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Things that make you laugh...

Keith&Co. said:
I kinda remember that yesterday was billpay day.
I paid about 14 bills.

Going through my checkbook this evening, i see on the carbonless copies that i wrote the name of the vendor, the money amount, and then signed my signature on the line where i typically write out the long-form of the money paid. I can't quite see what i wrote on the line for the authorized signature, but there are signs it was the monetary amount of the check. I transposed signature and long-form on every one of the checks.

Muscle relaxants are good shit, dog.

I guess now i wait to see who sends them back, the vendors or the bank.

On the bright side, i have plenty of stamps. WAY too many stamps after mailing 14 bills. I'm hoping i tried to mail the bills with Easter Seals, so the post office will return them. They always give me that 'look' when I screw up the stamps or the addresses or something, like 'god what sort of idiot can't master a fucking self-adhesive stamp.' Which is fine. I'm okay with that, if it means i don't bounce 14 checks. I will thank them politely for calling me a moron.
Click to expand...

Auto-pay is so much simpler. Also, look at what your bank charges for bill-pay, it very well might be cheaper than the stamps.
 
hylidae said:
o_O wut r checks?
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Checks are apparently 'props' used for the amusement of my wife.
Turns out that the next morning, she noticed my stack of bills. She didn't at first notice that i 'stamped' them with seals from the St. Jude's Hopsital Charity. But she did notice the return ddress.
We have a rubber stamp for the return address. I appear to have stamped about a third of the envelopes upside down. I circled each word carefully and drew meticulous lines to where those words SHOULD have been on the lines. That's when she noticed the Charity stickers.
And took it upon herself to open one check.

And she rewrote all the checks, sealed the envelopes, used her stamps and mailed everything off.

And now i owe her exactly 1500 dollars and 12 cents.

and she gave me that 'you're SUCH a moron' look.
 
My coworker hates spiders.
She let this be known to her coworkers, that loving group of team members that share one another's heartache and goals and life lessons.

So of course, she found thirty little plastic spiders in her hat, under books, in her drawer.

Someone replaced her mouse with a soft and squooshy spider that was about the right size, on her under-desk keyboard shelf. She grabbed it, squeezed it, wiggled it around, finally lifted it out into the light to see what it was. A piercing scream that shattered ears.

I thought they were all amateurs.

I own a little spider on a friction motor chassis. I wound it up, and wound it up and wound it up, and pinched the tires and squeezed it into a manila envelope. She picked it up JUST as someone called her name, so the spider ran out and across her desk and she never saw it.
Damn.

I put the spider back and put the envelope on a shelf in documentation. NO one's cleaned off that shelf in the last two years. So there's an envelope with Bianca's name on the top of the back next to the ventilation, where dust settles.
She's volunteered onto a team to remove all the extraneous trash from the library. Books for systems that no longer exist or books that have been converted to electronic formats, that sort of thing.

Being the shortest person on the team, they make her get the stuff off of the top shelf, of course. She gets an envelope, blows off the dust, opens it up... And my spider runs out, crosses her hand and makes it up to her elbow before she flinches the think over the partition into Tom's office. Meanwhile, she's screaming and jumped up on the desk and jumped OVER the partition going in the opposite direction.

Ohmigod, I still can't breathe....
 
what my manager meant to ask my supervisor was, 'The manager of Logistics, Guy Smith, has a few documentation tasks that he's requested our department to help with. I am unsure if you or Tom's division are the one with cognizance for completing Guy's tasks...?'

What he did, though, was more shorthand. He stepped into Christine's office and asked, "Do you do Guy's?"
She stared at him for a second.... "As opposed to....?"
 
Well... my mother in law passed away last week. And good riddance! (I would ordinarily never say that!) She was 94, and NOT a good person.
She had been sick for a long time, and my wife - of whom her mother was always jealous and who was treated horribly as a child - and I had been discussing what we'd do when she died.

Wife: "We should have her cremated, and spread the ashes in the ocean that she spent so much of her life staring at." (She had a house right on the Avalon inlet on the Jersey Shore)

Me: "We should just throw her off the jetty."

Wife: "Yeah"

Me: "THEN we should have her cremated."
 
So, there are a number of jokes posted on my boss' door. Some insider jokes, demotivational posters, football jokes. I add a few now and then.
These days, his cry of 'Aw, who put THIS up!?!' is about as amusing as calculating how many times he's walked past the joke before noticing it.

He's on a diet, and his secretary is acting as his trainer. She vetoes his plans for lunch or soda or candy... He whines and complains, but also complies.

So i found a picture of Evil Spock, the scene where he says 'Terror must be maintained or the Empire is doomed.' I changed it: Terror must be maintained or the diet will fail.' Put that on his door.

