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Things that make you laugh...

So, we appear to have gone feral.
The supervisor was out of the office for three months. She's back, and has noticed a few habits that have appeared while we were without adult supervision or a feminine presence. One being that we add a 'your mom' joke to everything.

Someone could say 'the café is open' and someone else might say 'your mom is open' or just as likely, 'your mom is a café.' Everyone does it. Nothing vindictive is meant, it's just a habit.
Your mom is a shut up.
Your mom is the manager.
Your mom is standing right outside the door.
Your mom is tired of this shit.

So after at least a month of this, one night when I was home, the kid saw something on TV and said, "that's stupid.' Instantly, I replied, "your mom is stupid my god don't tell her I said that." So, now my youngest's allowance is $20 a day...

Everyone in my office has repeated this anecdote to their significant other. Even I, eventually, though I couched it more as 'and this thought entered my head' rather than 'and then out of my mouth came...'

MY wife thought it was funny. No one else's wife did.

Another of my coworkers, a few days later, fed garlic bread to his toddler. His wife went to change the kid's diapers and complained, "MY GOD, that stinks!" he instantly replied, "your mom stinks."

She was even less amused than about my story...
 
Morons!
You buy them clothes, send them to school, you buy them books and they eat the covers!

I have gliding eyeballs. Plastic spheres up upstaring orbs. A guy at my company visits our office and decides that there must be something he can do with this to prank to women in the next cube who constantly annoy him.

So, I suggest that he put one of the eyes in his hand, sneeze loudly, roll the eyeball across to their cubes, and start to wonder aloud where his glass eyeball went. Or, moan in pain and say 'I'm blind in (left?) eye!"

Too complicated. He threw the eyeball, THEN said, in alarm, "My eyeball!" THEN sneezed. Not quite the same impact. One girl calmly grabbed it with a Kleenex and handed it back... asked, "Do you need me to wipe it off?"
 
Today I remembered a church sermon in which the pastor said someone was "on a greased pole to hell." I was too young to notice the unintentional innuendo, but it sure does entertain me now to think of it. Religious sexual repression ftw!
 
Someone posted in one of my crochet groups on facebook a picture of a dishcloth she made with "Fuck Shit Up" on it. Her comment really cracked me up: "My 4 year old son asked me if this dishcloth had his name on it. I said yes."
 
Angry Floof said:
Someone posted in one of my crochet groups on facebook a picture of a dishcloth she made with "Fuck Shit Up" on it. Her comment really cracked me up: "My 4 year old son asked me if this dishcloth had his name on it. I said yes."
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Now that's just mean.

And I must be mean because I snorted in amusement.
 
Okay, this one's not my goddamned fault.
I mentioned before, when my manager is out, people walk past all our desks to see her, even if we all say 'she's out!', they still have to look into her office to see.

SOMEONE suggested an explanation.
Keith&Co. said:
Can't understand why they don't turn around when told 'she's out.' Does it not COUNT if you don't see her desk or something?
James Brown said:
What do most people do when they pass a "Wet Paint" sign?
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So, this just happened to be in my head when someone walked through the door. He pointed to the back office.
"Christine in?"
"No," I said, "she's still wet."

He paused. I mean, dead stop, skid marks on the carpet. Didn't check her office. Turned and ran.

I hope I don't hear from HR today. It's my birthday this week, and I was really trying to make it through to Friday without drama....
 
So, i get to Taco Bell, order dinner, fill my drink, then wait for my food to show up. The woman before me gets a call. She answers it. The ENTIRE conversation consisted of:
"Hey. Nothing. Just getting tacos for dinner. I said, getting tacos for dinner. TACOS! I'M BUYING TACOS FOR DINNER!" She ends the call, Stomps to the parking lot door. Leans out and yells at the car parked right by the front door to Taco Bell. "I SAID I'M BUYING TACOS FOR DINNER YOU DEAF IDIOT!"
Stomps back inside as i hear the guy behind the counter say, "Let's hurry up Mary's order, okay?"
 
Someone shot a rubber band across the office, it hit T's oscillating fan. Made it inside the protective cage, then rattled around inside for three orbits. Thwib-Thwib-Thwib-Thwib-Thwib-Thwib-Thwib.

So, of course, everyone in the office stands up and spends 10 minutes shooting rubber bands into the fan. Most bouncing off the cage, some making it inside (Thwib-Thwib-etc), a couple getting stuck between the wires in odd configurations. Boss' boss comes by just as someone shoots one that wedges in two places, someone else admires it with 'Ooooh, double points!'

"Are you guys seriously shooting rubber bands at A FAN?!"

"Well, HR gets upset when we shoot them at people..." I said. He nodded, accepting this logic, and departed.
 
Wife - Dear, you look terrible! Did something happen?

Husband - Yeah, we were playing a round of golf when Harry had a heart attack and died on the tenth hole.

Wife - Oh no! That must have been awful.

Husband - Pretty bad. For the rest of the round it was hit the ball, carry Harry, hit the ball, carry Harry ...
 
New York, NY (AP) - A six-year-old boy was at the center of a NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him just like his parents and he refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New York Giants, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
 
ZiprHead said:
New York, NY (AP) - A six-year-old boy was at the center of a NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him just like his parents and he refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New York Giants, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Giving the Cleveland Browns the day off?
 
Someone in my fiber arts group found a fun way to help her little girl remember the steps in knitting. "Stab it, strangle it, rip out its guts, and throw it off the cliff" is how she taught her to remember to insert needle, yarn over, pull through underneath, and drop it off the needle. :D
 
So... When you go to park? And the parking place in front of your parking place is open? So you can just pull all the way through, and when you leave the store later, you don't have to back out?

One of my coworkers thinks that situation is referred to as a glory hole.

WHich she revealed to us by announcing, "Oh this was cool! I found a glory hole on my way to work this morning, when i stopped for coffee!" Utter silence and fear pervades the office. "What?"

"Um... I dunno," I finally reply. "How, uh, how was your... coffee?" Everyone else burst out laughing. She didn't get the joke.

She had to, no shit, draw us a picture on the whiteboard. "And that's a glory hole!"

No, sweety. No, it's not.
 
Keith&Co. said:
So... When you go to park? And the parking place in front of your parking place is open? So you can just pull all the way through, and when you leave the store later, you don't have to back out?

One of my coworkers thinks that situation is referred to as a glory hole.

WHich she revealed to us by announcing, "Oh this was cool! I found a glory hole on my way to work this morning, when i stopped for coffee!" Utter silence and fear pervades the office. "What?"

"Um... I dunno," I finally reply. "How, uh, how was your... coffee?" Everyone else burst out laughing. She didn't get the joke.

She had to, no shit, draw us a picture on the whiteboard. "And that's a glory hole!"

No, sweety. No, it's not.
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Did you explain? If so, what was her reaction?
 
ZiprHead said:
Did you explain?
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God, no! Ruin her innocence AND get to talk to HR? My nope muscle was so tight i had cramps.

We did suggest that she STOP USING THAT TERM, so i expect she googled. God, i hope she googled on her phone, not on the company internet connection...
 
So, i'm taking my medication this evening. Got my little pill organizer and open the SUN pm container as scheduled...81Er9CvVc0L._SX522_.jpg

...and i realize, after you turn 40, your advent calendars really start to suck.
 
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