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Things that make you laugh...

We've got new logging software at work, we're developing training for the sailors that will use it.

OUR computers are unclassified, the sailors will be working with stuff up to SECRET.

So for training, our software guy gave each entry three options.
TEST SECRET, which is really unclassified, but we're pretending for the purpose of training.
TEST CONFIDENTIAL, which is really unclassified but etc.
And...
TEST UNCLASSIFIED. Which is really, you know, unclassified. It's all unclassified. I keep asking him why we didn't just call it, you know, UNCLASSIFIED. Because it's not like anyone's going to get confused or paranoid if they happen to come across an UNCLASSIFIED log entry on their laptop.

I'm all for TEST SECRET and TEST CONF, you know. Don't want to have too many confusing accusations from IT about how I classified the network and twenty machines need to be scrubbed....again, and no one will open my emails for the next six to eight months out of a fear they'll lose their computers. Makes sense. We're still going to have paranoid reactions, but this way only once per person. And MAYBE some, those that aren't on the manager track, might be able to figure it out for themselves BEFORE they cry havoc and let slip the dogs of IT.

But TEST UNCLASS seems...unnecessarily complicated, you know?
But when I bring it up with the programmer:
"Look, no one's going to bitch about 'TEST UNCLASS,' okay?" he assures me.
"Tim? I JUST DID." I point out.
"Oh." He sagged, visibly, like an animal taking a bullet.
 
My fiancee is an early childhood educator and has a Spotify playlist made up of kids songs that she'll play during the day.

Sometimes I listen to it for the hell of it, and today out of nowhere a Van Halen song came on.

Got a good laugh out of that.
 
So anyway... we (the men) get this email at work from our office management.


The constant urine on the floor in front of the urinal in the men’s restroom is disgusting. If you can’t keep it in the urinal, please use the toilet.



It is true... the urinal is a bit low... like below the floor low... and some people just can't manage it. Hard to tell if an employee just went or a race horse.

The funny thing is, after reading this email... all I can think of is... what would Keith&Co. reply or do (and that this would be something that you'd expect from a Keith&Co. place of employment). While I certainly have a sarcastic streak... nothing came to mind... that I was willing to put out there at least. There is a small floor drain right near it, so the obvious response was... "Oh... we are supposed to be aiming for the urinal​."

ETA: I actually just figured it out. Need to get a small piece of plastic label that looks like a target, place it on the floor by the urinal, with the words "Do not pee on this".
 
Jimmy Higgins said:
So anyway... we (the men) get this email at work from our office management.


The constant urine on the floor in front of the urinal in the men’s restroom is disgusting. If you can’t keep it in the urinal, please use the toilet.



It is true... the urinal is a bit low... like below the floor low... and some people just can't manage it. Hard to tell if an employee just went or a race horse.

The funny thing is, after reading this email... all I can think of is... what would Keith&Co. reply or do (and that this would be something that you'd expect from a Keith&Co. place of employment). While I certainly have a sarcastic streak... nothing came to mind... that I was willing to put out there at least. There is a small floor drain right near it, so the obvious response was... "Oh... we are supposed to be aiming for the urinal​."

ETA: I actually just figured it out. Need to get a small piece of plastic label that looks like a target, place it on the floor by the urinal, with the words "Do not pee on this".
Click to expand...


When I first started reading this I hadn't looked at the poster, so I was thinking "this has gotta be just another exploit from a sub posted by Keith&Co and then I read on to see it was from somebody else who was thinking what would Keith&Co say about this, and haha. Inception.
 
Keith&Co. said:
We've got new logging software at work, we're developing training for the sailors that will use it.

OUR computers are unclassified, the sailors will be working with stuff up to SECRET.

So for training, our software guy gave each entry three options.
TEST SECRET, which is really unclassified, but we're pretending for the purpose of training.
TEST CONFIDENTIAL, which is really unclassified but etc.
And...
TEST UNCLASSIFIED. Which is really, you know, unclassified. It's all unclassified. I keep asking him why we didn't just call it, you know, UNCLASSIFIED. Because it's not like anyone's going to get confused or paranoid if they happen to come across an UNCLASSIFIED log entry on their laptop.

I'm all for TEST SECRET and TEST CONF, you know. Don't want to have too many confusing accusations from IT about how I classified the network and twenty machines need to be scrubbed....again, and no one will open my emails for the next six to eight months out of a fear they'll lose their computers. Makes sense. We're still going to have paranoid reactions, but this way only once per person. And MAYBE some, those that aren't on the manager track, might be able to figure it out for themselves BEFORE they cry havoc and let slip the dogs of IT.

But TEST UNCLASS seems...unnecessarily complicated, you know?
But when I bring it up with the programmer:
"Look, no one's going to bitch about 'TEST UNCLASS,' okay?" he assures me.
"Tim? I JUST DID." I point out.
"Oh." He sagged, visibly, like an animal taking a bullet.
Click to expand...

My father was a career Air Force officer, and I spent a lot of my childhood at the family dinner table listening to my father rant and rave about the military declaring things classified that had no business being classified at all. (He quite properly never mentioned what the specific pieces of information were, but he spent a lot of time declaring that they didn't need to be classified.)