Two days later he moaned about how unfair it was. Then he wanted to know who put it up there.
The Secretary said, "The designated jokester in the unit."
"Attentionwhore?" he guessed, naming a rather extroverted individual in Training and Documentation.
"No," she said. "The FUNNY one."
"Keith? Good one, Keith... you rat bastard."

Well, it's nice to be recognized...
 
So, we've got three sons. They've all been through the phase where they decide they're going to do or say something to 'shock' the old people.

The Valentine's Day thread reminded me of one boy's attempt. He and his girlfriend at the time had advanced to 'French' Kissing. I was supposed to be shocked at this sign of his maturity, i guess.
I looked him right in the eye. "You know I took your mother's virginity, right?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

So, that's a point for me.

The wife waited two days. In the middle of a quiet moment, turns to son and says, "Well, fair's only fair."
"What?" he asked, lost by the non sequitur.
"I took your father's virginity at the same time."
"Oh, GOD, MOM!"

Game, set, match to the Mrs.
 
Keith&Co. said:
So, we've got three sons. They've all been through the phase where they decide they're going to do or say something to 'shock' the old people.

The Valentine's Day thread reminded me of one boy's attempt. He and his girlfriend at the time had advanced to 'French' Kissing. I was supposed to be shocked at this sign of his maturity, i guess.
I looked him right in the eye. "You know I took your mother's virginity, right?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

So, that's a point for me.

The wife waited two days. In the middle of a quiet moment, turns to son and says, "Well, fair's only fair."
"What?" he asked, lost by the non sequitur.
"I took your father's virginity at the same time."
"Oh, GOD, MOM!"

Game, set, match to the Mrs.
Click to expand...

I've never understood what's supposed to be offensive about one's parents having sex.
 
I thought this was rather funny. Squarespace is a sponsor of the You Are Not So Smart podcast. The podcast's promo code for a discount at Squarespace is "LESS DUMB." hehe
 
Had my doctor's appt today, catching up on my blood pressure and diabetes.

Out of left field, she asks if it's been ten years since my last colonoscopy.

Wel, honestly, no, it has not been ten years since my last colonoscopy.

her eyes swung on me like tracking radar. "What do you mean, honestly?"

"I have never, ever had one. So my time since is either zero or infinite, depending on how you look at it."

"How about, I'm going to schedule one." Well, that's how she wants to look at it, i guess.

Then she asked, "Is there anyone you'd prefer for the procedure?"

"Yeah! Not me."

Turns out she meant that there's more than one place in town for this, did i have a preference for doctor or practice, not participant.

"Oh. Well, no, then."
 
Keith&Co. said:
Had my doctor's appt today, catching up on my blood pressure and diabetes.

Out of left field, she asks if it's been ten years since my last colonoscopy.

Wel, honestly, no, it has not been ten years since my last colonoscopy.

her eyes swung on me like tracking radar. "What do you mean, honestly?"

"I have never, ever had one. So my time since is either zero or infinite, depending on how you look at it."

"How about, I'm going to schedule one." Well, that's how she wants to look at it, i guess.

Then she asked, "Is there anyone you'd prefer for the procedure?"

"Yeah! Not me."

Turns out she meant that there's more than one place in town for this, did i have a preference for doctor or practice, not participant.

"Oh. Well, no, then."
Click to expand...

I didn't find it all that bad. The procedure itself is normally done under anesthesia and unless they find something there will be no cutting--thus the only recovery is generally coming out from the anesthesia. The doc used the good stuff on me (sometimes they don't for reasons of cost--it requires an anesthesiologist during the procedure and they need a ventilator there in case it knocks out your breathing. {No big deal when they are prepared for it}) and all it did was make me woozy for a couple of hours.

The part that everyone doesn't like is shitting your guts out the day before. Stay at home near a toilet and it's no big deal.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Had my doctor's appt today, catching up on my blood pressure and diabetes.

Out of left field, she asks if it's been ten years since my last colonoscopy.

Wel, honestly, no, it has not been ten years since my last colonoscopy.

her eyes swung on me like tracking radar. "What do you mean, honestly?"

"I have never, ever had one. So my time since is either zero or infinite, depending on how you look at it."

"How about, I'm going to schedule one." Well, that's how she wants to look at it, i guess.

Then she asked, "Is there anyone you'd prefer for the procedure?"

"Yeah! Not me."

Turns out she meant that there's more than one place in town for this, did i have a preference for doctor or practice, not participant.

"Oh. Well, no, then."
Click to expand...

I had a testicular ultrasound a while back (no big deal, turned out to be a benign cyst). When I made the appointment, the imaging centre receptionist asked if I wanted a female sonographer.

I was surprised by the question, and asked what possible difference could it make; And apparently some men are violently opposed to having a male medical professional touching their genitals. I find that extraordinary - I mean there isn't much that is less sexual than a medical diagnostic for possible cancer, is there?

People are fucking weird.
 
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