Things that make you laugh...

[Keith&Co.]

Did you get asked a lot of stupid questions today?
What does it mean if you get an '8' on the ASVAB?
What if you run out of stuff [on the submarines]?

Yup.
You get to be a Gunnersmate.
Life sucks.

I think my actual response was 'Well, you get 10 points for filling in your name, so i hope it means you misunderstood the instructions....'

 

[Keith&Co.]

Elections tomorrow.
Two political calls on the machine from today.

Seven political calls tonight between getting home and eating dinner. On top of twelve on Sunday...

Republicans, Democrats, Independents, people for the casinos, people against the casinos, environmentalists for the widened recycling deposits, businesses crying that new recycling incentives will ruin the economy and, i think, two people trying to get their dad as a write-in candidate for City Dog Catcher.

I've taken to answering the phone: "If this is a political call, i'm turning communist tomorrow, can i help you?"

Three hang-ups after a dead silence.

My mother, who laughed and wrote it down.

And one guy tried to pretend he was calling about chimney sweeps. I asked his rates for a pellet furnace and he hung up.

 

[Sarpedon]

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/11/04/human-remains-found-near-north-pole-troopers-say/

apparently, Santa has been eaten by bears.

 

[James Brown]

A man approached a beautiful woman in a supermarket. "Excuse me," he said, "would you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why," asked the woman.

"I've lost my wife in here somewhere," he said, "and I can't find her anywhere."

"How will talking to me help you?" she asked.

Show

"Because every time I talk to a woman as beautiful as you," he said, "my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

[gmbteach]

A man approached a beautiful woman in a supermarket. "Excuse me," he said, "would you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why," asked the woman.

"I've lost my wife in here somewhere," he said, "and I can't find her anywhere."

"How will talking to me help you?" she asked.

Show

"Because every time I talk to a woman as beautiful as you," he said, "my wife appears out of nowhere."

LOL..

 

[Keith&Co.]

The wife's not talking to me right now.
We were discussing the state of my prescriptions and i said i needed some stuff and i was anxious.
"Are you completely out of something?"
"No. I just need insulin pens and lancets." (lancets are the little stabby things that let me test my blood sugar levels by poking holes and bleeding through them)
"Then why are you worried? Call the pharmacy and go pick the stuff up tomorrow."
"Sure. I already called them in. I'm just anxious?"
"What are you worried about?"
"I'm not worried. But i need insulin and lancets!" She stared at me. "I'm on pins and needles!"
"Get out."
"It's a pun, see?"
"Get the fuck out."






.....True story.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Some time ago, a middle manager sent out a program directive with something we were instructed NOT to do. If we did that on this contract, he said 'that would be guilding the lily.'

I wrote back and told him i was unaware that we could force flowers into guilds. he sent a correction. This time, he was trying to avoid gelding the lily.

I gave up. It never gets better.

Of course, this was about the time the company issued me a phone card. The letter said it was y 'connivance.' So somehow i have managed to enter a conspiracy with the phone company...

 

[Angry Floof]

Some time ago, a middle manager sent out a program directive with something we were instructed NOT to do. If we did that on this contract, he said 'that would be guilding the lily.'

I wrote back and told him i was unaware that we could force flowers into guilds. he sent a correction. This time, he was trying to avoid gelding the lily.

I gave up. It never gets better.

Of course, this was about the time the company issued me a phone card. The letter said it was y 'connivance.' So somehow i have managed to enter a conspiracy with the phone company...

ha! These are always fun.

At one job, we had a security officer who sent an email to the whole division using the phrase "for all intensive purposes." I did a Reply All asking "what are intensive purposes?" I couldn't resist. I didn't like her, and most people didn't as she was sneaky and abused her position to spy on people. She did not respond to my question. hehe

 

[bilby]

Some time ago, a middle manager sent out a program directive with something we were instructed NOT to do. If we did that on this contract, he said 'that would be guilding the lily.'

I wrote back and told him i was unaware that we could force flowers into guilds. he sent a correction. This time, he was trying to avoid gelding the lily.

I gave up. It never gets better.

Of course, this was about the time the company issued me a phone card. The letter said it was y 'connivance.' So somehow i have managed to enter a conspiracy with the phone company...

ha! These are always fun.

At one job, we had a security officer who sent an email to the whole division using the phrase "for all intensive purposes." I did a Reply All asking "what are intensive purposes?" I couldn't resist. I didn't like her, and most people didn't as she was sneaky and abused her position to spy on people. She did not respond to my question. hehe

One of the senior managers at my previous place of employment liked to inform us in meetings that he was an 'internal optimist'. I presume that's why he always seemed so pessimistic viewed from outside his head...

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, bug zappers work by attracting bugs and then electrifying them.

If you read the instruction manual, they actually say that you want to put the zapper about 50feet away from the area you want to protect. So not only are the bugs killed, they're drawn away from the tasty people or tasty food that you want to enjoy.

A coworker noted this and noticed that he only had a 50' wide yard.

There was no place to put a zapper for optimal bug-population-reduction effect. Nothing more than 25 feet from the porch.

His solution was to give each of his neighbors a bug zapper for Christmas. They were thrilled. They did ask why Gary didn't have one, he made vague references to his wife being afraid that the children would poke metal yardsticks up into the things...

They never read the instructions, they just did what everyone else in the South does, put it right on the end of the porch, next to the rocker swing. By Gary's calculations, they were both just about 50' away from his own porch.
So he has pretty efficient bug protection and he's not even paying for the electricity.

 

[bilby]

So, bug zappers work by attracting bugs and then electrifying them.

If you read the instruction manual, they actually say that you want to put the zapper about 50feet away from the area you want to protect. So not only are the bugs killed, they're drawn away from the tasty people or tasty food that you want to enjoy.

