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Things that make you laugh...

I have been tasked with answering a series of questions about an upcoming change to the weapons system.
I can't find any reference materials describing this change. I can't find anyone who admits to any knowledge of the change. I can't even find the paperwork that suggested the changes that could be made, though of course that document will be obsolete by now, due to mission creep.

Unfortunately the reply 'I can't answer these, no one knows anything about Increment 9.' cannot be submitted.
So I just made shit up. Did not send it back to the requester, I sent it to everyone in my unit and our sister units for review.
Most of them don't know enough about Inc 9 to say if I'm right or wrong. One person sent a very snotty reply with everything I got wrong. This person, let's call him Mr. Smith, did not give the actual answers to the questions, but did detail my every error in a 'reply to all' message of some length.
Mr. Smith WAS one of the people I asked before about Inc 9, but received no report of positive knowledge on the subject.

My reply to the requester is: Mr. Smith is the one to contact for information about Increment 9.

Figure he knows enough to be pompous, let him answer the customer.
 
A coworker made a reference to the Pythagoras theorem today. But he got it wrong.
We started to tease him about stuff we learned in school.
He complained that he shouldn't be held responsible for stuff he hasn't sued since high school in 2007.

Second coworker glared at him. "Thanks for making me feel old, bitch."

I pointed out that I graduated high school in 1980.

Second coworker smiles at me. "Thanks for making me feel young!"


...bitch.
 
Keith&Co. said:
A coworker made a reference to the Pythagoras theorem today. But he got it wrong.
We started to tease him about stuff we learned in school.
He complained that he shouldn't be held responsible for stuff he hasn't sued since high school in 2007.

Second coworker glared at him. "Thanks for making me feel old, bitch."

I pointed out that I graduated high school in 1980.

Second coworker smiles at me. "Thanks for making me feel young!"


...bitch.
Click to expand...

So you wanna feel young? I dropped out of high school in 1967!
You're welcome. :)
 
quick trip to market for something we forgot to buy with the groceries.
A father is telling his daughters the skedule for the evening.
"We're going to buy picnic food, and then we'll go out to Uncle Fred's place and have a picnic."
"Which one's Uncle Fred?"
"He lives on the lake."
"Oh! THAT'S WHERE YOU GET YOUR GRASS!"
"Hush!Hush!Hush!"
 
So, at work, someone mentioned the number of women he'd had sex with since his marriage.
Someone else said that they could count their lovers on one hand.
A third guy points out that he can count to 32 on one hand.
No one in the office believed him.
"Bwahaha!" he chortled. "I happen to know binary!"
"So do I," I said. "And you can only count to 31 on one hand in binary."

Turns out, he did NOT know binary, he just read it online. But he was willing to argue the trivia point to his dying breath. When he realized he really was going to lose the argument, he stormed out of the office. I followed him.

A little bit later, one of my other coworkers was interviewing for a manager position. One of the questions they've been asking for this position has been how they would go about resolving conflicts. When John went in there, though, the question was, "What would you do if two of your people were in the men's room when you walked in, one in the stall, one standing outside the stall saying, "OKay, so, we're up to 29. Thumb, Pointer, Middle Finger and Pinkie. Now, we add one, and what do we have?"

"Um... Well, it sounds like he was almost done. I'd wait."
 
We made a video for training sailors.
It's on how to connect a server. Plug in power, plug in Ethernet cables. connect to the appropriate number of computers, now they're tied together for Afloat Ship Training.

So I got to be the demonstrator. My voice wasn't the voiciest, so I didn't read. And I wasn't the first one to call 'Camera!' so I wasn't the camera operator.
Nope. Just point co the PCD. To the cables. To the power plug. Real Vanna White stuff.

For some reason, the only comment we got from the final video is that everyone noticed that my finger is partially amputated.
poin2t.jpg
They think it distracts from the training value of the stupid video on how to connect a sailor-proof power cord and four connections of Ethernet...
So I get to scream about discrimination against the handicapped.
 

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Keith&Co. said:
We made a video for training sailors.
It's on how to connect a server. Plug in power, plug in Ethernet cables. connect to the appropriate number of computers, now they're tied together for Afloat Ship Training.

So I got to be the demonstrator. My voice wasn't the voiciest, so I didn't read. And I wasn't the first one to call 'Camera!' so I wasn't the camera operator.
Nope. Just point co the PCD. To the cables. To the power plug. Real Vanna White stuff.

For some reason, the only comment we got from the final video is that everyone noticed that my finger is partially amputated.
View attachment 11947
They think it distracts from the training value of the stupid video on how to connect a sailor-proof power cord and four connections of Ethernet...
So I get to scream about discrimination against the handicapped.
Click to expand...

Sorry, but your handicaps are serious disqualifications:

1) You are delusional. You think there's such a thing as sailor-proof.

2) The damage to your hand clearly makes you unsuitable--you can't properly flip someone the bird.
 
