tall to stand them up in the hall and slide them thru the doorway.

The genius squad decides that the thing to do is to cut a hole in the floor. Tip the cabinets up to standing in that hole, slide them into place, fix the hole later. So they need to find a clear spot in the floor. One guy makes two trips to the basement, finds a place that's under the kitchen, but doesn't have any water pipes in the way. Measures it with reference to the stairs.

They repeat the measurements upstairs. No one seems to notice that 'from the stairs' has two meanings. The top and bottom of the stairway are horizontally separated. Thus, X-many feet from the HEAD of the stairs isn't the same place as X-many feet from the foot....
So the first place they cut a hole turns out to be right over the water line to the sink, dishwasher, ice maker...
Figure their mistake, cut a new hole. Throw a carpet over the first hole so no one drops a tool down there.
They get the cabinets upright, slid into place, hailed to the walls. Wife comes home JUST as they're putting the tools away.

Sees the tools, the idiots, the bottles of beer, the cabinets. Gives hubby the squinty eye.
"Honey, no! We didn't need to pay a contractor! See? Everything's in place! Worked fine!"

She steps back to take a look at the finished bank of cabinets. Falls through the carpet, taking out the water line.

She's okay. But she has cornered the market on 'I told you so' for the rest of their marriage.
 
Keith&Co. said:
A coworker and his wife are redoing their kitchen. Bought a whole new set of cabinets to line one wall.
The wife expects him to find a contractor to install them. Guys here at work insist that he doesn't need a professional, he can do it all himself. And if he wants to buy beer, they'll come over to help.

So, the cabinets were delivered last week. Wife went to visit her sister over the weekend. Everyone went over to Jamie's to nail up some cabinets.

The cabinets stand exactly the height of the ceiling. Which would be great for a flat item, but for 3-dimensional objects, means that they can't be stood up in the kitchen. And they're too tall to stand them up in the hall and slide them thru the doorway.

The genius squad decides that the thing to do is to cut a hole in the floor. Tip the cabinets up to standing in that hole, slide them into place, fix the hole later. So they need to find a clear spot in the floor. One guy makes two trips to the basement, finds a place that's under the kitchen, but doesn't have any water pipes in the way. Measures it with reference to the stairs.

They repeat the measurements upstairs. No one seems to notice that 'from the stairs' has two meanings. The top and bottom of the stairway are horizontally separated. Thus, X-many feet from the HEAD of the stairs isn't the same place as X-many feet from the foot....
So the first place they cut a hole turns out to be right over the water line to the sink, dishwasher, ice maker...
Figure their mistake, cut a new hole. Throw a carpet over the first hole so no one drops a tool down there.
They get the cabinets upright, slid into place, hailed to the walls. Wife comes home JUST as they're putting the tools away.

Sees the tools, the idiots, the bottles of beer, the cabinets. Gives hubby the squinty eye.
"Honey, no! We didn't need to pay a contractor! See? Everything's in place! Worked fine!"

She steps back to take a look at the finished bank of cabinets. Falls through the carpet, taking out the water line.

She's okay. But she has cornered the market on 'I told you so' for the rest of their marriage.
Click to expand...

Jesus Christ, what a bunch of idiots! Surprised they can tie their shoes, or do they use Velcro?
 
paladin.oa said:
Keith&Co. said:
A coworker and his wife are redoing their kitchen. Bought a whole new set of cabinets to line one wall.
The wife expects him to find a contractor to install them. Guys here at work insist that he doesn't need a professional, he can do it all himself. And if he wants to buy beer, they'll come over to help.

So, the cabinets were delivered last week. Wife went to visit her sister over the weekend. Everyone went over to Jamie's to nail up some cabinets.

The cabinets stand exactly the height of the ceiling. Which would be great for a flat item, but for 3-dimensional objects, means that they can't be stood up in the kitchen. And they're too tall to stand them up in the hall and slide them thru the doorway.

The genius squad decides that the thing to do is to cut a hole in the floor. Tip the cabinets up to standing in that hole, slide them into place, fix the hole later. So they need to find a clear spot in the floor. One guy makes two trips to the basement, finds a place that's under the kitchen, but doesn't have any water pipes in the way. Measures it with reference to the stairs.

They repeat the measurements upstairs. No one seems to notice that 'from the stairs' has two meanings. The top and bottom of the stairway are horizontally separated. Thus, X-many feet from the HEAD of the stairs isn't the same place as X-many feet from the foot....
So the first place they cut a hole turns out to be right over the water line to the sink, dishwasher, ice maker...
Figure their mistake, cut a new hole. Throw a carpet over the first hole so no one drops a tool down there.
They get the cabinets upright, slid into place, hailed to the walls. Wife comes home JUST as they're putting the tools away.