A coworker noted this and noticed that he only had a 50' wide yard.

There was no place to put a zapper for optimal bug-population-reduction effect. Nothing more than 25 feet from the porch.

His solution was to give each of his neighbors a bug zapper for Christmas. They were thrilled. They did ask why Gary didn't have one, he made vague references to his wife being afraid that the children would poke metal yardsticks up into the things...

They never read the instructions, they just did what everyone else in the South does, put it right on the end of the porch, next to the rocker swing. By Gary's calculations, they were both just about 50' away from his own porch.
So he has pretty efficient bug protection and he's not even paying for the electricity.

Brilliant.

 

[Angry Floof]

Just a small thing, but sometimes little stupid things catch me in the right mood and laughter comes out.

I was typing "nice!" in a message to a facebook friend but had my fingers wrong and accidentally typed "buce!"

 

[bilby]

Just a small thing, but sometimes little stupid things catch me in the right mood and laughter comes out.

I was typing "nice!" in a message to a facebook friend but had my fingers wrong and accidentally typed "buce!"

;p; Derry!

 

[Angry Floof]

Just a small thing, but sometimes little stupid things catch me in the right mood and laughter comes out.

I was typing "nice!" in a message to a facebook friend but had my fingers wrong and accidentally typed "buce!"

;p; Derry!

 

[Keith&Co.]

Okay, so my kids were all born 3 months premature. The biggest one was 2lbs 7oz.
One was in a military hospital, the twins were in a civilian hospital, military footing the bill.
The doctor bill alone for one of the twins was over $30,000.

It's 20 years later and i have substantially different insurance. The supplier and the insurance fight it out and estimate and point fingers and eventually i get a bill for what they couldn't agree on. And i pay that.
I don't mind, really. I mean, i've seen HUGE medical bills. What i get is well within my means.

However.

I found out in this morning's mail that a check WILL bounce if you write out 'five measly dollars and 06/oo's' and send it in.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

I found out in this morning's mail that a check WILL bounce if you write out 'five measly dollars and 06/oo's' and send it in.

Of course it bounces. Your account doesn't hold "measly dollars", they can't honor it!

 

[bilby]

Every time I look at my User Control Panel page today, I can't help but laugh at this:

Taken out of context, it appears to be a remarkable and out of character level of callousness on RavenSky's part...

...although in fact she was laughing at this innocuous post.

 

[TV and credit cards]

I found out in this morning's mail that a check WILL bounce if you write out 'five measly dollars and 06/oo's' and send it in.

Of course it bounces. Your account doesn't hold "measly dollars", they can't honor it!

I wonder if check reader software accepts slang? Could you have sent them a sawbuck, a fivespot or a fin? Duckets, smackers, or simoleons? Moolah, bucks, or bones? And can I make better use of my time?

 

[Keith&Co.]

We have an annual holiday season potluck in my office. For most of the 14 years i've been here, it was the official Annual Fleet, Doc and Training Pig-Out. People bring in breakfast, desserts, cookies, cold cuts, four kinds of chili or stew are always on hand, cakes, candies, casseroles, yams, etc. All available in the conference room all through the day. People enter, scan the choices, make selections, drift back to work. Some people go all out to impress coworkers with their culinary skills. I've offered a number of family recipes including finger steaks and grandma's cheesecake.

Two years ago, we added a new work group, some of whom complained that they were offended by it being called a pig-out. They wanted something more politically correct. "After all, we don't want to encourage unhealthy eating habits," someone said at the group meeting. Several of the newcomers nodded sagely.

I stood up. "UM, I'm diabetic. I've actually lost sight in one eye due to my diabetes. I could go completely blind at any time. If i am so suggestible that someone else calling the event a 'pig-out' drives me to unhealthy consumption, i shouldn't be alllowed out of bed without a keeper." So it was the Pig-Out for one more year.

This year, someone from the new group offered to organize it, so it's officially the Holiday Ugly Sweater and Weird Hat Pot-Luck.

EVERYONE in the older work groups replied back to the announcement asking if this was going to interfere with the Annual Pig-Out. "I don't want to make my famous venison stew twice, you know."

She's sitting across from me right now, trying to figure out how to promulgate the information that 'this IS the annual pig-out' without actually using the phrase 'pig-out.'

 

[Mageth]

We have an annual holiday season potluck in my office. For most of the 14 years i've been here, it was the official Annual Fleet, Doc and Training Pig-Out. People bring in breakfast, desserts, cookies, cold cuts, four kinds of chili or stew are always on hand, cakes, candies, casseroles, yams, etc. All available in the conference room all through the day. People enter, scan the choices, make selections, drift back to work. Some people go all out to impress coworkers with their culinary skills. I've offered a number of family recipes including finger steaks and grandma's cheesecake.

Two years ago, we added a new work group, some of whom complained that they were offended by it being called a pig-out. They wanted something more politically correct. "After all, we don't want to encourage unhealthy eating habits," someone said at the group meeting. Several of the newcomers nodded sagely.

I stood up. "UM, I'm diabetic. I've actually lost sight in one eye due to my diabetes. I could go completely blind at any time. If i am so suggestible that someone else calling the event a 'pig-out' drives me to unhealthy consumption, i shouldn't be alllowed out of bed without a keeper." So it was the Pig-Out for one more year.

This year, someone from the new group offered to organize it, so it's officially the Holiday Ugly Sweater and Weird Hat Pot-Luck.

EVERYONE in the older work groups replied back to the announcement asking if this was going to interfere with the Annual Pig-Out. "I don't want to make my famous venison stew twice, you know."

She's sitting across from me right now, trying to figure out how to promulgate the information that 'this IS the annual pig-out' without actually using the phrase 'pig-out.'

Wear weird pig hats and ugly pig sweaters, of course!