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Things that make you laugh...

So, it comes as a revelation to my coworkers that there is at least one business where a woman can take a mold of her privates, send it in to be 3D scanned, and someone with a 3D printer will make jewelry based on the individual traits of the individual.

They're just fascinated, not by the mechanics but by the why?

"Who," they wonder, "would want a woman's privates as earrings?"
Paranoid people," I said.
"What?"
I looked around, shifty-eyed, as one feeling suspicious and surrounded. "You want to be able to hear them coming..."
Much laughter, many things thrown at me.

Someone came in, was brought up to speed on the conversation and asked, "Who would WEAR something that tacky as jewelry?"
"Are you kidding?" I asked. "Some would wear it as a vadge of honor!"

I'm not allowed to leave my cubicle now because no one can make eye contact in the office. And no one wants me to return anything they've thrown at me.
 
Note to those interested:

If your nephrologist observes that you're VITAMIN -D deficient, and suggests that you start taking VITAMIN D supplements, i recommend that you either remember this inside your head OR write out VITAMIN in any note you make to yourself for your shopping trip to the pharmacy.

YOU will understand the significance of any shortened reference, but people seeing a "Doc Says: V-D" yellow sticky may make erroneous conclusions with lasting repercussions.
 
Angry Floof said:
Landed on this awkward hilarity while surfing amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Im-Not-Going...3?ie=UTF8&qid=1484192458&sr=8-13&keywords=dmb

The comments are just there to flesh out the stupid a bit more.
Click to expand...
Maybe if she wrote it in verse? With, um, some line-art?
I can't stand on my seat to show my clapping hands?
DMB is playing, seat stand fascist!
Why aren't you watching the band?
The guitar riff is the freshest!
Click to expand...




It could be a light comedy. But selling this bitching, whiny mope?
Yeah, that's stooped.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Maybe if she wrote it in verse? With, um, some line-art?
I can't stand on my seat to show my clapping hands?
DMB is playing, seat stand fascist!
Why aren't you watching the band?
The guitar riff is the freshest!
Click to expand...




It could be a light comedy. But selling this bitching, whiny mope?
Yeah, that's stooped.
Click to expand...

That's the funniest part. She published a book of nothing more than a minor internet rant that no one cares about except three people who are apparently just there to tell her she's stupid and that no one cares.
 
Saw a pic of Kellyanne Conway but I wasn't sure it was her so I did a google image search to get more info.

Here is the awesome sauce that google delivered up in response:

kellyanneconwayjosephducreux.png

Google thinks Kellyanne Conway is Joseph Ducreux. :D :D :D :D
 
Bless the Australians and their sense of humor.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Any other questions, ask Bilby! I am sure he will be more than willing to answer them.. :D
 
That first USA question was from me. Whenever I think how much I'd like to visit Australia, I of course think of that video of two big kangaroos duking it out on a quiet suburban street.
 
gmbteach said:
Bless the Australians and their sense of humor.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Any other questions, ask Bilby! I am sure he will be more than willing to answer them.. :D
Click to expand...

Is it true that everything in Australia wants to kill you?
 
Elixir said:
gmbteach said:
Bless the Australians and their sense of humor.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Any other questions, ask Bilby! I am sure he will be more than willing to answer them.. :D
Click to expand...

Is it true that everything in Australia wants to kill you?
Click to expand...

Yes.

IMG_2214.JPG
 
Elixir said:
Is it true that everything in Australia wants to kill you?
Click to expand...

There's a lovely discussion of this in Last Chance to See, by Douglas Adams. He interviews an Aussie doctor about the variety of poisonous spiders, snakes, etcetera, and how they are so much worse than those elsewhere.

After the climax (a rockfish? Something that hurts so bad that people drown themselves to end the pain) Adams asks whether there is anything even more venomous than that.

The doctor sadly says, "Well, there was ... but she left me."
 
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