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Investment tips



With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.



Watch for these consolidations later on this year:



1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller

Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.



2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers

join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.



3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.



4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota

Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .



5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and

become: FedUP.



6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will

become: Fairwell Honeychild.



7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.



8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of

Women will become: Knott NOW!



And finally...



9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under

the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
 
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
 
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
 
We're at that point in society where you just can't tell any more.

I mean, i read where a comedy writer tweets: "This is a shitty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up and they're telling me to stop drinking."

I know it's a joke, so i laugh.

Then i hear about a comment made by a screen test audience for Rainman. A viewer wrote: "All the way through, I kept hoping for the little guy to just snap out of it." If that was a character on Big Bang Theory, i'd laugh.
It's apparently sincere.... And i weep.
 
Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around
his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we
can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance
Energy because the electricity bill has not been paid.

" Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? "

"Yes... speaking"

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"

" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you
are overdue"

"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He
will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,rushes

to Reliance office the next day morning.


"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's
nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
 
I’m posing nude for an art class tomorrow...Nobody asked me to.
I think they’re making ceramic bowls, or something.


I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.


I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me.
He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in!


My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry.
In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

Boom boom!
 
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman."
 
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told
her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front
door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
 
INTERNET WARNING FOR WORLD CUP FANS

It is strongly advised to double-check your spelling before googling the scorer of the winning goal in today's World Cup Final. The correct spelling is Goetze. You have been warned.
 
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is
my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent
me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed,
too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher
asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She
asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried
chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told
me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be
honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked
me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel
Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
 
galactic-disc.jpg
 
George S said:
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is
my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent
me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed,
too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher
asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She
asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried
chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told
me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be
honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked
me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel
Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
Click to expand...

I'm going to guess Mississippi, Alabama, or Georgia. ;)
 
Underseer said:
I'm going to guess Mississippi, Alabama, or Georgia. ;)
Click to expand...
They have PETA teachers in them there places?

i think, in a place where Barbeque is one of the food groups, a fried chicken as a favorite animal would go over big.

I'm guessing Massachusetts or Oregon.
 
All of the below lol.


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it

********************

I had amnesia once---or twice

********************

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

********************

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?

********************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

******************



"If I'm ever on life support - unplug me, wait 10 seconds and then plug me back in - see if that works."

*****************
 
The man with a 25 inch penis

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!" But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!"
 
There was the guy that sought treatment for his stammer. "D-dd-d-doc, i nnnnnneed help," he would say. Specialist after specialist failed to diagnose the problem.
One day, though, a neurologist thought it might be self-esteem. "How big is your penis?" he asked.
"Twenttttttty inches," he eventually replied.
"Well, there you go! Obviously, a monster cock that big is putting pressure on your spine. The weight distribution's all wrong. Trim that monster down and you'll be fine."
The guy thinks about it for a while, then decides to go for that option. He comes out of surgery with a respectable six inches and his troubles are over. In post-op he recites Hamlet's soliloquy without a single error.
A month later, he's back in the office. "Doc, i've made a terrible mistake! I had fourteen girlfriends, now i have none. I used to be the most respected man at the gym, now no one talks to me." On and on, all the great things in his life that had depended on the monster cock were gone. "Is there any chance you saved the extra?" he begs. "Can you sew it back on?"

Doc shakes his head and says, "T-t-t-t-t-too Llllllate."
 
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker,


give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an


Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said


and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin's hooker."
 
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.

No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What do ya think ya doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius ? Bollocks! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 
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