Sees the tools, the idiots, the bottles of beer, the cabinets. Gives hubby the squinty eye.
"Honey, no! We didn't need to pay a contractor! See? Everything's in place! Worked fine!"

She steps back to take a look at the finished bank of cabinets. Falls through the carpet, taking out the water line.

She's okay. But she has cornered the market on 'I told you so' for the rest of their marriage.
Click to expand...

Jesus Christ, what a bunch of idiots! Surprised they can tie their shoes, or do they use Velcro?
Click to expand...

Have you seen those rubber laces? Jamie's been bragging about how he doesn't have to tie his shoes any more, just skips them on.

Personally, i think the most obvious sign of stupidity is that i know the story.
I mean, if _I_ bombed the basement with my wife, i would not be sharing that story at work.
At least not until after the divorce, maybe.
 
Keith&Co. said:
paladin.oa said:
Keith&Co. said:
A coworker and his wife are redoing their kitchen. Bought a whole new set of cabinets to line one wall.
The wife expects him to find a contractor to install them. Guys here at work insist that he doesn't need a professional, he can do it all himself. And if he wants to buy beer, they'll come over to help.

So, the cabinets were delivered last week. Wife went to visit her sister over the weekend. Everyone went over to Jamie's to nail up some cabinets.

The cabinets stand exactly the height of the ceiling. Which would be great for a flat item, but for 3-dimensional objects, means that they can't be stood up in the kitchen. And they're too tall to stand them up in the hall and slide them thru the doorway.

The genius squad decides that the thing to do is to cut a hole in the floor. Tip the cabinets up to standing in that hole, slide them into place, fix the hole later. So they need to find a clear spot in the floor. One guy makes two trips to the basement, finds a place that's under the kitchen, but doesn't have any water pipes in the way. Measures it with reference to the stairs.

They repeat the measurements upstairs. No one seems to notice that 'from the stairs' has two meanings. The top and bottom of the stairway are horizontally separated. Thus, X-many feet from the HEAD of the stairs isn't the same place as X-many feet from the foot....
So the first place they cut a hole turns out to be right over the water line to the sink, dishwasher, ice maker...
Figure their mistake, cut a new hole. Throw a carpet over the first hole so no one drops a tool down there.
They get the cabinets upright, slid into place, hailed to the walls. Wife comes home JUST as they're putting the tools away.

Sees the tools, the idiots, the bottles of beer, the cabinets. Gives hubby the squinty eye.
"Honey, no! We didn't need to pay a contractor! See? Everything's in place! Worked fine!"

She steps back to take a look at the finished bank of cabinets. Falls through the carpet, taking out the water line.

She's okay. But she has cornered the market on 'I told you so' for the rest of their marriage.
Click to expand...

Jesus Christ, what a bunch of idiots! Surprised they can tie their shoes, or do they use Velcro?
Click to expand...

Have you seen those rubber laces? Jamie's been bragging about how he doesn't have to tie his shoes any more, just skips them on.

Personally, i think the most obvious sign of stupidity is that i know the story.
I mean, if _I_ bombed the basement with my wife, i would not be sharing that story at work.
At least not until after the divorce, maybe.
Click to expand...

Having been through both renovations and building from scratch more than once or twice with Mrs. Elixir, that story sounds vaguely familiar. But I can't quite put my finger on why. Now I'm concerned that I am suppressing some really terrible memory... they tell me that can happen when you get older (and have compiled an extensive record of construction fuck-ups).
 
I can't believe that story. How many floor joists did they have to saw through? That's hard work. And a carpet wouldn't cover up a sagging floor.
 
They just told a story on QI about the employees of a brewery who were organising their Christmas work pissup and forgot to obtain a permit.
 
Sarpedon said:
I can't believe that story. How many floor joists did they have to saw through? That's hard work. And a carpet wouldn't cover up a sagging floor.
Click to expand...
I asked Jamie for details.
Turns out it's not Jamie's story. It's Bob's. Why Jamie told it first person is unclear.

So it's friend of a friend stuff. But i can imagine Bob taking a chainsaw to his own floor for a cabinet...
 
Keith&Co. said:
Sarpedon said:
I can't believe that story. How many floor joists did they have to saw through? That's hard work. And a carpet wouldn't cover up a sagging floor.
Click to expand...
I asked Jamie for details.
Turns out it's not Jamie's story. It's Bob's. Why Jamie told it first person is unclear.

So it's friend of a friend stuff. But i can imagine Bob taking a chainsaw to his own floor for a cabinet...
Click to expand...

Wait, they used a fracking chainsaw to cut the hole in the floor?!?
 
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