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Things that make you laugh...

gmbteach said:
Man, I wish you lived closer! I am just picturing some of the sessions you and Bilby would have. :D
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Hell, i almost reach critical mass with my wife as it is...

We went out to see Star Wars VII with a couple of my coworkers. Phred looked at my wife after everyone was introduced. "So, is he as much of a smartass at home as he is at work?"
"Why, no," Mrs. &Co. said sweetly. "He saves all that just for you."
"Oh, God," Phred said. "There's two of them."
"Told you," Chris said. "I've seen this before. it's not pretty."

But we have fun anyway.
 
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gmbteach said:
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Reminds me of a story, probably from Readers Digest, probably from the sixties. I translate/confabulate freely:

Joe showed up at the office proud of his new hat.

I handled it, ostensibly to admire, but actually to learn the size and source.
Then I went to the store and bought an identical hat, one size bigger.
When I he was away from his desk again, I switched out the hats.

Come time to go home, Joe put on his hat, and discovered it was too big. He stuffed paper in the sweatband to make it fit.

The next day, I took the paper out of the too-large hat, and put it into his original hat. At the end of the day, when he put the hat on, it was too small. He had to take the paper out to make it fit.

And so on until they guy went to see a shrink (which part was, I assume, exaggeration).
 
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.
 
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away:

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not poop in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.
 
gmbteach said:
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.
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Heh heh.

Never been a fan of huge boobs. Always preferred petite and perky.
 
I was reminded of one of our officers, on my third boat.

They started doing these drills back in the Engine room where some of the steam generated by the nuclear power plant would leak. They decided that a critical bit of information that was to be shared was whether or not someone could isolate the source of the leak by shutting particular valves.
The report varied. Some officers would announce that the leak 'can (or cannot) be isolated.' Or the leak 'defies isolation.'
One was fond of a more long winded approach: 'leak is from the stem of Main Steam Valve 1' or 'downstream of MS3' and we were supposed to know the system well enough to decide for ourselves if it could be isolated.

The captain wanted to standardize the report. So the senior engineering personnel got together and formed a phrase and took a vote and presented their suggestion to the Engineer and we did it the way the Engineer wanted to in the first place.

So the next time they ran the drill, the Engineering Officer of the Watch picked up his microphone and announced to the ship: THE LEAK IS UNISOLUBLE!

I started laughing. The XO got pissed that i wasn't taking the casualty in the right frame of mind.

"Sorry, Sir, he just misread the announcement. He meant to say 'isolable,' but he just announced that the steam leak won't dissolve in water!"

Some other people on the mess decks started to laugh with me. The XO stormed out. Turned out, the officer HAD correctly read the notice...that was the word the XO printed on the little cards.
 
I think the guys who programmed the iPhone predictive text need to get out more.

It offers me three 'next words' based on what is typed so far. I typed "Snug as a bug in a" and it suggested:

'...Statement';
'...While'; or
'...Row'.

I don't think we need worry about the machines taking over just yet.
 
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