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Man Unsure If He's Persecuted Because He's a Christian or Because He's a Massive Jerk

ATLANTA, GA—After getting into yet another argument on Facebook Monday morning, local believer Hank Richert found himself blocked by several of his friends and family members, but the 32-year-old Christian was still unable to figure out if this new wave of persecution was because of his firm faith in Jesus, or because of the fact that he’s a “total jerkwad,” sources confirmed....

“I’m always getting asked to leave restaurants and grocery stores for loudly arguing with people. I guess it’s just my cross to bear in a culture that’s diametrically opposed to the teachings of Jesus,” he said.
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Link for more.
 
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Well how do they have hippo races then? I was planning on coming naked.

And if the crocodiles ate all the hippos what do the alligators eat?
 
Atheos said:
Well how do they have hippo races then? I was planning on coming naked.

And if the crocodiles ate all the hippos what do the alligators eat?
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A crocodile is a large semi-aquatic carnivorous reptile. It is very different from an alligator, which is an individual making an alligation in a court of law.
 
bilby said:
Atheos said:
Do they also swarm hippos?
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Nah.

Crocodiles ate all the hippos.
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And the bull sharks ate the crocodiles.. :D

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bilby said:
Atheos said:
Well how do they have hippo races then? I was planning on coming naked.

And if the crocodiles ate all the hippos what do the alligators eat?
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A crocodile is a large semi-aquatic carnivorous reptile. It is very different from an alligator, which is an individual making an alligation in a court of law.
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Oh.. another type of shark.. :P
 
Not funny: My car wouldn't start this morning, and I had to jump it and take it in for service.

Funny: The mechanic explaining to the guy in front of me, as they looked under the hood, "Yes, sir, but it doesn't matter how old or new your car is to the rats; they just like the warmth."
 
I now see how it must be like to be Keith&Co. I was in a store cashier line with my cousin. I habitually glance over the impulse items juuuuust in case there's something useful there that I always forget to put on my list, like nail clippers or lighters or Slim Jim beef snacks. I noticed something out of place - a pregnancy test. A whole peg row of them, not just one that someone might have put there after changing their mind about buying it. The shelf label also said "PRG TST" or something like that. In an impulse buy section.

I said to my cousin that it caught my eye because it's not really an impulse item, is it? I mean, if you're buying a pregnancy test, it's likely it's not an afterthought, like oh yeah, I do need some AA batteries, thank you very much, impulse item section! No one strolls through on a routine shopping trip and go, oh yeah, I want to see if I'm pregnant. OK, a tiny percentage might be people working on having a baby and they grab a test to have on hand. But usually the impulse part is done by the time you're shopping for a test. That ship has sailed. No, you know damn well what you're there for and you'd go straight to that department, not next to where they keep the Bubblicious.

By this time, I notice the chuckling going on behind us and I turn to find an audience of about eight people all laughing like I'm some kind of stand up show. I thought what I was saying was kind of amusing, but suddenly it was pretty hysterical to me, too, and everyone was laughing.
 
Angry Floof said:
I now see how it must be like to be Keith&Co. I was in a store cashier line with my cousin. I habitually glance over the impulse items juuuuust in case there's something useful there that I always forget to put on my list, like nail clippers or lighters or Slim Jim beef snacks. I noticed something out of place - a pregnancy test. A whole peg row of them, not just one that someone might have put there after changing their mind about buying it. The shelf label also said "PRG TST" or something like that. In an impulse buy section.

I said to my cousin that it caught my eye because it's not really an impulse item, is it? I mean, if you're buying a pregnancy test, it's likely it's not an afterthought, like oh yeah, I do need some AA batteries, thank you very much, impulse item section! No one strolls through on a routine shopping trip and go, oh yeah, I want to see if I'm pregnant. OK, a tiny percentage might be people working on having a baby and they grab a test to have on hand. But usually the impulse part is done by the time you're shopping for a test. That ship has sailed. No, you know damn well what you're there for and you'd go straight to that department, not next to where they keep the Bubblicious.

