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Things that make you laugh...

Made a sign for my wife's classroom. Not too much use this year, but she wants to get off on the right foot next year.

Grading Submitted Work
Due to increased requirements for documenting teacher certification and evaluation, I will be unable to devote significant amounts of time to grading your class and homework assignments

Assignments submitted on or before the due date will receive my full attention

Assignments submitted within two weeks of an excused absence will be treated as ‘on time’ submissions

Assignments submitted after the authorized grace period will be graded by my student teacher, Ms. Waite

Give all due respect to Ms. Waite, as she is not the person who assigns work, nor writes the tests, rather she merely grades your work for completion and matching my expecations

So, late submissions lacking an excused absence, or submitted three or more weeks after an excused absence, can go to Helen Waite.
 
Triple Crown winner Justify has just turned down an invitation to the White House. Asked why, the triple crown winner said... "If I wanted to see a horse's ass, I would have finished second."
 
A big misconception of Submarine Launched Ballistic Missiles is that they 'light off' in the tube. If the missile rocket motor were to fire off while still on board, it would melt the tube and light off the rockets of other missiles. Pretty much melts the submarine.

So the solution is to put a small rocket motor on the side of the tube that pushes the missile up out of the sub and completely out of the water. It lights off once it's clear of ocean.

When a boat's being built and after certain events, they perform a 'sabot' launch. They fill the missile tube with water and light off the ejector. There's this tremendous burst of water that inundates topside, the brow, the pier, inobservant bystanders...

Being the friendly and supportive bunch that missile techs are, we always try to send the junior personnel topside. "They need a working party ready to recover the sabot assembly, in case we need to reinstall it and do the test over again."

Last time I was involved in one, a junior officer heard us directing the seaman to go topside. Said, "Hey, I've never seen them install a sabot."
(Yes, you have, sir, you walked past the guys with the firehose dumping water into the tubes for two fucking days. That's how they load the 'sabot assembly.')

He came back down wetter than the tube...


sabot.png
 
A while back, had to take a short 'continuing education' course on how my company supports Strat Weps. Test afterwards.

My manager got me up in front of the group to comment about how I got a 98/100 on the test. So how about a little recognition for the unit's performance and my HIGH performance. A round of golf claps.

Then someone asked, "Wait, didn't Keith WRITE that course?"
"And the test!" I replied.
"So that means, getting two questions wrong, two of YOUR OWN QUESTIONS wrong... Doesn't that actually make you a moron?"
"I hang my head in shame," I said with a smile. Manager snapped, "Siddown!"
 
A while back, had to take a short 'continuing education' course on how my company supports Strat Weps. Test afterwards.

My manager got me up in front of the group to comment about how I got a 98/100 on the test. So how about a little recognition for the unit's performance and my HIGH performance. A round of golf claps.

Then someone asked, "Wait, didn't Keith WRITE that course?"
"And the test!" I replied.
"So that means, getting two questions wrong, two of YOUR OWN QUESTIONS wrong... Doesn't that actually make you a moron?"
"I hang my head in shame," I said with a smile. Manager snapped, "Siddown!"

Ha! Jokes on your manager!
 
So, there's a power transformer behind the supermarket we frequent that decided to end its participation in the pageantry that is shopping and the preservation of certain foods.
Blew up with a nice sort of 'thump,' they say. Pretty sparks, one would presume.

Lights out. Fridges down. All cash registers down. Employees of many departments frantically moving things from the kinda-refrigerated sections to the big insulated fridges in back.

Wife leaves her cart and goes out in the parking lot. At that point, she wasn't sure if this was a permanent problem or blown fuse sort of false alarm. Until the third fire truck showed up... At that point, she was kinda parked in, so had to wait it out and people-watch.

So three emergency vehicles, with lights flashing, parked in front of a store with NO LIGHTS on inside. Firemen going in and out, crowds in the lot...

And people are driving up to park and walk into the store.

And they GET UPSET that they're not allowed to go inside the building that might be on fire, and is dark, and has no checkout lanes open.
She counted SEVEN people who insisted that they be allowed inside, starting their objection with 'I only need...'

Who CARES what you need, idiot? Or how short the list is? The store lacks the facilities to sell you a pack of gum right now. It's not something they chose to do to inconvenience YOU. That's just a happy coincidence.

People are scum...
 
So, there's a power transformer behind the supermarket we frequent that decided to end its participation in the pageantry that is shopping and the preservation of certain foods.
Blew up with a nice sort of 'thump,' they say. Pretty sparks, one would presume.

