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Things that make you laugh...

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A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

“Happy anniversary, Mum and Dad”, gushed son number one, a surgeon. “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift”

“Not to worry”, said the father, the important thing is that we’re all together today.

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced, “you and Mum look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between cases and didn’t have time to shop for you”.

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come”

Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived: “Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything”

After they finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married”….

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yes,” said the father, “and miserable ones at that”!
 
A facebook friend posted about a dream he had and wondered what it meant.

One of his friends responded: "You are gay.
I always assume that all of my dreams mean I am gay so i never tell anyone about them
19 mins · Unlike · 2

Especially the ones where I am blowing some dude"
 
Okay, so dinner was a slow-cooker faux-French Onion Soup stew. Very tasty. Not part of the funny, but crucial to the story.

See, i was on this forum, looking through the The Beautiful Women Thread (NSFW) thread. And my wife walks by my computer. Just then, what appears to be a drop of the stew falls from my mustache onto my lip. Now, i know i can 'get away' with looking a semi-clad, demi-clad or anti-clad women. My wife is not that jealous. But i'm also pretty sure that if she sees me looking at women in lingerie AND licking my lips, i'll get a sandal upside the head. Or, if i'd been on the Grace Hopper page, licking my lips would lead to....different...problems.
So she looks at the screen, and the model reminds her of something a self-absorbed student of hers said today. Miss Princess is sure her beauty is international-model quality, and needs to constantly dip into her purse for a maintenance dosage of some sort of skin creme or lip gloss or eye shadow...
Now i can think of very little EXCEPT for the drop of stew on my quivering lip. But if i'd have gotten smited for licking it at a model, licking at the thought of a tenth grader applying lipstick during a reading of Of Mice And Men will lead to at the very least a partial amputation of something I'm rather fond of.

So, she talks for a bit, and all i can tell you now is that at no time did she observe 'you've got something on your lip.' No, indeed. Rather, she was polite to the student, got her attention and got control of the situation. And when student was snide, made a nice riposte.
I leapt to my feet, congratulated her wit, said i was SO very proud and kissed her with enthusiasm.

When i let her up for air, she looked at me funny, licked her lips (!!!) and said, "Mmmm. Brothy!" Then she licked my cheek and walked off.

I'm thinking i'll have to soak my beard in a tablespoon of the stew before bed....
 
Remembering a story about my sister. She had found a scarf that my grandfather had brought home from Asia. The print on the scarf was little images of people having sex in various positions. My sister took the scarf out and started charging other kids in the neighborhood to look at it.
 
So, a corpsman friend of mine has been to a lot of accident sites, and volunteered on an ambulance in some of the cities he's been stationed in.
He insist that most people are basically good, and want to help, but don't know how.

At one accident, he needed someone to apply pressure while he dealt with something. He glanced up and picked a person in the crowd. He knows, now, that he should have held eye contact, but he looked back down at the wound and said, "Kneel!" The person he had glanced at knelt. So did the other 12 people. All at once, like a Marine drill command. Or like a spontaneous group prayer. He remembers thinking 'i must use my powers only for good'.....

Some time after this, he was near someone who got hit by a car. As he announces that he's a medic, he starts treatment. Having learned his lesson, he looks up, makes eye contact with a guy in the crowd and shouts: Get an ambulance!
Next time, he's going to say 'CALL an ambulance.' The guy had a cell phone in his hand. However, when the guy looked up, he saw an ambulance two blocks away, going through an intersection. He stormed out of the crowd and chased the ambulance down on foot.
They had to give him oxygen before he could explain why he banged on the doors at an intersection, but he certain GOT an ambulance.
 
So i'm in Physical Therapy. I did something to my shoulder and they're working it out. Part of the treatment involves applying electrodes to stimulate the muscles. Twenty minutes of pins-and-needles causing jerking and relaxing.

He starts to describe that it could be a little painful, to prepare me so (i think) i don't scream and frighten the other patients...

"Brian? I'm a diabetic. I stick needles into my own skin three times a day. I've had eye surgery. And i've had about a dozen injections right into my eye just outside of the iris. Is this going to be something i'd consider painful?"

