Things that make you laugh...

[jonatha]

Had my doctor's appt today, catching up on my blood pressure and diabetes.

Out of left field, she asks if it's been ten years since my last colonoscopy.

Wel, honestly, no, it has not been ten years since my last colonoscopy.

her eyes swung on me like tracking radar. "What do you mean, honestly?"

"I have never, ever had one. So my time since is either zero or infinite, depending on how you look at it."

"How about, I'm going to schedule one." Well, that's how she wants to look at it, i guess.

Then she asked, "Is there anyone you'd prefer for the procedure?"

"Yeah! Not me."

Turns out she meant that there's more than one place in town for this, did i have a preference for doctor or practice, not participant.

"Oh. Well, no, then."

I had a testicular ultrasound a while back (no big deal, turned out to be a benign cyst). When I made the appointment, the imaging centre receptionist asked if I wanted a female sonographer.

I was surprised by the question, and asked what possible difference could it make; And apparently some men are violently opposed to having a male medical professional touching their genitals. I find that extraordinary - I mean there isn't much that is less sexual than a medical diagnostic for possible cancer, is there?

People are fucking weird.

I am a bad person.

I cannot help but wonder if there is a surcharge for a female tech...

 

[Wiploc]

I had a testicular ultrasound a while back (no big deal, turned out to be a benign cyst). When I made the appointment, the imaging centre receptionist asked if I wanted a female sonographer.

I was surprised by the question, and asked what possible difference could it make; And apparently some men are violently opposed to having a male medical professional touching their genitals. I find that extraordinary - I mean there isn't much that is less sexual than a medical diagnostic for possible cancer, is there?

People are fucking weird.

I am a bad person.

I cannot help but wonder if there is a surcharge for a female tech...

sircharge

 

[gmbteach]

So, we've got three sons. They've all been through the phase where they decide they're going to do or say something to 'shock' the old people.

The Valentine's Day thread reminded me of one boy's attempt. He and his girlfriend at the time had advanced to 'French' Kissing. I was supposed to be shocked at this sign of his maturity, i guess.
I looked him right in the eye. "You know I took your mother's virginity, right?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

So, that's a point for me.

The wife waited two days. In the middle of a quiet moment, turns to son and says, "Well, fair's only fair."
"What?" he asked, lost by the non sequitur.
"I took your father's virginity at the same time."
"Oh, GOD, MOM!"

Game, set, match to the Mrs.

I've never understood what's supposed to be offensive about one's parents having sex.

EWWW! My mum and Dad had SEX?

Actually, I know they had it at least once, I walked in on them. I was about 7 and it's still burned into my memory... :sick001:

 

[Arctish]

I had a testicular ultrasound a while back (no big deal, turned out to be a benign cyst). When I made the appointment, the imaging centre receptionist asked if I wanted a female sonographer.

I was surprised by the question, and asked what possible difference could it make; And apparently some men are violently opposed to having a male medical professional touching their genitals. I find that extraordinary - I mean there isn't much that is less sexual than a medical diagnostic for possible cancer, is there?

People are fucking weird.

I have a guy friend, long-time military, who needed a procedure done that required the use of a catheter to keep his bladder empty. He insisted the insertion be done by a male. The female nurses tried reassuring him that it was a simple procedure they had done many times before, but he wouldn't let them do it.

The reason:

Show

it hurts going in, and he wanted the shortest possible distance from start to finish.

 

[gmbteach]

 

[Keith&Co.]

Mrs. &Co. has applied for a job in my department. So coworkers interviewed her.

One said, "I just have to ask, is your husband the same at home as he is at work?"
"Why no," she replies. "I'm sure he saves all of that just for you."
"Great," coworker mutters, "there's two of them..."

 

[gmbteach]

Mrs. &Co. has applied for a job in my department. So coworkers interviewed her.

One said, "I just have to ask, is your husband the same at home as he is at work?"
"Why no," she replies. "I'm sure he saves all of that just for you."
"Great," coworker mutters, "there's two of them..."

 

[Keith&Co.]

I was at Target, passed a mother out with her two kids and her Mom.

Grandma wanted the kids to become enthusiastic about brushing their teeth, so she was going to buy them each an electric toothbrush.
Mom jokingly complained that 'You never bought ME an electric toothbrush.'
'Well, they didn't HAVE electric toothbrushes when you were eight years old."
I spun around from where i was. "Are you kidding, they had electric toothbrushes when _I_ was 8 years old."

They stared at me like i had shot their puppy or something. You know that look, the 'We were having a PRIVATE conversation, at the top of our lungs in a public place, six paces from where you're looking for a cold remedy, do you fucking MIND?' look.
Except the youngest daughter who immediately piped up with, "When WERE you 8?"
"1970."
"Whoooooooa...."

 

[bilby]

I was at Target, passed a mother out with her two kids and her Mom.

Grandma wanted the kids to become enthusiastic about brushing their teeth, so she was going to buy them each an electric toothbrush.
Mom jokingly complained that 'You never bought ME an electric toothbrush.'
'Well, they didn't HAVE electric toothbrushes when you were eight years old."
I spun around from where i was. "Are you kidding, they had electric toothbrushes when _I_ was 8 years old."

They stared at me like i had shot their puppy or something. You know that look, the 'We were having a PRIVATE conversation, at the top of our lungs in a public place, six paces from where you're looking for a cold remedy, do you fucking MIND?' look.
Except the youngest daughter who immediately piped up with, "When WERE you 8?"
"1970."
"Whoooooooa...."

