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In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.” Suddenly, a mysterious Cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the Cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out his friend Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. Don't be scared, I've changed...


"I’ve found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian.”

 
Reminds me of the saga of Bus Driver Bob.

Bob's childhood hero was the driver of his school bus. He wanted nothing greater in life than the opportunity to drive a school bus. So he got through high school, college, went to bus driving school and everything. He went back to his childhood school's director of transportation, proudly showing his credentials and asking to drive one of the buses.

His elation was short lived. "I'm afraid all our routes are taken. It'll probably be a few years before one of our drivers decides to retire and a route opens up."

The dejected look on Bob's face was too much. The director said, "Hey, wait. There's one more route that you could have, but I gotta warn you it's a tough route. You have to drive the short bus and pick up special needs students. The bus isn't even yellow. It's white with a bunch of Sesame Street characters painted around the outside."

To his surprise Bob was delighted to take the route. "I'll be the best bus driver these kids ever had!!!"

Next morning he was out on his route right on time. He stopped at the first stop and two extremely large young girls were waiting. He excitedly opened the door and said, "Hello, I'm Bus Driver Bob! What's your names?"

At exactly the same time both girls answered and said "Patty."

"Which one of you is Patty?"

"We're both named Patty."

"Okay, well hop on the bus!"

The two girls got on the bus which visibly sank in the back as they sat down in the rearmost seats.

At his next stop was a very ordinary looking young boy waiting to be picked up. "Hello, I'm Bus Driver Bob! What's your name?"

The boy muttered something unintelligible. Bob repeated the question but the result was the same. At that point one of the Patty girls said, "His name is Scott. He doesn't talk well. Everyone calls him Special Scott."

"Okay Special Scott, hop on the bus!"

Special Scott got on the bus and sat in a middle row.

The young fellow waiting at the third stop looked like he'd spent all morning doing farm chores. He was wearing overalls and was a bit grimy. "My name is Bus Driver Bob! What's your name?"

"Lester Geez"

"Okay Lester, hop on the bus."

Lester got on the bus and sat in the chair just behind Bus Driver Bob. After a few minutes Bob heard a commotion and noticed an unpleasant smell. He looked in the mirror and saw that the girls were throwing a fit because Lester Geez had pulled his shoes off, propped one of his feet on the rail right behind Bob's head and began picking his bunions.

It was all Bob could take. He just drove back to the director of transportation's office, walked in and tossed the keys on the desk. "I thought I wanted this! I really did. But I'm sorry. I just can't take..."


"Two obese Patties, Special Scott and Lester Geez picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

 
A woman gets hired to do the accounting for a pet store. When she walks in the first day, a parrot in the window shouts: "Hey, lady, you're ugly."
She ignores it, but this repeats every day for a week.
More than a little upset, she complains to the manager about the hostile work environment. He promises her that it won' t happen again and proceeds to punish and threaten the bird. The next day, she walks in. The parrot is silent. She pauses, nothing happens. She goes back to the office.
At the end of the day, she's on her way out when the parrot whispers: "Hey! Lady! Guess what?"
She pauses. "What?"
Parrot: "You KNOW what."
 
Two old friends bump into each other in Bermuda.
"Hey!" the doctor says. "What are you doing on Bermuda?"
"Oh," his friend, the lawyer replies, "Remember that cruddy piece of wooded land I bought outside of San Francisco? Well, I couldn't sell it or develop it, but then a wildfire swept through it. I decided to take a vacation with the money from the insurance policy I had on it."
"Oh, that's too bad," the doctor said.
"Yeah, well. What are you doing here?"
"Similar thing. I had some cruddy land on the Mississippi Delta. A big hurricane blew in, eroded the entire island away in one night. So i'm here on the insurance money."
"Really," the lawyer said. He scratched his head. "Man, I can't even imagine how you'd start a hurricane...."
 
There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them.

He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn (which is not easy to find mind you).

The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife, his high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit.

She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".

Sadly, one day, a tractor he was having delivered fell off the back of the low-loader, and struck his wife.

She didn't die, until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words were, "don't blame the tractor", and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.

Sadly, he did blame the tractor; He hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul.

He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn.

He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. Whatever didn't burn was thrown into a woodchipper.

He then went inside, and became a recluse, rarely leaving his home for 8 years.

Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world (plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been flirting with him for a while now), so he took her out to dinner.

The restaurant he choose was quite nice: good food; good service; great decor.

But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing.

After noticing her discomfort, and trouble with breathing, he started breathing in.

I mean REALLY breathing in.

Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs.

Then, when the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night.

When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied:



"I'm an ex-tractor fan."

 
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? .... the old buggar had a paper route!"
 
To prove that a dog is truly man's best friend, lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for half an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
 
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliantscholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, Missus," he said "The wife says it's okay to paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
 
A prim lady goes into a pet store to buy a parrot. She tells the proprietor she wants one that can talk. He gives one saying "He has the best vocabulary". She takes him home and ask "Polly want a cracker"? The parrot answers "I'm not a damn girl". The lady apologizes and asks "Do you want a cracker?" to which the parrot answers "Fuck off". She is scandalized and takes the parrot back to the pet store and tells the proprietor the parrot has a potty mouth. The proprietor says "Next time he spouts off with foul language, just throw in the freezer for a couple of minutes. That will teach him." So she takes him home and asks "Do want a cracker". The parrot answers 'Fuck off, bitch". The lady grabs him, walks into the kitchen, opens up the freezer door, throws the parrot in and shuts the door. She watches the clock and two minutes later opens the door and takes out the shivering parrot. She ask him "Are you going to curse anymore"? The parrot says "Oh no, lady, I've learned my lesson. By the way, what did that chicken do?"
 
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say
 
Waking up on the eve of her birthday, a woman said to her husband : "I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"
" You'll know tomorrow," he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think about anything else all day, and couldn't wait for the following morning to arrive. As she sat up in bed on her birthday, her husband handed her a beautifully wrapped small package.

She opened it excitedly to find a book titled The Meaning Of Dreams.
 
Then there was the man who asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said: " Something to run around in would be nice."
So he bought her a tracksuit.
 
A mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession. As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

The mother was puzzled at first... she went to her kitchen and found the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'
The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size.' She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'

Mom took out her latest 'YOU' magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted...
 
A Sparky ('Electrician', the Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky ('Electrician', the Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Sparky, the Royalty of all Trades"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Sparky ('Electrician', the Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."
 
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the sudden urge, a diarrhea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" She asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
 
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