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Things that make you laugh...

I was so proud.

We tend to go to a particular restaurant here every week. Enough that they tend to have my name written down before i make it to the podium to tell them how many people are eating tonight.
Tonight was bad. Not enjoyable.
A group of high school atheletes from a nearby city, and their parents/sisters/coaches were having dinner across from us. So loud we couldn't hold a conversation at our own table.

We almost had to use pictographs to order our meal. The manager asked them to hold it down twice, with no real effect.

When my Tallest child couldn't take it any more, he stood up and screamed, "HEY! Hold it DOWN, I"m trying to come out to my parents, here!"

It also had no effect, but i was so proud of him for trying.
 
In the supermarket yesterday, there was a little girl, just slightly above Knee-High years old, shopping with her parents.

Every person she passed, she pointed at them and shouted PINK! PINK!

Most adults took it well, the Japanese couple was confused.

When they passed me in the chips aisle, she pointed at me with both hands and shouted, 'PINK!' I cheerfully said "YES!" Then i pulled my Breast Cancer Awareness reusable shopping bag out and showed her the pink sides and straps. Then i went all squinty eyed and asked her, "Where's yours?"
That threw her. She took a step back, glancing down at her full-length, very black winter coat and her blue jeans. "Um...."
Mom stage-whispered: "Show him your socks."
She did. They qualified.
"Alright, then," i approved and we went on our ways.
 
Bought my wife an F bomb.

A soft plush toy, shaped kind of bomby, with a big F on the side. I felt that as an English Teacher, grade 10, she would have a need to drop the F-bomb now and again.

She dropped it this morning. Tossed it from hand to hand while lecturing, missed, it fell to the floor. She didn't pause her lecture. At lunch she was able to brag to her coworkers: I dropped the F-bomb in class. None of my students cared.

We'll see how long it takes for the Principal to hear that...
 
Keith&Co. said:
Bought my wife an F bomb.

A soft plush toy, shaped kind of bomby, with a big F on the side. I felt that as an English Teacher, grade 10, she would have a need to drop the F-bomb now and again.

She dropped it this morning. Tossed it from hand to hand while lecturing, missed, it fell to the floor. She didn't pause her lecture. At lunch she was able to brag to her coworkers: I dropped the F-bomb in class. None of my students cared.

We'll see how long it takes for the Principal to hear that...
Click to expand...

Sounds like it came from these guys: http://explosm.net/comics/2131/

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Vegetarian funnies - true stories

After some kids broke into my warehouse, I had to appear in a Restorative Justice meeting to mete out punishment, and to my surprise, the lead mediator was my 'neighbor' (about a quarter mile away, line of sight) across the river. A few days later, my wife saw him approaching his next door neighbor, with whom he shares his driveway.
"He's probably pissed because the guy parked in the shared drive" I observed. My wife didn't think so - "He probably gets along great with his neighbor - he's a mediator."

"Oh", I countered. "But what if the neighbor's a vegetarian?"

My other funny for the week was totally innocent and unintentional. Another nearby resident had been picking up mountain lions on her wildlife camera for the last few nights. My wife informed me "It's hunting season for mountain lions, so they're all down here now..." Honest to God, I was confused. "What do you think they do the rest of the year - go vegetarian?"

Thus ends my "vegetarian" based humor for 2016.
 
So, annual job performance evaluations are coming up.
I've ordered one of these for my desk:

61LicN-azpL._SL1000_.jpg

The figure is 4.5 inches tall and the word balloon is a white-board.
So you can write your own messages on it.
Like: My operatives will avenge my performance evaluation... And some of them are submariners.
 
Talk of radiation in Natural Science reminded me of the time Medical thought i was radioactive.

We ran a drill on the waterfront. I was volunteered to be the wounded guy. They strapped a bit of plastic to my leg with the bloody bone sticking out of the skin. "There, you're wounded." I started screaming. "Hey! Hold the noise down!"
"Chief this is EXACTLY the noise i made the last time i could SEE MY OWN BONE! EEEEEEEK! OWWWWWWWWWWW! FROG FUCKING SON OF A PROSTITUTE HARPY!" Then i quieted and just muttered 'ditto' once a minute.

Anyway, the ambulance arrives. They lift me to the gurney. They strap me in and wheel me to the ambulance and drive me to Base Medical.

The accident was with a weapon that could potentially have released nuclear material, so they were dresssed up in the canary suits. I've worn the canary suit for drills. This time, i was comfortable. All i had to do was lay there as other people did the work and answered questions from the drill monitor. So they start taking my temperature and examining the wound and walking through tests of my blood type and so on. I lay there, relaxed.
A guy started to wave a radiation detector around my wound. I lay there.
He reported that he was getting a reading of radiation. I lay there.
The doctor in charge asked the drill monitor exactly how extensive the radiation area was. I lay there.
The drill monitor looked confused. He leaned down to ask me, "Did someone strap a radiation source to our leg?" What? He's detecting REAL radiation? Off of MY leg?

FOR A DRILL?!?!

I sat straight up on the table and demanded the radiac.
"No, I'm getting a reading!"
"You shouldn't be! I'm not supposed to be radioactive!" I had no idea how i even COULD have become radioactive. So i wanted to check it out.
"Well, you are!"
"Fine, let me verify your reading."
"I know what i'm doing!"
"I'm sure you do. But I fucking TEACH the operation of that particular radiac, so i'd just like to take a teensy peek at your results."
He insisted i didn't need to do that, the drill monitor started to ask if maybe i could, the doc defended he medic, other medics agreed that he'd fully qualified on that radiac...