LOL I bet they would have believed 1870.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I was at Target, passed a mother out with her two kids and her Mom.

Grandma wanted the kids to become enthusiastic about brushing their teeth, so she was going to buy them each an electric toothbrush.
Mom jokingly complained that 'You never bought ME an electric toothbrush.'
'Well, they didn't HAVE electric toothbrushes when you were eight years old."
I spun around from where i was. "Are you kidding, they had electric toothbrushes when _I_ was 8 years old."

They stared at me like i had shot their puppy or something. You know that look, the 'We were having a PRIVATE conversation, at the top of our lungs in a public place, six paces from where you're looking for a cold remedy, do you fucking MIND?' look.
Except the youngest daughter who immediately piped up with, "When WERE you 8?"
"1970."
"Whoooooooa...."

LOL I bet they would have believed 1870.

My coworkers certainly would...

that's why Christine is officially SHUT THE FUCK UP years old. Once too often interrupting a sea story with "When was this? Oh, i was in ____ grade at the time." Or "My mom was having her first ____ at that time."

 

[Keith&Co.]

A Canadian Friend just told me about a radio DJ in their area who will read out texts sent to him during the show, if he finds them worthy.

He referred to a news story about a guy that had amnesia for 30 years, recently discovered who he was. DJ asked, "What do you say when you first speak to your mother after all those years?"

My friend texted in her suggestion, which was deemed worthy: 'Can you come and pick me up?'

 

[jonatha]

that's why Christine is officially SHUT THE FUCK UP years old. Once too often interrupting a sea story with "When was this? Oh, i was in ____ grade at the time." Or "My mom was having her first ____ at that time."

Supposition 1: Christine is Mrs. &Co.
Supposition 2: Christine is a bit younger than Mr. &Co. (being in grade school while he was serving on submarines)
Observed fact: Mr. &Co is a really, really neat guy.
Conclusion: I hope reincarnation is real, so I can come bak as Mr. &Co.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Supposition 1: Christine is Mrs. &Co.

That's a negative, Christine is my supervisor.

Supposition 2: Christine is a bit younger than Mr. &Co. (being in grade school while he was serving on submarines)

Christine is QUITE a bit younger... Mrs. &Co. is actually 7 years older.

Observed fact: Mr. &Co is a really, really neat guy.

Well, thank you!

Conclusion: I hope reincarnation is real, so I can come bak as Mr. &Co.

Feel free. Just pay the franchise fee, it's all good.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Just got off the phone with my dad. He'd overheard some people talking at the mall, saying that parenting in today's world is so very much different than the world they were raised in. I sat through Dad's sermon on how the basics never change, you're still parents whatever music your kids are listening to, and whether there's three channels or 300, they still watch too much TV.

So i read him a text my kid sent my last night. Tallest wrote to complain: Daaaad! (Oldest) is drunk texting me! Make him stop! Then i asked him how to reply to that.

He hung up on me.

 

[Angry Floof]

Hospital to replace doctors with parents who have done their research

 

[ZiprHead]

MICHIGAN, according to JEFF FOXWORTHY:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Michigan. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Michigan. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Michigan. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Michigan. If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Grand Rapids for the weekend, you may live in Michigan. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Michigan. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Michigan. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Michigan. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Michigan. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Michigan. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Michigan. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Michigan. If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Michigan. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Michigan. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Michigan. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Michigan. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Michigan. If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Michigan friends and others can see, you definitely do live - or have lived - in Michigan

 

[Keith&Co.]

My wife has knitted me a hat.
I needed something festive to go with my Hawaiian shirts. People look at me funny when i cross between our buildings in single-digit weather wearing only a short-sleeved shirt. So i thought to add a nice knitted hat.
She finished it tonight and put it on to show me. It looks really nice. When she took it off, my expression soured. "Oh."
"What? What's wrong?"
"You've got hat hair."
"Dang," she said, reaching up to smooth down her hair...just as she remembered that her hair is done up in corn rows...

And i LIKE sleeping on the sofa, i can cruise the internet a lot later than if i have to climb up to the bedroom.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Someone left their dog tied up outside the post office thisafternoon. Right between the two doors into the lobby. With enough slack in the leash to reach either door.

He was an adorable bichon frise, just watching everyone go by as they came and went. Then, just in front of me, a mother and her daughter walked up to the door. Daughter's about 2nd/3rd grade. I don't know what it was about her that the dog took offense at, but he started barking. And not just 'Hey, i see you do you see me?' but 'GET AWAY FROM MY POST OFFICE!"
She hadn't seen the dog as they walked up, she gave a little scream. Mom yanked her back. I stepped between the dog and the others. I didn't really plan to say anything, just got between the dog and the kid, just in case. But i guess i just am genetically predisposed to humor to relieve moments of stress. I should probably get tested for that. It would explain a lot.
But i found myself leaning over the dog and shouting, "IT'S PRONOUNCED 'BARK.' ENUNCIATE!"

Doggie sat back on his haunches, quite confused. Girl and Mom scurry into the post office, i follow. Girl is giggling, Mom is smiling, Dog watches me through the glass. Pays no attention to the girl any more.

I turned towards my PO Box. Mom asked, "So, how long have you been teaching English?"

Doggie was quite happy to see his owner return before I did.

 

[bigfield]

Someone at PureFTP is a smart ass:


Status: Disconnected from server
Response: 421 Timeout - try typing a little faster next time

 

[bilby]