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Things that make you laugh...

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "so, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because...


...he lies worse than a politician. He's never been out of the yard."

 
The day after a presidential election and both parties are already talking about impeachment. :lol:
 
Angry Floof said:
The day after a presidential election and both parties are already talking about impeachment. :lol:
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Funny, but... terrible idea. If Pence were President (which he would be if the Orange Menace was impeached) our SCOTUS would be populated with REAL anti-choicers. I don't think Trump gives a shit about it one way or the other, so it's better to take our chances with him. He'll probably nominate one of his totally unqualified buddies who can't even get past a Republican congress.
 
Elixir said:
Angry Floof said:
The day after a presidential election and both parties are already talking about impeachment. :lol:
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Funny, but... terrible idea. If Pence were President (which he would be if the Orange Menace was impeached) our SCOTUS would be populated with REAL anti-choicers. I don't think Trump gives a shit about it one way or the other, so it's better to take our chances with him. He'll probably nominate one of his totally unqualified buddies who can't even get past a Republican congress.
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Sith lords are stupid like that sometimes.
 
Trump will probably turn out to be like Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox: a clown who distracts people from the people who wield power in the government (ie. Trump's advisors and cabinet, and their lobbyists).
 
A Trump-supporting coworker is quite happy with his anti-science cabinet suggestions.

According to him, 'Science isn't so hot. Did you know that lightning rods don't protect you from lightning? They actually ATTRACT lightning, more often than not."

"Um... Yeah, that's their purpose."

"No, they're supposed to stop lightning, but they actually draw it! Science is wrong!"

"No, they don't stop lightning. They make sure the lightning has a safe path to ground, so it doesn't set the house on fire. Lightning is supposed to hit the rod."

And just from knowing that little fact, he intuited that I'm an intellectual and probably a liberal. Someone else said I can't be a liberal, I was a Navy lifer.

I said I support the death penalty, a standing military, gun ownership, so all my liberal friends think I'm conservative. But I also support gay marriage, abortion, generous birth control options and flag burning, so all my conservative friends think I'm gay.

"Well, you can't be gay, you have three kids."
"Does he? His WIFE has three kids. We don't know if he had anything to do with them."
"On our boat, he was in charge of the smut locker!"
"Well, what he inventoried doesn't count unless you saw what he beat off to."
They all looked at me.

"All I can say is that I own more Playboy back issues than I own Barbie dolls." And I walked out in the deep and uncomfortable silence following that.

I may not be allowed in the Programming office again... I hear they're still fighting, just not sure what about at this point.
 
Keith&Co. said:
A Trump-supporting coworker is quite happy with his anti-science cabinet suggestions.

According to him, 'Science isn't so hot. Did you know that lightning rods don't protect you from lightning? They actually ATTRACT lightning, more often than not."

"Um... Yeah, that's their purpose."

"No, they're supposed to stop lightning, but they actually draw it! Science is wrong!"

"No, they don't stop lightning. They make sure the lightning has a safe path to ground, so it doesn't set the house on fire. Lightning is supposed to hit the rod."

And just from knowing that little fact, he intuited that I'm an intellectual and probably a liberal. Someone else said I can't be a liberal, I was a Navy lifer.

I said I support the death penalty, a standing military, gun ownership, so all my liberal friends think I'm conservative. But I also support gay marriage, abortion, generous birth control options and flag burning, so all my conservative friends think I'm gay.

"Well, you can't be gay, you have three kids."
"Does he? His WIFE has three kids. We don't know if he had anything to do with them."
"On our boat, he was in charge of the smut locker!"
"Well, what he inventoried doesn't count unless you saw what he beat off to."
They all looked at me.

"All I can say is that I own more Playboy back issues than I own Barbie dolls." And I walked out in the deep and uncomfortable silence following that.

I may not be allowed in the Programming office again... I hear they're still fighting, just not sure what about at this point.
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:hysterical: I feel your pain. People constantly try to label me, and seem shocked when I deviate from the label they've ascribed to me. Close friends and family are frustrated that they can't pin me down as a liberal or a conservative. I guess they've never heard of freethinking. Gotta love identity politics.
 
Even happens in Canada.

Show any open support to people on the LGBT spectrum and you get labelled. Couldn't give a literal fuck about anybody who'd label me for that, though.
 
rousseau said:
Even happens in Canada.

