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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman."
 
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?
 
Ad oldie but still good

Dialogue between a lady interviewer and a male beer drinker:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?
 
3 men, (one young, one middle aged, and one old) are deep in the jungle traversing their way when they are captured by the natives and placed in a cage.
after 3 days the youngest of the 3 is taken to the chief.
the chief looks at the young man and asks "Death or Unga-Bunga?"
the young man says "I am young and haven't lived a full life and I don't want to die so I guess Unga-Bunga."
the young man is bent over a stump and all the men of the tribe rape him and then he is set loose.
next the middle aged man is brought before the chief.
the chief looks at the middle aged man and asks "Death or Unga-Bunga?"
the middle aged man says "I have lived a life but it isn't complete yet I don't want to die so I guess Unga-Bunga."
the middle aged man is bent over a stump and all the men of the tribe rape him and then he is set loose.
finally the old man is brought before the chief.
the chief looks at the old man and asks "Death or Unga-Bunga?"
the old man reminisces for a minute and syas "I have lived a full life and I am prepared for death so no Unga-Bunga for me I choose death."
So the chief accepts his answer and...

says "Death by Unga-Bunga!"

 
SAUSAGES ............. RACISM?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."


Bunnings is a hardware store in Australia

 
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair"hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 
People used to ask me why my Russian wolfhounds had such long noses.

I liked to answer, "So they can foreshorten."

I got some strange looks.
 
A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."
 
Another oldie but a goody! :p

A man comes home early from work and shouts, "Honey, I'm home!" No reply. So he goes upstairs and calls from the landing, "Honey, I am home," but still no reply. Frustrated, he goes into the bedroom and finds his wife on the bed, stark naked. "Oh Norman, I didn't expect you this early," she says, holding her chest and breathing heavily. He thinks she is having an heart attack and runs downstairs to ring for an ambulance. He starts dialing the emergency number when his young daughter starts pulling at his jacket. "Dad," she says. "Dad," she says again. "What is it? I'm busy," he says. "Uncle Jack is in the wardrobe with no clothes on," she tells him. He drops the phone and runs back to the bedroom. "You bastard, you f**king bastard," he shouts angrily at Norman. "You bastard! My wife is having a heart attack and you are going around starkers scaring the kids!"
 
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I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
 
I used to be a huge Van Halen fan until that time the ringtone on my phone cost me my job as a suicide negotiator.




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I'm very familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.



I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.


I'm the kind of guy who uses the smoke alarm for a cooking timer.

I never set the timer on the microwave. Just don't remove or puncture the top of the package. When it explodes, you know it's done.



I've just got back from Accident & Emergency and have a warning for you:

Never take the "Pierce lid and stand in boiling water" instruction too literally.
 
Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
but laughing at you.
 
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