I can only imagine the vein-bulging conniption something like this would have caused him.
 
I learned basically two things about the US military from dinner table discussions:

  • The military constantly declares things classified that shouldn't be
  • The CIA is a [bad word] cult

Now that he's retired, he no longer mentions anything about classified material because he is no longer privy to what is being classified, but he still yells "The CIA is a cult" at the TV fairly frequently.
 
Jimmy Higgins said:
So anyway... we (the men) get this email at work from our office management.


The constant urine on the floor in front of the urinal in the men’s restroom is disgusting. If you can’t keep it in the urinal, please use the toilet.



It is true... the urinal is a bit low... like below the floor low... and some people just can't manage it. Hard to tell if an employee just went or a race horse.

The funny thing is, after reading this email... all I can think of is... what would Keith&Co. reply or do (and that this would be something that you'd expect from a Keith&Co. place of employment). While I certainly have a sarcastic streak... nothing came to mind... that I was willing to put out there at least. There is a small floor drain right near it, so the obvious response was... "Oh... we are supposed to be aiming for the urinal​."

ETA: I actually just figured it out. Need to get a small piece of plastic label that looks like a target, place it on the floor by the urinal, with the words "Do not pee on this".
Click to expand...
So other ideas have come to mind.

1) Using masking tape, draw out one end of a basketball court, including a free throw and 3-pt line. Put up a sign, "Go for three when you pee." Obviously it wouldn't be a one to one scale.

2) Put a sign on the stall door reading "Peeing for Beginners".

3) Bathrooms are known for limericks

There once was a man from Baltimore
When he pee'd it splattered onto the floor
He apparently didn't try to do better
as the floor just kept on getting wetter
now we're standing in an inch of urine, maybe more
 
Had the cataract surgery two months ago.
My eyesight in that eye has improved to the point that I no longer need glasses to drive. legally and everything.

I still need them to read signs and things, but spend most of the day with the glasses on my desk.

Walking past a coworker's cube, someone from outside the unit commented, "Hey! Keith isn't wearing glasses? He always wears glasses."
Coworker: Yeah, he stopped a week ago.
worker: Why?
Coworker: This is Keith. He's got long stories about needles in his eyes and bleeding and lasers and stuff. I'm afraid to ask because he will tell me what happened.... In great detail.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Had the cataract surgery two months ago.
My eyesight in that eye has improved to the point that I no longer need glasses to drive. legally and everything.

I still need them to read signs and things, but spend most of the day with the glasses on my desk.

Walking past a coworker's cube, someone from outside the unit commented, "Hey! Keith isn't wearing glasses? He always wears glasses."
Coworker: Yeah, he stopped a week ago.
worker: Why?
Coworker: This is Keith. He's got long stories about needles in his eyes and bleeding and lasers and stuff. I'm afraid to ask because he will tell me what happened.... In great detail.
Click to expand...

Heh, now I almost want to hear "Cataract surgery as told by Keith&Co."
 
Jimmy Higgins said:
Jimmy Higgins said:
So anyway... we (the men) get this email at work from our office management.


The constant urine on the floor in front of the urinal in the men’s restroom is disgusting. If you can’t keep it in the urinal, please use the toilet.



It is true... the urinal is a bit low... like below the floor low... and some people just can't manage it. Hard to tell if an employee just went or a race horse.

The funny thing is, after reading this email... all I can think of is... what would Keith&Co. reply or do (and that this would be something that you'd expect from a Keith&Co. place of employment). While I certainly have a sarcastic streak... nothing came to mind... that I was willing to put out there at least. There is a small floor drain right near it, so the obvious response was... "Oh... we are supposed to be aiming for the urinal​."

ETA: I actually just figured it out. Need to get a small piece of plastic label that looks like a target, place it on the floor by the urinal, with the words "Do not pee on this".
Click to expand...
So other ideas have come to mind.

1) Using masking tape, draw out one end of a basketball court, including a free throw and 3-pt line. Put up a sign, "Go for three when you pee." Obviously it wouldn't be a one to one scale.

2) Put a sign on the stall door reading "Peeing for Beginners".

3) Bathrooms are known for limericks

There once was a man from Baltimore
When he pee'd it splattered onto the floor
He apparently didn't try to do better
as the floor just kept on getting wetter
now we're standing in an inch of urine, maybe more
Click to expand...

Yeeesh, lemme clean that one up, if I may: ?


There once was a man from Lakeshore,
when he pissed it sprayed onto the floor.
He could've done better,
but now we're all wetter
in that inch of his piss (maybe more!).


Meter, roughly:

dah DUM dah dah DUM dah DUM DUM,
dah dah DUM dah DUM DUM dah dah DUM
dah DUM dah dah DUM dah,
dah DUM dah dah Dum dah
dah dah Dum dah dah DUM, DUM dah DUM.

 
Commando [these boys don't need a house - Seinfeld reference]
Spicy Pork Rinds & Skippy Extra-Chunky Peanut Butter (Yes, together)

It's remarkable I'm still alive, ain't it?
 
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