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Joke gallery

Less discussion, more jokes.

Q. What's the difference between a circus and a chorus line?
A. A circus is an array of cunning stunts...
 
A burglar is searching a home he has broken into at night and hears a very quiet voice say "Jesus is watching you".
He stops, peers around, see nothing and a quiet voice says "Jesus is watching you".
He flicks on his torch and sees a galah (bird, not person) that says "Jesus is watching you".
"What is your name?" he asks the bird.
"David" the bird replies.
"What stupid owner would call their bird David and train it to say "Jesus is watching you""?
The bird replies "The same stupid owner that has a doberman called Jesus and Jesus is watching you."
 
Veritass said:
Less discussion, more jokes.

Q. What's the difference between a circus and a chorus line?
A. A circus is an array of cunning stunts...
Click to expand...

The version I heard back in the 80's compared a women's track team to an group of smart pygmies.

The pygmies were the cunning runts.
 
A very sexist joke. Remember ladies, it's a joke, and I love all women.
A blind man walks past a fresh fish market. As he's briskly walking along the sidewalk he exclaims: Good morning ladies!.
 
angelo said:
A very sexist joke. Remember ladies, it's a joke, and I love all women.
A blind man walks past a fresh fish market. As he's briskly walking along the sidewalk he exclaims: Good morning ladies!.
Click to expand...
Yes, incredibly sexist to think that if there's a market, only the 'lady of the house' will be shopping there.
 
Keith&Co. said:
angelo said:
A very sexist joke. Remember ladies, it's a joke, and I love all women.
A blind man walks past a fresh fish market. As he's briskly walking along the sidewalk he exclaims: Good morning ladies!.
Click to expand...
Yes, incredibly sexist to think that if there's a market, only the 'lady of the house' will be shopping there.
Click to expand...
:D
 
A man was sulking because Tiddles the family Persian Blue had eaten the cold meat ham that he was intending to Have for his tea.
"What's the matter?" Asked his wife. " cat got your tongue? "
 
So, they finally decide to do another Reboot of the James Bond franchise. The Producers decide that they want Guy Ritchie to direct it.
Bond fans feel anxious that this might take the Bond character into a new and unpalatable direction. They saw Man From Uncle. So they hatch a plan.

Guy Ritchie wakes up in a dark, dank basement, tied to a chair. He can't move his head and all he can see is that in front of him, Sean Connery is also tied to a chair. Mr. Connery is still asleep. Ritchie starts shouting. For help, for release, for someone to explain just what is going on.

"Calm down, Guy," a voice says from somewhere behind his head. He can't see even a shadow of the speaker. "You're in no danger," it assures him. "We just feel that it's important, before you settle on a new main character for our favorite franchise, that you get to know The Real James Bond. Mr. Connery played the most perfect version of the character. Your efforts should not dishonor the ground-breaking work he represents."
Ritchie stares. Connery is drooling just a bit. He won't be waking up for a while.
"So, what?" Ritchie asks. He shakes his restraints. "You just expect us to talk?"
"No, Mr. Guy, I expect you to bond."
 
Keith&Co. said:
So, they finally decide to do another Reboot of the James Bond franchise. The Producers decide that they want Guy Ritchie to direct it.
Bond fans feel anxious that this might take the Bond character into a new and unpalatable direction. They saw Man From Uncle. So they hatch a plan.

Guy Ritchie wakes up in a dark, dank basement, tied to a chair. He can't move his head and all he can see is that in front of him, Sean Connery is also tied to a chair. Mr. Connery is still asleep. Ritchie starts shouting. For help, for release, for someone to explain just what is going on.

"Calm down, Guy," a voice says from somewhere behind his head. He can't see even a shadow of the speaker. "You're in no danger," it assures him. "We just feel that it's important, before you settle on a new main character for our favorite franchise, that you get to know The Real James Bond. Mr. Connery played the most perfect version of the character. Your efforts should not dishonor the ground-breaking work he represents."
Ritchie stares. Connery is drooling just a bit. He won't be waking up for a while.
"So, what?" Ritchie asks. He shakes his restraints. "You just expect us to talk?"
"No, Mr. Guy, I expect you to bond."
Click to expand...

Sigh :distress:
 
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson.

One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer.

After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner.

He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.

Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes.

After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.
They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance.
His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father shouts, 'Okay Okay...damn it, I'll do the dishes.'
 
Bloke walks into the doctors and says "I've got a problem with my hearing," the doctor says " what are the symptoms?" the bloke replies " they're a cartoon family with yellow heads!"
 
Woman goes to a doctor and complains she has pain everywhere she touches. Doctor tells her. : I see the problem. Your finger is broken.
 
A blonde walking along a pathway sees a banana peel in front of her. "On no"! She exclaims. " I'm going to slip again! "
 
A man walks into a doctor's office with a green frog sticking out of his ear.

"My god, what on earth happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well", says the frog, "It all started with this little growth on my leg..."


















The hair colour, race or nationality of the protagonists is unknown, although the frog was definitely green. If it makes you laugh louder, feel free to imagine that the doctor is a blonde Pole, or an Irish Jew, or a Welsh ovinophile...
 
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