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Things that make you laugh...

Probably an old one, but I had not seen it before today:

"A MIT linguistic professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right.""
 
Stephen Fry had a show to roll out his book, More Fool Me. We were watching it the other day. He recounted someone recounting an anecdote about the Queen Mother.
Seems that she thought that the television in her rooms was getting a bit old, so he had it replaced. And wonder of wonders, he got one with a remote control.
"Why, whatever is that?" she asked.
"Well, Mum, you see, you push this button for BBC 1," and demonstrated. "And you push this button for BBC 2." Ta da. "And this button gives you ITV." And just like that, there it ws. She thought it was wonderfully clever, but in the end decided it was still easier to just ring. The audience laughed.

My youngest, watching the show with me, turned to ask, "Did she think the remote was a cell phone?"
 
So I have this idea for a bible fanfic.

The key to it lies in the Covenant of the Rainbow. God promises that the world will never again face destruction from a watery flood.
That's the whole world. But He could still keep His word of Mankind gets out of hand again, and there's a flood that threatens only mankind OR isn't water.

So in this story, people all over the world start to slowly, quietly report that they can't get off by masturbation anymore, though couples can. Then couples can't get sexual satisfaction. There are reports during this time that threesomes are successful, but that dwindles. Over time, mankind realizes that greater and greater numbers of participants are required to achieve sexual satisfaction. At the end, the entire human race from puberty to senility is trapped in a glassy-eyed search for a sufficiently large orgy. Work doesn't get done, food doesn't get grown, goods are neither made nor distributed... We're all doomed, especially when an Angel reveals to the main character that eventually, humans will require more humans than exist in the galaxy in order to come. But when we do go, we go out with a huge, huge, yuuuuuuge bang.

I'm just not sure whether to call it the Second Flood or the Second Coming?
 
There's a freezing rain outside tonight.
My wife looks out the window and comments on how cold it looks. I agree.
Then she declares:
Mrs. &Co: I'm cold!
Me: What can i do to warm you up?
Mrs. &Co: I don't know.
Me: Oh! I know!
Mrs. &Co: What?
Me: (stepping behind her, hands on her shoulders) We need to get you out of these wet clothes!
Mrs. &Co: My clothes are dry!
Me: (spitting sound)
Mrs. &Co: You wouldn't dare.
Youngest son: What? Have you MET him before?
 
ZiprHead said:
No wonder why your coworkers think you're evil.
Click to expand...
Well, I would have asked, 'if I'm so evil, why are half my coworkers stealing that joke?' But then I realized just how evil my coworkers are.


So now I'm wondering why the other half aren't stealing it...?
 
My company has reorganized out job code structure.
There are several buzz words in the letter about consistency and equity and stuff.

For 16 years I've been in the training department, my job title: Senior Specialist, Technical Training.

Now, I've been changed to Advanced Technical Training Specialist.

No change in pay, seniority or job scope. The description is pretty close to what I do for a living. The odd part is, EVERYONE else in the training department has become an Integrated Logistics Support Specialist. The job codes are on a completely different page. It's like taking the six cooks in the kitchen and making them 1 Chef and 5 Chauffeurs.

My coworkers examined their job code descriptions and emailed our boss to say, "Please change my job code to match Keith's." Or words to that effect.

I emailed our boss to say, "I guess we need to change the department's name from Fleet Documentation and Training to Fleet Documentation and Keith.

And now, when anyone calls 'Keith' I modestly say, "Oh, no need to be formal...."
 
Keith&Co. said:
Because i was SOOOOO clean and pure as a teen, I only really have one drug story. I learned it when a bunch of missile techs took the Master At Arms course. We were there for the nightstick training, but had fun with the drug curricula and other parts.

Seems a Master at Arms was teaching a Drug Recognition course to some officers. He had a cigar box with three joints in it. They passed it around, with the instructions to crack it, sniff, and then open it to see what that smell was. This was so that as the officers toured their spaces, they might recognize the smell.

Anyway, it passes around once, and when it gets back to the instructor, it only had two joints in it.

