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Joke gallery

A man and wife were having relations when their son happened by the open door. "Close the door!" he yelled.

"I'll go and talk to him," the husband said.

He walked toward his son's room and saw the son having relations with his grandma.

"What in ..."

"It's not so much fun when it's your mother."




Joke told by Robin Williams
 
An old Soviet Joke:

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "You don't need to know!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, you... well... Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."
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SLD
 
You know why there's no jokes about the Jonestown massacre? The punchlines are too long.
 
Don't Fart in Harrods
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woopsie and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.
 
Two young blokes appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first fella, "How did you do over the weekend ?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people!? That's wonderful. How did you do it ? "

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second fella. "And how did you go ?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram, he says. I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, this is your arsehole before prison..."
 
What did the snail who was riding the turtle say?


Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!



Who was purple and conquered the world?

Attila the Plum



Who was purple and conquered the world?

Alexander the Grape

 
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

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A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
 
laughing dog said:
What did the snail who was riding the turtle say?


Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!



Who was purple and conquered the world?

Attila the Plum



Who was purple and conquered the world?

Alexander the Grape

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Good but :slowclap:

My daughter loved them.

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angelo said:
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
Click to expand...
Beware, your sin will find you out.
 
Q: What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual stripper?
A: About two weeks.
 
And then there were two nuns riding their bikes on a cobblestone road when one nun says to the other: "do you come this way often? "to which the other nun answers: "no, it must be the cobbles."
 
No. It goes this way.

Did you hear about the little girl who chased the little boy around the church and caught him by the organ?

The organist refuses to use that bench again.
 
Did you hear about the monkey who screwed a giraffe? His friends put him up to it.
 
This an oldie but a beauty!
A man walks into a pub and asks for 12 shots of vodka. The barman says, "Wow, 12. Are you celebrating?" The man replies, "I've just experienced my first blow job." The barman says, "That's brilliant. Let me get you another one on the house." The man replies, "No, that's okay. If the twelfth one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."
 
An elderly couple were in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.

She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.

He asked what was wrong. She said “I had a dream that I died and you got remarried”.

She asked him, “If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?”. He said, “Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely”.

Then she asked, “Well would you two live in this house?”. He replied, “Sure, we just have to finish paying off our mortgage”.

She asked again, angry now, “Well would she sleep in this bed?” He thought a while and said “Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there’s no reason to rid of it”.

She asked irately, “Well would she use my golf clubs?” He replied with a straight, serious face, “No. She’s left handed”.
 
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