By this time, I notice the chuckling going on behind us and I turn to find an audience of about eight people all laughing like I'm some kind of stand up show. I thought what I was saying was kind of amusing, but suddenly it was pretty hysterical to me, too, and everyone was laughing.
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So.... Please don't keep us in suspense.... Are you pregnant or not? :eek:
 
Journal of Alternative Facts

RW: Do you plan to apply for an Impact Factor, or can we just assume that it’s the highest Impact Factor ever, despite the fact that no one has ever cited any papers in the journal?

JAF: You must be mistaken; we have the greatest citation counts. In fact, we have more citations than there were participants in the Women’s March. Perhaps your metrics are skewed because you are not properly counting tweets as citations. As you know, the government is moving towards conducting the majority of their business on Twitter, so it is appropriate for the academe to follow their example. If our impact factor is lower than it should be, it is clearly the result of rigged citations.

RW: Does the journal have a retraction policy?

JAF: Absolutely not. Here at the Journal of Alternative Facts, we do not believe in retraction. In the field of alternative facts, there are no mistakes or falsehoods, only facts that are appropriately alternative. In fact, we encourage submission of retracted papers from other venues to the Journal of Alternative Facts.
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"News you can't use"... I used to run a radio segment with that name.
 
For Keith&Co

Seen on another forum: It's a lie when people say submarines are Diesel-Electric or Nuclear Power. Subs run on sarcasm.
 
There were all sorts of interesting other sorts of submarines: ones powered by Hydrogen Peroxide, and ones powered by Kerosene, even Steam Powered Submarines. (that is steam generated by burning combustables, I am well aware that nuclear subs are technically 'steam powered.')
 
ZiprHead said:
For Keith&Co

Seen on another forum: It's a lie when people say submarines are Diesel-Electric or Nuclear Power. Subs run on sarcasm.
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I'm printing that out to hang in our office.
Every bubblehead i tell it to laughs themselves nearly unconscious.
 
Angry Floof said:
A whole peg row of them, not just one that someone might have put there after changing their mind about buying it. The shelf label also said "PRG TST" or something like that. In an impulse buy section.
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I know, right!?! You HAVE to wonder how that happened.
Someone had to look at that rack and make a positive decision that someone, somewhere, could be persuaded to just toss a pregnancy test in with their... Their what?

What could they be buying? Ingredients for a romantic supper? I can see a whim purchase of 'well, better get some rubbers, in case things work out,' but not even the Odd Couple's Felix Unger would be thinking THAT far in advance.

And the market of people who, like me, consider leaving empty home pregnancy test boxes in curious locations to be an art form, there can't really be enough of a market to justify catering to that market.

Although, the one time i WANTED one on a whim, i had to search high and low for the damned things.

My boss had quit smoking and as her taste buds came back to life, she started reacting oddly to other people's food choices. She kept begging tastes as she smelled things, ALMOST as if she was having..... Cravings. SO i wanted to have one at hand for the next time, but before i could get one she started smoking again.

And, yeah, that's the sort of scene that i find myself in from time to time.

You just want to ask, "WHAT?!! Did this make SENSE to you?"
 
[video]http://68.media.tumblr.com/2e3a57bbc933edaf30d9402c9202d5de/tumblr_ojuso5uFbE1s02vreo1_400.gif[/video]

Mulligan?
 
People keep forwarding memes to me.
The ones about how if anyone feels like burning the American Flag, they should be made to serve 2 years in the Army.
I'm really getting tired of them. I wrote a letter to the local paper editor saying that i'm kind of offended by the idea of using military service the way some other countries have used political reeducation camps. Plus, i spent 20 in uniform. Does that mean i get to burn 10 flags?

So, someone who read the letter got all kinds of upset that I'd even consider burning a flag. I wouldn't really do that. Mostly because i have bad luck with fires...
But that gave me a thought. Businesses are allowed to produce a certain amount of pollution and if they don't use the full capacity, they can sell the excess volume to other companies.

So, i started to muse aloud that my wife and I could sell off our capacity.. Two year increments of completed patriotic military service, and the associated right to burn a flag, sold to individual activists or activist groups...

Christ, you'd think i'd told him I'd raped his daughter. Or burned a flag....
 
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