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Joke gallery

A woman was selling her pet python on eBay.

A fellow called and asked if it was big.

She said: "It's massive."

He said: “How many feet?"

She said:

"None, you dummy. It's a snake!"

 
A man in a Florida supermarket is trying to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asked to see the manager.

The boy says, "I'll ask my manager about it."

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager: "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada Sir", the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?", the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?", said the manager. My wife is from Canada.

‘No kidding', replied the boy. Who'd she play for?
 
My buddy told me, "For my wife's birthday, she said she wants to try anal sex."

I replied, "Well that's nice of her, that seems more like a gift for you."

He said, "Well yeah, but, can you tell me something? What is a 'strap-on'?"
 
A husband was late home from work one evening. " I'm sure he's having an affair. " said his wife to her mother.
"Why do you always think the worst?" said the mother. "Maybe he's just been in a car crash."
 
What does the fisherman magician say at the start of his act?
Pick a cod, any cod.

Why does the fisherman magician only work on yachts?
All his tricks need a deck.

What’s the fisherman magician’s best trick?
He pulls your cod out of the deck.
 
What do you get when you cross a tse-tse fly with a rock climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.




I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.




Four fonts walk into a bar and the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”





So I ate this chess set. My friend said "How was it?" I said "Stale, mate."
 
What's the last thing that goes through a dragonfly's mind when it flies into a car windshield on the interstate?

Its asshole.
 
Getting back to the fish jokes, just remember:

If you give a man a fish he'll eat for one meal.

If you teach a man to fish he'll waste all his spare time drinking beer on the lake and hardly ever catching anything.
 
Atheos said:
If you teach a man to fish he'll waste all his spare time drinking beer on the lake and hardly ever catching anything.
Click to expand...
That's not a joke.
That's my grandfather's epitaph.
His tackle box had fourteen flies, 23 lead weights, five can/bottle openers and two corkscrews.

A lot like Dad's golf bag...
 
In a desperate attempt to pass a final exam, the rich college kid clipped a $100 bill to his answer sheet, with a note saying: A dollar a point.

When it was returned to him, the only thing marked on the paper by the professor was a note saying: Good try!



....along with $60 change.
 
So another desperate college kid taking a test asked the professor, "What do you think is the answer to question 21?"

The professor looked at him disdainfully and said, "I don't think. I know."

The student responded, "I don't think I know either."
 
Another college joke.

A professor gave a final exam to his large class with a strict 45-minute time limit. After 45 minutes, the professor called, "Time! Pencils down!"

Most of the class groaned. It was a brutal final.

"Place your answer sheets in a stack here on my desk," said the professor. "Make sure your name is on the top of the front page, and they'll be graded by next week."

One by one the students filed down, put their answer sheets on the growing pile, and left the room.

Finally the professor noted that one young man was still in his chair, still scribbling furiously in his answer sheet.

"Time's up, young man!" the professor said. "You're out of time."

The young man continued to write.

"I said 'Pencils down', sir!"

After another minute, the professor scowled and said, "That's it! You've failed the test. You can leave immediately."

The young man calmly picked up his things, walked down to the professor's desk, and was about to lay his answer sheet on the pile.

"Don't bother," said the professor. "Your test won't be graded."

"Excuse me?" said the young man.

"You heard me," the professor said. "You've just flunked this class."

"Do you know who I am?" the young man said.

"What difference does it make?"

"I said, Do you know who I am?" the young man said louder.

"Boy," the professor said, "I don't know who you are, and I don't care to know, either."

"Good," the young man said.

Picking up half of the pile of answer sheets, he inserted his own answer sheet into the middle of the stack, then walked out of the classroom.

 
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