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Things that make you laugh...

I know if somebody just walked up to me and handed me a piece of cheese, I'd definitely be "fascinated".
 
My daughter-in-law asked, "You wake up and you're in tge last video game you played. Where are you?"

I'm in this minefield with 50 goddamned flags to place.
 
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I saw this cartoon and it reminded me of a story from my childhood.

In 1974 our parents took a vacation together and left my brother, age 11, and me, age 14, with our grandparents. When Mom dropped us off, Mom told our grandparents that during our week-long visit, that "the boys would probably love it if you got takeout from McDonald’s." There was then, and still is today, a McDonald’s barely a mile from their house. I don’t remember if we asked or begged, but our grandparents decided one night that our Granpa would go to the McDonald’s for take-out meals. My brother and I went with him. This was a whole new experience for him, he'd never been to a McDonald's.

There was a very earnest young man behind the counter trying to help him navigate the menu, and our custom orders. As we all know, McDonald’s doesn’t do custom orders – they are just not built for them. My brother, as was his preference then, wanted a hamburger, plain (certainly not the McDonald’s standard of ketchup AND mustard AND onions AND pickles!). I wanted a Big Mac without relish. I think the special sauce is pre-mixed with the relish so this was a problem . . . what can I say, I didn’t like relish. Then there was what to get for Grandma?

After the young man told Granpa what was on the Big Mac, with a sideways frown at me, my Granpa asked “Young man, why doesn’t your menu include a Little Mac?”
 
This joke was posted to a 'Bad Dad Jokes' group on Facebook:

The bloke in our local chippy says the best way to cook fish is to give it a good slap first.

Sounds like codswallop to me.
Click to expand...

The joke made me chuckle, but the sheer volume of confusion amongst the American members of the group was truly hilarious.

Two nations, divided by a common language...
 
So, the company issued a survey on working conditions.
One question was whether you had a friend at work.
My department went nuts overanalyzing this question at the meeting to discuss the results. Like we do every fucking year...
"I'm polite. Does polite count?"
"I'm not polite with MY friends."
"Your friends are assholes."
"And proud of it."
"That's what makes them assholes."
"Wait, you cannot use 'proud of being an asshole' as the definition of asshole."
"Then you're a pedantic asshole!"
"Do they mean 'friend' like i'd tell them if there was cake in the conference room? Or that I'd let them date my daughter?"
"I didn't know you had a daughter!"
"Guess she doesn't want you dating her."

Boss tries to regain control. "Look, a 'friend' is someone that'll help you move."
"Oooooh, is THAT the definition? Hear that, MIKE?"
"Dude, i had back surgery that week."
"Stifle it! Make that, someone who'll help you hide the body."
"Well, that depends."
"On what!?"
"On whether or not i can keep it, or are they gonna want it back?"
"Keith, you're supposed to be on mute for these."
 
Our team is doing really well at work-from-home during this pandemic. We have a Skype meeting going constantly, 0730 thru 1700. Ideas shared, status updated, jobs/duties/tasks apportioned quickly.
We also just spent 20 minutes replacing one word in your favorite quote with 'penis.'
You know, "Four score and twenty penises ago..."
"Self-evident all penises are created equal..."

The reason we started this TODAY was the Boss asked, 'What'd you guys do yesterday that pissed C off so much?'
'Well, we spent 20 minutes... yadda yadda 'penis'.'
Then he brilliantly asked, 'How could you spend twenty whole minutes doing that?'

Ahem.


Don't know why he's mad, now, he literally asked for it.
 
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