Show any open support to people on the LGBT spectrum and you get labelled. Couldn't give a literal fuck about anybody who'd label me for that, though.
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Not giving a fuck about morons is how we got one of them for a president-elect.
 
A coworker has had a sign inside their cube, 'God's last name is not DAMMIT!'

They've had it for years. I took it as a request that we don't use profanity in his cube. Or at least, when I AM profane in or near his cube, I politely apologize for my bad fucking language.

Well, since the election, he's one of those who has decided the nation's mandate validates many of his beliefs. he's moved his sign to hang on the outside of his cubicle.

Someone, and I use the pronoun with no irony, I had nothing to do with it, has appended a sign saying 'Jesus's last name isn't Christ.'

The Christains in the unit have lost their shit.

I could WISH I was responsible for this much gnashing of teeth and wailing. Oh, the persecution of informing them that it's a title, not a surname.

My boss' boss delayed leaving work today, to start her holiday, to find 'the one responsible' and I just kept insisting "If I wrote it, I would not have appended apostrophe S for chrissakes!"

Also, I'd have hand-lettered the sign because they can check the printer logs if they're really determined, but I'm not sure they realize that. I'm not going to be the one to tell them....
 
Keith&Co. said:
A coworker has had a sign inside their cube, 'God's last name is not DAMMIT!'

They've had it for years. I took it as a request that we don't use profanity in his cube. Or at least, when I AM profane in or near his cube, I politely apologize for my bad fucking language.

Well, since the election, he's one of those who has decided the nation's mandate validates many of his beliefs. he's moved his sign to hang on the outside of his cubicle.

Someone, and I use the pronoun with no irony, I had nothing to do with it, has appended a sign saying 'Jesus's last name isn't Christ.'

The Christains in the unit have lost their shit.

I could WISH I was responsible for this much gnashing of teeth and wailing. Oh, the persecution of informing them that it's a title, not a surname.

My boss' boss delayed leaving work today, to start her holiday, to find 'the one responsible' and I just kept insisting "If I wrote it, I would not have appended apostrophe S for chrissakes!"

Also, I'd have hand-lettered the sign because they can check the printer logs if they're really determined, but I'm not sure they realize that. I'm not going to be the one to tell them....
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You could quietly check it yourself and find the name of the person who might be a valuable co-conspirator on future "gnashing of teeth" type projects. :)
 
My coworker's 18 month old daughter has been eating the catfood set out for her sister's cat.
They've moved the cat's dish up out of the girl's reach. Right now it's on top of the fridge.
Somehow, the cat has learned to share her food with the girl. He will drop a bite to the floor then eat a bite, drop one, eat one. Daughter eats the dropped food, then when the cat comes down off the fridge, she holds it in her lap and pets it. The cat really likes to be petted and the older daughter doesn't do it nearly enough.

Coworker's wife is worried about whether there's anything unhealthy about eating cat food.

Coworker is worried that when this girl grows up, she's going to take over the world. her, or maybe the cat will.... Still not clear who trained who.
 
I had some unavoidable errands to run on Black Friday. My son asked if he could tag along to get a new pair of headphones. So we're walking through the mall and a woman on her cellphone walks between us. Just as she passes, she tells whoever-on-the-other-end : "I heard they turned the oxygen down."
We stop and stare at each other. And without a word turn around to follow her and try to figure the context of this statement. Is she talking about a fish tank or Grandpa's life support? But she ducked into Target, which was a madhouse, and no punchline seemed worth the scrum.

So we're still pondering the possibilities...
 
Keith&Co. said:
I had some unavoidable errands to run on Black Friday. My son asked if he could tag along to get a new pair of headphones. So we're walking through the mall and a woman on her cellphone walks between us. Just as she passes, she tells whoever-on-the-other-end : "I heard they turned the oxygen down."
We stop and stare at each other. And without a word turn around to follow her and try to figure the context of this statement. Is she talking about a fish tank or Grandpa's life support? But she ducked into Target, which was a madhouse, and no punchline seemed worth the scrum.

So we're still pondering the possibilities...
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Probably related to daylight savings time.
 
Facebook just reminded me of a post I made on my family account six years ago today: "I think God created Santa Claus so that Jesus could take the day off for his birthday."
 
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