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Joke gallery

angelo said:
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
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:hysterical: :slowclap:
 
A guy is driving down the road when a bird hits his window and somehow gets his wing trapped under the windshield wiper. The bird is obviously frantically attempting to escape, so the guy turns on his windshield wiper to help. Unfortunately this just exacerbates the problem because now the bird is trapped under a moving wiper and can't get his bearings. Rolling his window down he reaches around the front and just as the wiper nears the edge of the windshield he gives the bird a little flip, dislodging it from the wiper blade. The bird then somersaults awkwardly over his car and lands on the windshield of the car directly behind him.

The car behind him happens to be a police car. The lights come on immediately and the officer pulls him over and writes him a ticket ...


... for flipping him the bird.

 
My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church.
 
angelo said:
My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church.
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Somehow I think a 21st should involve alcohol.
 
Loren Pechtel said:
angelo said:
My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church.
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Somehow I think a 21st should involve alcohol.
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Who says it didn't? Could you voice that suggestion sober?
 
A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'"
 
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female
Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who
was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged
with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained, "Because
there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one
around," he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. He commented with evident
embarrassment, "Guess I was really into it, ya' know?"

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor
approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Deputy
Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this
pumpkin."

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence. "I said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex
with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there,
and then he looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Shit! Is it
midnight already?"

The court, and the judge, could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was
found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10 and sent on his way.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."
 
He was supposed to be having sex with a carriage and lost track of time?
 
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
 
DBT said:
Sorry Ladies:

View attachment 1241
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Yes, speaking in isolation doesn't mean he's right! :p

- - - Updated - - -

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
 
How many Amoebae does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

No, now it's two.

Four.

Eight.

Sixteeen.

Thirty Two.

Sixty Four.

One Hundred and Twenty Eight.

Two Hundred and Fifty Six.

Five Hundred and Twelve.

One Thousand and Twenty Four.

Two Thousand and Forty Eight.

Four Thousand and Ninety Six.

Eight Thousand One Hundred and Ninety Two.

Sixteen Thousand Three Hundred and Eighty Four.

Thirty Two Thousand Seven hundred and Sixty Eight.

Sixty Five Thousand Five Hundred and Thirty Six.

One Hundred and Thirty One Thousand and Seventy Two.

Two Hundred and Sixty Two Thousand One Hundred and Forty Four.

Five Hundred and Twenty Four Thousand Two Hundred and Eighty Eight.

One Million Forty Eight Thousand Five Hundred and Seventy Six.

Two Million Ninety Seven Thousand One Hundred and Fifty Two.

Four Million One Hundred and Ninety Four Thousand Three Hundred and Four.

Eight Million Three Hundred and Eighty Eight Thousand Six Hundred and Eight.

Sixteen Million Seven Hundred and Seventy Seven Thousand Two Hundred and Sixteen.

Thirty Three Million Five Hundred and Fifty Four Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty Two.

...
 
Wanna be happy? Just ignore some ants
Because ignore ants is bliss!


So I've been hanging out at the gym lately....and they've asked me to buy some better fitting shorts.


My doctor has a quandary. He's operating on a malpractice attorney tomorrow.


The guys were all out pig shooting on a remote property. No one wanted to share a tent with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, Man, what happened to you? He said, Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. Couldn't sleep, I watched him all night.

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older fellow, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Good morning! he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, Man, what happened?

He said, Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob probably sat up and watched me all night.



God Talks to St. Francis:


GOD: Frank , you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS : Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS : Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it--sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS : Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS : No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS : Yes, Sir

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind
 
Q: What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist ?
A: An etymologist knows the difference.
 
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