'Ha ha. Very funny. Now, I'm going to pass it around again, and this time I want everything back.' Around it goes, comes back, now it has just one joint inside.

'This isn't funny. Everyone put your head down on the desk, when the box is passed to you, open it, put it back if you have it, close it, and pass it on. Keep your head on the desk so no one will see who has it.' Comes back with two joints.

'Dammit. Everyone into the hall.'. MAA goes down the hall, comes back with a German Shepherd and his partner. 'This is a drug dog. We're gonna do this one more time, then if the dog finds a joint on you, you're going to be arrested.' One at a time they went into the class, opened the box, closed it, came out again. MAA went into the classroom....and found five joints in the box.....
Click to expand...

I'm actually quite happy I never made it passed the initial testing phases before becoming too ill to join up, cuz I'd a had to unload all my stash, lol. Pot humor always seems the funniest stuff.
 
I took a listen to the song Alice's Restaurant" for the first time this Thanksgiving. Best ten minutes ever with the funniest of stories. For anybody not familiar, it starts with the singer talking about the time he got put on the FBI's Watch List . . . for littering and resisting arrest. Goo 'ol Officer Obie came out to see why the guy had thrown a bag of trash in a local dump which was apparently illegal, took a bunch of 8" by 10" glossy color photographs, got out dogs, a helicopter and hauled the guy in for questioning. So the singer ends up in county jail for a bit and tells the folks there why he got where he is an they all inch along the bench away from him when they here the littering part and come right back to pat him on the back when they hear the bit about resisting arrest. An then the singer gets to court for his day, and the Officer Obie gets up to present his plethora of 8" by 10" only to find out the seeing eye dog the judge had couldn't signal as to hat the photos had in them. So good 'ol Officer Obie sent a report to the FBI on the littering singer and got him on a List. The who time the song was on I was rolling.

O' Course part o' that could of been cuz it was in my still smoking phase of living, but hey, any humor gets a person going. I'd post a link to it if I knew how.
 