"No, man, for you this'll be like a deep tissue massage."

It didn't hurt. in fact, i went to sleep, waking up when he tore chest hairs off removing the electrode...
 
So, mid to late 70's, an Army helicopter squadron was on night operations. At the time, the night-vision headsets were huge, bulky things with severely limited fields.

So they're out there, taking positions and practicing coordination, esp. in avoiding a mid-air collision.
A voice reports to the tower, gives their ID and says, "We are hovering over Beacon Two Five at an altitude of three thousand feet."
Tower acknowledges the report.
A third voice comes on the line and plaintively says, "But WE'RE hovering over B25 at 3K feet!"

People come alive in the tower, trying to figure which unit is not where it's supposed t obe, trying to determine who to direct to what altitude to avoid a collision, how to tell who's above which....

Then the first voice comes back: "You idiot, you're my copilot!"
 
This didn't happen to me, but a college buddy told me about it. Because the story works better, I'm telling it in first person. Also, I'm wasn't in ROTC like he was, so I might botch the lingo somewhat, but the story still works.

We were in a helicopter in horrible weather. The chopper was bucking hard, and I was sitting there holding onto myself as tight as a I could, worried I was going to die, worried even more I was going to puke. Looking all around me, most of the other guys were a little green around the corners, some worse than others.

The guy next to me taps me on the shoulder to tell me something. Of course, it's loud, so we have to lean close and shout at each other to be heard. Anyway, he's shouting at me when all of a sudden his eyes go wide. He gets real pale, like he's just heard his puppy died in a fire. Then without warning he vomits in my face.

I felt hot chunks splash all over me. Liquid dribbled down the front and back of my shirt. My inner ears tickled from the moisture. Hard not to get a good whiff when there's barf inside your nose.

The guy next to me is apologizing profusely, practically bawling with shame and self-loathing over what he did.

But I didn't pay any attention to him.

The guys across from us were laughing hysterically. Suddenly the bumpy ride was nothing to them because it provided such priceless entertainment for them.

But I didn't pay any attention to them, either.

All the way back to base, I just kept repeating one thing to my self. Over and over and over....


DON'T LICK YOUR LIPS!

 
One day in the service, i was volunteered to assist with a supply ship restocking of the supplies on our tender. The ship i was on provided services and supplies to submarines that tied up alongside, and we were restocked about once a quarter.
Supplies were lifted over by crane, stacked on top of two pallets. We broke them down and lowered them into the ship on conveyors.
I was put in charge of the stacks of empty pallets.

Now, there's two designs for pallets. Both designs can be lifted by a forklift, or a hand-truck. The crane can only lift one of the designs. So i was cautioned to make sure that when we stacked the empties, the one for the crane had to be on the bottom. That way we could sent the stack back to the supply ship when our forecastle was full of supplies.

We were stacking them a good seven feet high, shoving them into corners to be out of the way. When we had about thirty stacks, one of my guys noticed that one stack had the wrong kind of pallet on the bottom. The crane couldn't lift it.
EVERYONE told me we had to break the stack down and restack it correctly. I came up wiht a much easier plan. Everyone stared at me with their mouths open.

We got a break in bringing the supplies aboard, so i briefed the guys attaching the crane's lifts, and their safety observer. They stared, except for the safety observer. "Always give jobs to the smart, lazy guy," he said. "He'll find the easiest way to do anything."

I'd have taken offense at his characterization, but it seemed too much like work...

The supply guy supervising the load, a petty officer Nixon, saw the stack in question. He told me to restack it. i explained a much easier way to work it. He walked away, shaking his head.

We started sending the stacks back to the supply ship. Someone would hand truck the stack into place, they'd attach the lifts, off it went. In the middle of this, two supply chiefs saw The Stack Of Doom. They both start telling me that i have to restack it. I said i didn't have to. They both start yelling at me.

Now, one of them was from the Phillipines, with a thick accent.

One of them was from Macon, Georgia, with a thicker accent. For a while, there, they were both agreeing with each other at the top of their lungs. I finally told them that PO Nixon said it was okay. They run off to yell at him.
We move a few more stacks back.

