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Things that make you laugh...

A friend's college-age daughter got pulled over. For the first time in her life, her large and carefully presented cleavage was insufficient to get her out of the ticket. She was stunned and suffered an immediate hit to her self-esteem.
After the cop finished issuing it, he said, "Every night, my wife asks how many cute girls I let off with a warning. If it helps, you're ALMOST worth sleeping on the couch."

Didn't help. Her MOM won't stop laughing, though.
 
Last week, within the space of three days, ants crawled across me, my wife and one of my kids. All while inside our house.
put out about eight zillion ant traps.

Haven't seen any ants since.

last night a spider crawled across my chest...

Son, who thought I was having a heart attack, kept a straight face for a whole twenty minutes, once it was explained. Then he started lecturing on how the spider, suffering a depleted food economy, had to forage farther and farther afield. Not that spiders actually forage, but he's probably putting fliers in little bug windshields, inviting them to come over under the fridge or behind the bookcase...
 
It's take your kids to work day at my office.

Someone's moppet just wandered into my cube and asked how I liked working here.

"Well, I'd been working here for five years when someone told me a coworker died in the break room."
"Really?"
"Yeah, and my only thought was, 'How long have we had a break room?'"
"Uh...."
"Turns out, he died while on break. We don't have a break room."
"Um..."
"That was so disappointing , you know?"
"I think my dad is calling me..."

I probably shouldn't talk to other people's children within 50 hours of surfing the internet...
 
I met my match.
Some aee bothered by my sense of humor, some enjoy it... some, it doesn't even show on their radar...


WEDNESDAY they had Swedish meatballs in the lunchroom. I love those. So i went up to the counter. And the guy asked, "Swedish meatballs?"
"Yes, please," i said, "with extra Swedish."
...silence. DEAD silence. He looked at the meatballs, the gravy, the noodles... then back at me. "What... What are you... asking for?"
"Nothing, just being silly."
"You can have extra anything. If we have it, you can get it."
"No, no, it's alright. Just the special, please"
"We don't mind extras!"
I took my food and shuffled away. I was ubable to handle, not that the joke was lame, or that he didn't laugh, but that he was completely unAWARE that a joke was committed.

Now i eat salads because i can assemble them at the salad bar without making eye contact with the counterguy.
 
Politicians often screw us.

This afternoon, just after we got done doing the horizontal dance a politician came to the door.

Was he just a little late in trying to unscrew us?
 
Keith&Co. said:
I definitely have the right job.

So, I emailed a question for the group: Is it pronounced data or data?

And a follow-up email: How many of you ‘heard’ the word two different ways in your head?

Also: Just reflecting on the fact that read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but lead doesn’t rhyme with read, while read doesn’t rhyme with lead.

Josh replied: Everyone knows it’s pronounced data and yes I heard it both ways. I suppose you think because you’re from Idaho that you can say potato instead of potato as well.

Randy replied: So if I record my record,
and refuse to throw away my refuse,
should I deliberate my deliberate act,
and resume writing my resume.

Christine replied: I hate you all….
Click to expand...

:hysterical:

Tell Christine she has my sympathy
 
Mrs. &co. Took up knitting some years ago, she has advanced to spinning her own threads. Yesterday she took a class, everything short of shearing the actual sheep. Took unwashed wool , cleaned it, carded it, she'll eventually dye it....

I glanced through her bags of wool, all labeled with the source. Thing is, i didn't recognize any of the breeds. Admittedly, sheep herding was a few generations back in my family, but i expected to see ONE that i knew.

Brought it up in conversation. Cobb isn't a breed. Cobb is THE name of THE sheep this fleece came off of. Not to be confused with Newton. Newton's a bit of a rascal, that wool was dirtier than Cobb's, while Princess was almost fastidious...for a sheep.

I can't really understand how the name helps her more than breed. I mean, people admiring a sweater talk about sheep, alpaca, rabbit, or Merino, Shetland, or whatever...

But then i remember the cattlmen on the other side of my family, who used to label the paper wrapped pkgs inthe freezer not by cut, but yhe bame of the cow they butchered to get it. And grandma putting roasts on the tabke, saying dinner was Daisy...
 
Keith&Co. said:
Mrs. &co. Took up knitting some years ago, she has advanced to spinning her own threads. Yesterday she took a class, everything short of shearing the actual sheep. Took unwashed wool , cleaned it, carded it, she'll eventually dye it....

I glanced through her bags of wool, all labeled with the source. Thing is, i didn't recognize any of the breeds. Admittedly, sheep herding was a few generations back in my family, but i expected to see ONE that i knew.

Brought it up in conversation. Cobb isn't a breed. Cobb is THE name of THE sheep this fleece came off of. Not to be confused with Newton. Newton's a bit of a rascal, that wool was dirtier than Cobb's, while Princess was almost fastidious...for a sheep.

I can't really understand how the name helps her more than breed. I mean, people admiring a sweater talk about sheep, alpaca, rabbit, or Merino, Shetland, or whatever...