Lights out. Fridges down. All cash registers down. Employees of many departments frantically moving things from the kinda-refrigerated sections to the big insulated fridges in back.

Wife leaves her cart and goes out in the parking lot. At that point, she wasn't sure if this was a permanent problem or blown fuse sort of false alarm. Until the third fire truck showed up... At that point, she was kinda parked in, so had to wait it out and people-watch.

So three emergency vehicles, with lights flashing, parked in front of a store with NO LIGHTS on inside. Firemen going in and out, crowds in the lot...

And people are driving up to park and walk into the store.

And they GET UPSET that they're not allowed to go inside the building that might be on fire, and is dark, and has no checkout lanes open.
She counted SEVEN people who insisted that they be allowed inside, starting their objection with 'I only need...'

Who CARES what you need, idiot? Or how short the list is? The store lacks the facilities to sell you a pack of gum right now. It's not something they chose to do to inconvenience YOU. That's just a happy coincidence.

People are scum...

This one of those cases where entitlement gets super crazy, and should be used as a teaching tool to all kids, who prolly know better anyway cuz the small ones I know wouldn't have bothered to try and go in, or ask questions, except if they can help run the lights or hoses, instead of being stupid douchenozzles and getting pissed off that the world literally stopped working for them right when they needed it to.
 
I DO know a guy who used to do this EXACT joke.

In 1978.

Of course, back then it was more absurdism than an acuity evaluation...

Back in the day when answering machines first became prevalent, I used to leave really weird messages on friends' answering machines.

"Hey, do you know the length of the average human digestive system? I'm trying to calculate average spaghetti velocity." *click*
 
My manager's manager is leaving the unit to work on a whole new program elsewhere in the company. His last name is Brecht. He's been in charge of Training, Documentation, Production, Security, Training Support and a couple other units.

I commented that this is perhaps the only Brecht-xit that all the factions are in favor of.

FOUR PEOPLE had to make sure Brecht heard, and knew it was my line...
All in good fun, but GOD he hates puns.


So since he's bailing on us, we got a bailing bucket and everyone signed it. So he could bail, on us.

He still hates puns...
 
I asked a right wing authoritarian follower who claimed that Obama put kids in cages in 2014 why she didn't speak out about it at that time, and she said, "Jesus tried, but the liberals of his time had Him executed for His efforts....nice try, though." That's a copy and paste, not my typing it.
 
I asked a right wing authoritarian follower who claimed that Obama put kids in cages in 2014 why she didn't speak out about it at that time, and she said, "Jesus tried, but the liberals of his time had Him executed for His efforts....nice try, though." That's a copy and paste, not my typing it.

Sooo, she didn't speak out because she was worried that the Roman Imperial Authority might have her crucified as a troublemaker? Or because she didn't want to steal Christ's ideas? Or because speaking out against injustice is reserved for the incarnations of gods? (Does she realize that this makes you godlike in your actions)?

That's the dumbest non-excuse for apathy I think I have ever heard.
 
Coworker shared a story with the unit.

http://www.kfvs12.com/story/37891336/paducah-ky-man-accused-of-lewd-act-with-toothbrush


a man broke into a home, filmed himself performing 'a lewd act' with a toothbrush, then days later sent the video to the victim. He was arrested "and taken to the McCracken County Jail.

I replied that I now wanted to wave a tootbrush and shout, "Release The McCracken!"

I don't know why. There's probably something wrong with me.

Many thought that was funny. But then I found the travel toothbrush I keep in my desk...

My manager is THIS close to killing me. I'm just lucky she was drinking water. if she'd shot hot coffee out of her nose, I'd be a dead man.
 
Colbert on Melania's comments on reuniting migrant families as quickly as possible: "Ma'am, I know how you can help unfortunately involves speaking to your husband, but desperate times call for desperate measures."
 
:lol: :rotfl:

Hamdog is still making the rounds on social media. It never gets old and it's even funnier now because facebook blurs the image and tags it as offensive or violent. :rotfl:

ham-dog-facebook.jpg

dog_lunchmeat_fb.png
 
I DO know a guy who used to do this EXACT joke.

In 1978.

Of course, back then it was more absurdism than an acuity evaluation...

Back in the day when answering machines first became prevalent, I used to leave really weird messages on friends' answering machines.

"Hey, do you know the length of the average human digestive system? I'm trying to calculate average spaghetti velocity." *click*

I remember the time my father rang me to ask what my phone number was!
 
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