Nixon could not remember exactly how i was going to deal with the stack. "But he had a plan..." "That's bullshit! We have to restack it!" The three of them charge back around the corner to force me to do it their way.

The Stack of Doom came up just then. I did nothing more than catch everyone's eye, indicating 'this is the one we talked about.'
The chiefs both stood with their arms crossed, smug in the knowledge that i was about to screw everything up. Then they's swoop down and Fix Everything.

Then the guys attached the crane lifts to the second pallet up. That was the right kind.
The crane lifted the stack away easily.
Two of the handlers grabbed the bottom pallet, now the ONLY pallet, and threw it up on top of the next stack as someone else slid it into position. By the time the crane came back, they just went along as normal....

Chiefs were stunned. Then they oozed into trying to take credit for it. "That's just what we were gonna have you do," they said.

Yeah.

Sure.

There ARE things the Navy does because we've tried a lot of ways and this one works best. And there are things that we do because, i suspect, we started doing it 'that way' about the time the first guy in Ur watched logs float down the river and thought, "You know, i bet a guy could stand on that..."

But the worst part of any institution's policy is not 'we've always done it that way.'
it's when 'we've always done it that way' means 'that's the only way TO do it.'
 
My second ship in the navy was the USS Sterett stationed in the Philippines. On my first duty day there I'm given the 08-12 phone watch in a space referred to as Upper Flag Mod. It was always empty save for the phone and a chair. This watch was necessary due to the high volume of phone calls to the ship by girls looking to speak with last night's date.
Well, as you may or may not know, a Filipino, or in this case a Filipina will typically have trouble with F and P when speaking English. I'm new to the Philippines so I don't know this yet. I'm new to the ship so I don't know everyone on board yet either.
So this girl calls up asking for Mike Penis. Excuse me, I say. Mike Penis. BT2 Penis, she repeats. Okay, hold on, I respond.
Is someone fucking with me? Am I suppose to call around the ship asking for BT2 Penis so everyone can have a good laugh?
I decided to just leave her on hold for a bit and take a message. I did do a little snooping around after watch and finally found BT2 Fennis who worked in the Oil Lab.
 
So, two of my wife's students went out during the lunch hour and got high.
They went to their first class after lunch, which was metal shop. They told the instructor that they were too baked to be trusted with the machinery.
The instructor sent them to In House Suspension.

They didn't think that was fair. I mean, they're trying to be responsible, and not cut their or anyone else's arms off.
so instead of in-house, they went to the principal. Told him the whole story. The principal turns them over to the high school cop, who searches them and finds their weed.
They got a week suspended out of school, a stint in the Juvenile Resource Center, and came back to school yesterday.
They're pissed about it. They told the instructor that they were upset with him for turning them in for drug use.
Completely forgetting that they had turned themselves in.

So i don't know if it's completely true that drugs make you stupid.
but they seem to make really, really stupid stuff seem reasonable...
 
Derailing a funny thread with a serious response.

Those poor kids were doing something that has been discussed elsewhere on this site a bit, lately. They projected their 'knowledge' that they were doing something against the rules, but not intrinsically wrong, onto the people around them. And the people around them were all focussed on the rules and not on the morality of the situation. It would be nice if next time they don't get baked before shop, but I worry they will just risk injury.

Perhaps it makes you stupid. Perhaps it makes you honest. I have often thought it makes you self centred and unable to think from others' perspective. It certainly doesn't give you the sense to know when "to" and when 'not to", if you don't already have it.

I always love your stories, K&C, but I can't raise a chuckle at this one. It belongs in some "OMG what are we teaching out kids" thread.
 
spikepipsqueak said:
Derailing a funny thread with a serious response.

Those poor kids were doing something that has been discussed elsewhere on this site a bit, lately. They projected their 'knowledge' that they were doing something against the rules, but not intrinsically wrong, onto the people around them. And the people around them were all focussed on the rules and not on the morality of the situation. It would be nice if next time they don't get baked before shop, but I worry they will just risk injury.