Underseer said:
Found this posted on Google+

English: A dog
Swedish: What?
English: The dog
English: Two dogs
Swedish: En hund, hunden
Swedish: Två hundar, hundarna
German: ...
English: No, go away
Swedish: No one invited you
German: Der Hund
English: I said go away
German: Ein Hund, zwei Hunde
Swedish: Stop it
German: Den Hund, einen Hund, dem Hund, einem Hund, des Hundes, eines Hundes, den Hunden, der Hunden
Finnish: 'sup
English: NO
Swedish: NO
German: NO
Finnish: Koira, koiran, koiraa, koiran again, koirassa, koirasta, koiraan, koiralla, koiralta, koiralle, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, koirineen, koirin
German: ...
Swedish: ...
English: ...
Finnish: Aaaand... koirasi, koirani, koiransa, koiramme, koiranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koiraansa, koiraamme, koiraanne, koirassani, koirassasi, koirassansa, koirassamme, koirassanne, koirastani, koirastasi, koirastansa, koirastamme, koirastanne, koirallani, koirallasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, koirallanne, koiranani, koiranasi, koiranansa, koiranamme, koirananne, koirakseni, koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koiraksemme, koiraksenne, koirattani, koirattasi, koirattansa, koirattamme, koirattanne, koirineni, koirinesi, koirinensa, koirinemme, koirinenne
English: ...
Swedish: ...
German: ...
Finnish: Wait! then there's koirakaan, koirankaan, koiraakaan, koirassakaan, koirastakaan, koiraankaan, koirallakaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koiraako, koirassako, koirastako, koiraanko, koirallako, koiraltako, koiralleko, koiranako, koiraksiko, koirattako, koirineenko, koirinko, koirasikaan, koiranikaan, koiransakaan, koirammekaan, koirannekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraasikaan, koiraansakaan, koiraammekaan, koiraannekaan, koirassanikaan, koirassasikaan, koirassansakaan, koirassammekaan, koirassannekaan, koirastanikaan, koirastasikaan, koirastansakaan, koirastammekaan, koirastannekaan, koirallanikaan, koirallasikaan, koirallansakaan, koirallammekaan, koirallannekaan, koirananikaan, koiranasikaan, koiranansakaan, koiranammekaan, koiranannekaan, koiraksenikaan, koiraksesikaan, koiraksensakaan, koiraksemmekaan, koiraksennekaan, koirattanikaan, koirattasikaan, koirattansakaan, koirattammekaan, koirattannekaan, koirinenikaan, koirinesikaan, koirinensakaan, koirinemmekaan, koirinennekaan, koirasiko, koiraniko, koiransako, koirammeko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraasiko, koiraansako, koiraammeko, koiraanneko, koirassaniko, koirassasiko, koirassansako, koirassammeko, koirassanneko, koirastaniko, koirastasiko, koirastansako, koirastammeko, koirastanneko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirallansako, koirallammeko, koirallanneko, koirananiko, koiranasiko, koiranansako, koiranammeko, koirananneko, koirakseniko, koiraksesiko, koiraksensako, koiraksemmeko, koiraksenneko, koirattaniko, koirattasiko, koirattansako, koirattammeko, koirattanneko, koirineniko, koirinesiko, koirinensako, koirinemmeko, koirinenneko, koirasikaanko, koiranikaanko, koiransakaanko, koirammekaanko, koirannekaanko, koiraanikaanko, koiraasikaanko, koiraansakaanko, koiraammekaanko, koiraannekaanko, koirassanikaanko, koirassasikaanko, koirassansakaanko, koirassammekaanko, koirassannekaanko, koirastanikaanko, koirastasikaanko, koirastansakaanko, koirastammekaanko, koirastannekaanko, koirallanikaanko, koirallasikaanko, koirallansakaanko, koirallammekaanko, koirallannekaanko, koirananikaanko, koiranasikaanko, koiranansakaanko, koiranammekaanko, koiranannekaanko, koiraksenikaanko, koiraksesikaanko, koiraksensakaanko, koiraksemmekaanko, koiraksennekaanko, koirattanikaanko, koirattasikaanko, koirattansakaanko, koirattammekaanko, koirattannekaanko, koirinenikaanko, koirinesikaanko, koirinensakaanko, koirinemmekaanko, koirinennekaanko, koirasikokaan, koiranikokaan, koiransakokaan, koirammekokaan, koirannekokaan, koiraanikokaan, koiraasikokaan, koiraansakokaan, koiraammekokaan, koiraannekokaan, koirassanikokaan, koirassasikokaan, koirassansakokaan, koirassammekokaan, koirassannekokaan, koirastanikokaan, koirastasikokaan, koirastansakokaan, koirastammekokaan, koirastannekokaan, koirallanikokaan, koirallasikokaan, koirallansakokaan, koirallammekokaan, koirallannekokaan, koirananikokaan, koiranasikokaan, koiranansakokaan, koiranammekokaan, koiranannekokaan, koiraksenikokaan, koiraksesikokaan, koiraksensakokaan, koiraksemmekokaan, koiraksennekokaan, koirattanikokaan, koirattasikokaan, koirattansakokaan, koirattammekokaan, koirattannekokaan, koirinenikokaan, koirinesikokaan, koirinensakokaan, koirinemmekokaan, koirinennekokaan
Swedish: ...
German: ...
English: Okay, now you're just making things up!
Finnish: And now the plural forms...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...


I've a very good friend who is Finnish, and I once told her that I wanted to learn Finnish because it sounded not that far from Nederlands in pronunciation schemes. First she tried to explain it is a difficult language with insane variations. I did not believe her. She then sent me the same thing in an IM and then asked me if I still wanted to learn.


I said no.


Thus endeth my foray into learning that articular language.
 
DolphinDynasty said:
So the singer ends up in county jail for a bit and tells the folks there why he got where he is an they all inch along the bench away from him when they here the littering part and come right back to pat him on the back when they hear the bit about resisting arrest.
Click to expand...
Oh, it's not the jail. It's the other inductees, the 'problem children' all sitting on the Group W bench.
He did a dead-on imitation of the Sergeant who presented a form, in the military manner of one who's performed something a zillion times, so all the words run together. It's no longer a chain from memory through the thinking portion to the mouth, just a shortcut that takes the mind out completely. nd it stops being individual words...

