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A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was trudging through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water he hurried towards it only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.” Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead…

“Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

 
A guy drives up to a fancy bar and starts to head inside for a drink. A bouncer at the door heads him off and says he can't come in without a necktie.

He goes back out to his car looking for a tie but the only thing he can find is a pair of jumper cables. He ties them into a nicely crafted double Windsor and stops at the bouncer to ask, "Is this OK?"

Bouncer says, "Okay, guess you can go inside. But don't start anything."
 
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now," he says. "It's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
 
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Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?

A: Newly-webs.



Q: Why do black widows always kill their mates right after sex?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
 
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I cant remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.........
At this point the husband started choking up.. . . .
Sergeant: Don't worry mate. We'll find your truck.
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, 'Mary, I won the prize for the Best toast of the night!'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
 
I didn't know they made light bulbs large enough to take two feminists.
 
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