Then i saw enough of the screen to see that he wasn't reading radiation. He had the dial set to battery test. All he was detecting was four D cells in the meter. I relaxed and lay back down. it was no longer my problem. I just lay there as they shorted it out. I did whisper the fact to the drill monitor so he'd stop sweating, but we let the FULLY QUALIFIED medical staff figure it out on their own.
 
So, the dildos being sent to the dildos in Malheur remind me of Betty.

My very last patrol on the fourth and final submarine of my career, my wife packed an inflatable sheep in my half-way night box. Those boxes are like Christmas, gifts the families pack that get hidden away and distributed when we're halfway through patrol. Candy, gum, sodas, porn, puzzle magazines, cards from the kids, drawings from the dog, stuff like that.

I got Betty. Betty was adorable. I could just never figure out how to inflate her... I mean, i'd be comfortable going around the submarine getting pictures. Betty at the CONN, Betty in sonar, Betty in line for chow... I just couldn't imagine a place i could safely blow her up. Being caught half-way through... "It's for a joke, i swear." Wouldn't work.

So she just sat in my bunk locker.

On all patrols, the Missile Techs tended to get bunks in two specific bunk rooms. Right under one of our watch stations so we could listen in on certain conversations. This patrol, 8 of the 9 bunks had missile techs. One had a guy from another division. He wasn't terribly welcome. And he had a habit of forcing his way into any conversation.

so there we were, talking about James Bond movies in the bunk room. Idgit came in while i was talking, so i INSTANTLY changed the topic. "The thing is, you have to lubricate the vinyl vagina before you inflate her. That's the only way to make sure the lubricant goes everywhere. If you miss a spot, then you'll hit that dry patch in mid-thrust and it'll ruin the mood."
"What are you talking about?" Idgit asks.
"My inflatable sheep. So anyway, you need to-"
"You haven't got one of those!" he sneered.
I pulled her out of the locker and tossed her flat on the deck with a big old slap.
Idgit freaked. I mean absolutely lost his shit. Ran out of the bunkroom and went to tell his Leading Petty Officer that he was bunking with perverts.
Eventually his complaint worked up to his department head and the Engineer came to see my department head, the Weapons Officer.
"I hear one of your men has an inflatable sex toy."
"The only one I know about," Weps said, "Is Petty Officer &Co.'s sheep."
"That.... Uh, yeah, that's the one."
"And?"
"Well, what's he doing with that?"
"It's his 16th patrol I don't want to know what he does with it."
"Ah."
Reportedly, he went back to his department and said, "If you don't want to know what the MTs have in their lockers, don't ask what they have in their lockers. They'll probably show you."
 
I kinda remember that yesterday was billpay day.
I paid about 14 bills.

Going through my checkbook this evening, i see on the carbonless copies that i wrote the name of the vendor, the money amount, and then signed my signature on the line where i typically write out the long-form of the money paid. I can't quite see what i wrote on the line for the authorized signature, but there are signs it was the monetary amount of the check. I transposed signature and long-form on every one of the checks.

Muscle relaxants are good shit, dog.

I guess now i wait to see who sends them back, the vendors or the bank.

On the bright side, i have plenty of stamps. WAY too many stamps after mailing 14 bills. I'm hoping i tried to mail the bills with Easter Seals, so the post office will return them. They always give me that 'look' when I screw up the stamps or the addresses or something, like 'god what sort of idiot can't master a fucking self-adhesive stamp.' Which is fine. I'm okay with that, if it means i don't bounce 14 checks. I will thank them politely for calling me a moron.
 
Keith&Co. said:
I kinda remember that yesterday was billpay day.
I paid about 14 bills.

Going through my checkbook this evening, i see on the carbonless copies that i wrote the name of the vendor, the money amount, and then signed my signature on the line where i typically write out the long-form of the money paid. I can't quite see what i wrote on the line for the authorized signature, but there are signs it was the monetary amount of the check. I transposed signature and long-form on every one of the checks.

Muscle relaxants are good shit, dog.

I guess now i wait to see who sends them back, the vendors or the bank.

On the bright side, i have plenty of stamps. WAY too many stamps after mailing 14 bills. I'm hoping i tried to mail the bills with Easter Seals, so the post office will return them. They always give me that 'look' when I screw up the stamps or the addresses or something, like 'god what sort of idiot can't master a fucking self-adhesive stamp.' Which is fine. I'm okay with that, if it means i don't bounce 14 checks. I will thank them politely for calling me a moron.
Click to expand...

o.O wut r checks?
 
hylidae said:
Keith&Co. said:
I kinda remember that yesterday was billpay day.
I paid about 14 bills.

Going through my checkbook this evening, i see on the carbonless copies that i wrote the name of the vendor, the money amount, and then signed my signature on the line where i typically write out the long-form of the money paid. I can't quite see what i wrote on the line for the authorized signature, but there are signs it was the monetary amount of the check. I transposed signature and long-form on every one of the checks.

Muscle relaxants are good shit, dog.

I guess now i wait to see who sends them back, the vendors or the bank.

On the bright side, i have plenty of stamps. WAY too many stamps after mailing 14 bills. I'm hoping i tried to mail the bills with Easter Seals, so the post office will return them. They always give me that 'look' when I screw up the stamps or the addresses or something, like 'god what sort of idiot can't master a fucking self-adhesive stamp.' Which is fine. I'm okay with that, if it means i don't bounce 14 checks. I will thank them politely for calling me a moron.
Click to expand...

o.O wut r checks?
Click to expand...

Yeah.. We know them as cheques.. :p
 
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