"And he said, 'This here form has thirtysevensentences,sixteenlines,fourteenblocksandyouwillfillinthe datefromyourarrest' ...and no one understood a word that he said, but we all had fun playing with the pencils and filling in the forms..."
Always cracks me up, too. I can just SEE Sarge in that scene.
 
lol, this song cracks me up even when strung out like that . . . heh heh, strung out. I don't know what happened to the singer, but winning a Grammy is sooooo over-rated when gold like that is difficult to find.
 
gmbteach said:
My cat Tabitha is weird.

She has a fetish for plastic. She will lick plastic shopping bags to her hearts content.... and bubble wrap? She loves to lick and chew it!

Well today, she actually started chewing on a plastic shopping bag full of bridal magazines (that's the wedding kind of bridal Bilby, not the horse kind) that I am giving to a friend who collects them. She seemed happy. Yes, I checked her bowl. Yes, there is food in it.
Click to expand...

My kitten licks plastic, cardboard, combs, and people. He loves dry food, but scorns or snubs wet food and any people food including cold cuts, and hates tuna.

So weird.
 
DolphinDynasty said:
gmbteach said:
My cat Tabitha is weird.

She has a fetish for plastic. She will lick plastic shopping bags to her hearts content.... and bubble wrap? She loves to lick and chew it!

Well today, she actually started chewing on a plastic shopping bag full of bridal magazines (that's the wedding kind of bridal Bilby, not the horse kind) that I am giving to a friend who collects them. She seemed happy. Yes, I checked her bowl. Yes, there is food in it.
Click to expand...

My kitten licks plastic, cardboard, combs, and people. He loves dry food, but scorns or snubs wet food and any people food including cold cuts, and hates tuna.

So weird.
Click to expand...

Both of our cats like wet food, but only a small amount. They also like the bigger kibbles - not the little ones.

They are both a bit strange.
 
DolphinDynasty said:
I took a listen to the song Alice's Restaurant" for the first time this Thanksgiving. Best ten minutes ever with the funniest of stories. For anybody not familiar, it starts with the singer talking about the time he got put on the FBI's Watch List . . . for littering and resisting arrest. Goo 'ol Officer Obie came out to see why the guy had thrown a bag of trash in a local dump which was apparently illegal, took a bunch of 8" by 10" glossy color photographs, got out dogs, a helicopter and hauled the guy in for questioning. So the singer ends up in county jail for a bit and tells the folks there why he got where he is an they all inch along the bench away from him when they here the littering part and come right back to pat him on the back when they hear the bit about resisting arrest. An then the singer gets to court for his day, and the Officer Obie gets up to present his plethora of 8" by 10" only to find out the seeing eye dog the judge had couldn't signal as to hat the photos had in them. So good 'ol Officer Obie sent a report to the FBI on the littering singer and got him on a List. The who time the song was on I was rolling.

O' Course part o' that could of been cuz it was in my still smoking phase of living, but hey, any humor gets a person going. I'd post a link to it if I knew how.
Click to expand...


If you liked that, maybe you'll like this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trQW-1TnjSY

Utah Phillips - Moose Turd Pie....
 
My AIM access through CITRIX has expired, but my CAC is still good. So I need to apply to SLC for reactivation through SPA and SSP (my sponsor). I got the ARC request form and filled it out and asked, 'Who do I send this to?"
The reply from the SA-ESD was my AIM-MC needs to process it.

I had to ask back, "Can I get a name...? I'm all acronymed out."

She sent back, "LOL!"





....she's on the List...
 
Keith&Co. said:
DolphinDynasty said:
Unless it's been vajazzled to, I aint buyin' it, lolz.
Click to expand...
Ah. You've earned the vadge of honor, I see.
Click to expand...


Damn straight, gem stones be shiny. :)

Now think what it would be like to get the job of Vadge of Honor Polisher, heh heh.

- - - Updated - - -

Aww, he looks and sounds cute. Also funny. Hats off to the funny.

Thanks!
 
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