Loren Pechtel said:
2) The damage to your hand clearly makes you unsuitable--you can't properly flip someone the bird.
Click to expand...
Lucky for me, the other finger is whole. So infact, I have more options than you do.
I can say 'You know what THIS means (left hand), while this (right hand) is the same, but not deep enough to satisfy.'
 
Keith&Co. said:
We made a video for training sailors.
It's on how to connect a server. Plug in power, plug in Ethernet cables. connect to the appropriate number of computers, now they're tied together for Afloat Ship Training.

So I got to be the demonstrator. My voice wasn't the voiciest, so I didn't read. And I wasn't the first one to call 'Camera!' so I wasn't the camera operator.
Nope. Just point co the PCD. To the cables. To the power plug. Real Vanna White stuff.

For some reason, the only comment we got from the final video is that everyone noticed that my finger is partially amputated.
View attachment 11947
They think it distracts from the training value of the stupid video on how to connect a sailor-proof power cord and four connections of Ethernet...
So I get to scream about discrimination against the handicapped.
Click to expand...

Should've written that into the training video. "This is what could happen if you plug the ethernet cable in the wrong port."
 
My wife has a poster. Ringling brothers, Barnum & Bailey. Has a tiger springing in attack.
The sun has faded the poster in it's current position, and the plastic of the frame is smokey.
SO i bought a replacement, intending to get a nicer frame and to find a place to hang it where the sun won't fade it.
But what i SAID was, "I'm going to put this poster in a nice frame and stick it where the sun doesn't shine that didn't come out the way i had intended please don't hurt me."
 
Keith&Co. said:
My wife has a poster. Ringling brothers, Barnum & Bailey. Has a tiger springing in attack.
The sun has faded the poster in it's current position, and the plastic of the frame is smokey.
SO i bought a replacement, intending to get a nicer frame and to find a place to hang it where the sun won't fade it.
But what i SAID was, "I'm going to put this poster in a nice frame and stick it where the sun doesn't shine that didn't come out the way i had intended please don't hurt me."
Click to expand...

:D I've been caught with that one too.... phrase to remember: "away from direct sun".
No more excuses!
 
I popped a fruit muffin in the toaster yesterday morning for Gmbteach's breakfast, pushed the lever down, and the power went out for the entire house.

A sultana had dropped out of the muffin, and was bridging the gap between the heating element and the body of the toaster, which tripped the safety switch (or as I now choose to call it, the residual currant device).

The issue arising before the tea had mashed, much less been consumed, meant that diagnosis took me a long time. The toaster wouldn't toast, and I thought that it was unplugged, and then that it was broken... and then I realised that the fridge light didn't come on when I opened the door.

And after a quick dash to the fuse box to get the power back on, I immediately (albeit unintentionally) recreated the problem by retrying the toasting operation.

It's nice to know that we are well protected against earth leakage.
But it would have been nicer to find out *after* breakfast.

Still, the opportunity for the 'residual currant device' pun was some compensation.

I'm still giggling, twenty four hours later.
 
bilby said:
I popped a fruit muffin in the toaster yesterday morning for Gmbteach's breakfast, pushed the lever down, and the power went out for the entire house.

A sultana had dropped out of the muffin, and was bridging the gap between the heating element and the body of the toaster, which tripped the safety switch (or as I now choose to call it, the residual currant device).

The issue arising before the tea had mashed, much less been consumed, meant that diagnosis took me a long time. The toaster wouldn't toast, and I thought that it was unplugged, and then that it was broken... and then I realised that the fridge light didn't come on when I opened the door.

And after a quick dash to the fuse box to get the power back on, I immediately (albeit unintentionally) recreated the problem by retrying the toasting operation.

It's nice to know that we are well protected against earth leakage.
But it would have been nicer to find out *after* breakfast.

Still, the opportunity for the 'residual currant device' pun was some compensation.

I'm still giggling, twenty four hours later.
Click to expand...

Everything happens for a raisin.
 
When i fly, i wear a t-shirt that says 'I'd rather be teleporting.' It's usually pretty popular, esp. in the security line. Worked well on Sunday, once again.

Yesterday, i touristed in a Cardinal Red shirt that said 'No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.'
Near as i can tell, no one connected it to Monty Python. I got several comments that it was a conversation starter, and one guy thought it was a reference to Mueller's investigation... He just couldn't tell if i was for or against the Democrats' witch hunt.

Today's shirt: Full Time Teacher, Part Time Starfleet Officer. Much more accessible. Tickled the people at the Comic Book Store. Amused one staffer at the Space Needle.
A woman outside the Space Needle was offering personal Bible Study Classes. She informed me that Star Trek didn't have any answers.
I pointed out to HER that's because Star Trek IS the answer. SHeesh. Kids today...
 
Keith&Co. said:
When i fly, i wear a t-shirt that says 'I'd rather be teleporting.' It's usually pretty popular, esp. in the security line. Worked well on Sunday, once again.
Click to expand...

Almost enough to make me wear a t-shirt for travel.
 
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