Perhaps it makes you stupid. Perhaps it makes you honest. I have often thought it makes you self centred and unable to think from others' perspective. It certainly doesn't give you the sense to know when "to" and when 'not to", if you don't already have it.

I always love your stories, K&C, but I can't raise a chuckle at this one. It belongs in some "OMG what are we teaching out kids" thread.
Click to expand...

Turn them in? Perhaps, just to cover my ass. I would have likely had them sit in the classroom for the period and write a paper on shop safety.
Now back to the show.
 
I did a Career Day at my wife's school for three years. I volunteered to speak about the Navy, ended up being hte only person at the Military table.
Some of the questions i was asked:

What's better, Army or Air Force pilots?
What do you guys do for fun on submarines? There's no GIRLS!
Do you have to be an officer to be a sniper?
Do snipers have to go into combat?
Do you know Miss &.co?
Are you related to Miss &.co? (Note, my wife is black, I'm white. They noticed the similarity of the last names and were boggled)
(Also, these kids were classmates with our oldest son and knew he was my wife's kid. So they asked: ) Are you Little&Co.'s dad? How'd that happen?
Why do you have a beard?
What happens if you swear at an officer?
Don't you go nuts out there [on submarines]?
If I go into the Army, and get out, can I join SWAT?
Did you get asked a lot of stupid questions today?
What does it mean if you get an '8' on the ASVAB?
Is the Coast Guard the military?
Why did that guy on M*A*S*H wear dresses? Does that work?
Is everyone in the Air Force a pilot?
In bootcamp, do women have to shave their hair bald? Do guys?
What's your favorite submarine movie?
Do you need to know English to be in the Marines?
Twenty years? Why would you be in the military for 20 years?
What jobs can I get after 4 years in the military?
Is it fun?
Can you quit?
How hard is it to quit?
How deep have you gone [on the submarines]?
Have you ever been scared?
What if you run out of stuff [on the submarines]?
 
Your posts of Navy submarine life reminded me of a story a good friend of mine told me of life in a submarine (He joined the Navy right out of high school in 1979). He said the experienced crew members would tell the newcomers on the sub that there were "mail buoys" scattered around the ocean filled with letters from home. And that the new guys were responsible for retrieving the mail from the buoy. I think he told me that the newbies would be told to get into a special one man capsule that occupied a SLBM lauch tube and they would launch him to the surface to retrieve the mail. Or maybe it was a torpedo tube? It was so long ago I can't remember for sure. Most of the newbies bought into it hook, line and sinker. I don't recall the explanation on how the sailor was supposed to get back into the sub with the mail, though. Is this a long running joke among submariners or was it a one time thing with his crew?
 
Sounds like a skyhooks thing. A lot of tight-knit shops have some way of hazing/breaking in the newbies.
 
thebeave said:
Your posts of Navy submarine life reminded me of a story a good friend of mine told me of life in a submarine (He joined the Navy right out of high school in 1979). He said the experienced crew members would tell the newcomers on the sub that there were "mail buoys" scattered around the ocean filled with letters from home. And that the new guys were responsible for retrieving the mail from the buoy. I think he told me that the newbies would be told to get into a special one man capsule that occupied a SLBM lauch tube and they would launch him to the surface to retrieve the mail. Or maybe it was a torpedo tube? It was so long ago I can't remember for sure. Most of the newbies bought into it hook, line and sinker. I don't recall the explanation on how the sailor was supposed to get back into the sub with the mail, though. Is this a long running joke among submariners or was it a one time thing with his crew?
Click to expand...
You're mixing up stories.
There's a hatch on the side of the launch tube, which we told newbies was where the pilot got into the tube before launch....

For the mail buoy watch, the goal was to get the guy dressed out in the greatest amount of crap.
My personal best was a guy in an exposure suit, a float vest, swim fins, a web belt and two different flashlights. Oh, and holding the man-overboard gaff to pull the mail bag in. We sent him to Control.
He told the OOD he was 'reporting as ordered' and standing by for the mail buoy.
The OOD let him stand in the corner for a few minutes. Raised the periscope, lowered it, decided it was too rough for mail buoy ops... Told the MBW to secure.
 
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