But then i remember the cattlmen on the other side of my family, who used to label the paper wrapped pkgs inthe freezer not by cut, but yhe bame of the cow they butchered to get it. And grandma putting roasts on the tabke, saying dinner was Daisy...
Click to expand...

Y'know, if I were you I"d cut Mrs &co some slack.

A couple of parsecs of slack....
 
Keith&Co. said:
Mrs. &co. Took up knitting some years ago, she has advanced to spinning her own threads. Yesterday she took a class, everything short of shearing the actual sheep. Took unwashed wool , cleaned it, carded it, she'll eventually dye it....

I glanced through her bags of wool, all labeled with the source. Thing is, i didn't recognize any of the breeds. Admittedly, sheep herding was a few generations back in my family, but i expected to see ONE that i knew.

Brought it up in conversation. Cobb isn't a breed. Cobb is THE name of THE sheep this fleece came off of. Not to be confused with Newton. Newton's a bit of a rascal, that wool was dirtier than Cobb's, while Princess was almost fastidious...for a sheep.

I can't really understand how the name helps her more than breed. I mean, people admiring a sweater talk about sheep, alpaca, rabbit, or Merino, Shetland, or whatever...

But then i remember the cattlmen on the other side of my family, who used to label the paper wrapped pkgs inthe freezer not by cut, but yhe bame of the cow they butchered to get it. And grandma putting roasts on the tabke, saying dinner was Daisy...
Click to expand...

Well, getting to know the name and lifestyle of the animal is all the rage now. Are you familiar with Portlandia?

[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G__PVLB8Nm4[/YOUTUBE]
 
My wife told me about a TV clip she saw. A woman was saying that they should make toys that only work when children whisper. And if they make more than a certain amount of noise, the toy bursts into flame....

I pointed out two flaws with that idea. For one, you really WANT the kid to play with whisper-encouraging toys. So no matter what, either the flames can be reset, or the parents will replace the toy.
Sure, MY parents would have been in no hurry. I mean, assuming it was a fun toy, and I wanted to play with it again, part of the reinforcement would have been to spend a few days reminding me it was MY fault I didn't have the toy.


The other problem... at the appropriate age, if I'd known that WHISPER makes it operate, TALK makes it lock up, YELL makes it flame... how much noise would I have to generate in a single event to make it fucking explode?
 
thebeave said:
Well, getting to know the name and lifestyle of the animal is all the rage now. Are you familiar with Portlandia?
Click to expand...
No, I'm not.
But, you know, I can see maybe a scrapbook with pictures of a young Cobb, Cobb's first shearing, Cobb's first date, Cobb and Newton on the rollercoaster, Cobb and Newton sitting in detention, Cobb eating a sock made from her woll...
But sorting the wool by individual strikes me about as useful as if I sorted my Lego pieces, not by set or size or function, but by the store they came from...
 
Keith&Co. said:
thebeave said:
Well, getting to know the name and lifestyle of the animal is all the rage now. Are you familiar with Portlandia?
Click to expand...
No, I'm not.
But, you know, I can see maybe a scrapbook with pictures of a young Cobb, Cobb's first shearing, Cobb's first date, Cobb and Newton on the rollercoaster, Cobb and Newton sitting in detention, Cobb eating a sock made from her woll...
But sorting the wool by individual strikes me about as useful as if I sorted my Lego pieces, not by set or size or function, but by the store they came from...
Click to expand...

You should sort your new underwear by who inspected it. That is, Inspected by #26 goes on the left, #97 in the middle and #342 on the right in your dresser drawer. Make up life stories about the inspectors and share them with your wife. It probably wouldn't go over well, though.
 
thebeave said:
Keith&Co. said:
thebeave said:
Well, getting to know the name and lifestyle of the animal is all the rage now. Are you familiar with Portlandia?
Click to expand...
No, I'm not.
But, you know, I can see maybe a scrapbook with pictures of a young Cobb, Cobb's first shearing, Cobb's first date, Cobb and Newton on the rollercoaster, Cobb and Newton sitting in detention, Cobb eating a sock made from her woll...
But sorting the wool by individual strikes me about as useful as if I sorted my Lego pieces, not by set or size or function, but by the store they came from...
Click to expand...

You should sort your new underwear by who inspected it. That is, Inspected by #26 goes on the left, #97 in the middle and #342 on the right in your dresser drawer. Make up life stories about the inspectors and share them with your wife. It probably wouldn't go over well, though.
Click to expand...

Wait, Americans have officially inspected underwear??

WTF?
 
When the submarine goes to see, that's a 'deployment.'
Boomer subs have two crews, so one stays in port while the other deploys.
This is the PREdeployment period, as they train, school, paperwork and otherwise prepared for the upcoming deployment.

It's always pronounced predeployment, though sometimes it's written PREDEP.

A manager in another unit is briefing us on a software installation that the crews need to be trained for before it's active. He's just referred to the Predeployment period as the Pre-Nup about thirty times. "During the Prenup phase, they'll learn..."

Probably shouldn't ask him how his home life is going right now, I' guessing.
 
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