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More fishy jokes

Did you see the groper on the beach today?

I went to see the sturgeon today. He told he would organise a plaice for the operation.

I saw my friend today and asked what was the John Dory .
 
A man walks into a bar with an octopus.

"My octopus can play any instrument," he exclaims. "I'll challenge anyone at the bar to find an instrument he can't play. If he can play it, you owe me a drink. If he can't play it, I'll buy drinks for the entire town."

Since the piano is sitting right there, a few people challenge the octopus to playing it. The octopus sits down and starts playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata flawlessly.

Next they find a guitar, and the Octopus plays Tarrega's Recuerdos de la Alhambra.

They bring him a violin, and he plays Paganini's Caprice 24.

One instrument after another, the octopus can play it. The harmonica, the flute, the banjo, the bassoon - he can play them all. The whole town is abuzz with news of this octopus and his musical talents.

Finally a Scotsman walks into the bar one day. He's heard of this octopus from afar, and he brought his bagpipes with him for the challenge. He figures, even is the octopus plays them, it's worth buying the owner a drink just to see it.

He gives the octopus the bagpipes. At first, the octopus handles them very gently. He slowly wraps his tentacles around the pipes and puts his mouth up to them, but as he's about to play, he starts getting finicky. The expression on his face turns frustrated, and he starts twisting around and struggling with the bagpipes.

The octopus owner is getting worried. He sees the octopus getting all tied up in knots. He tries to encourage the creature. "C'mon, buddy. You can play it, right? Play those bagpipes. Just calm down, concentrate, collect your thoughts, and play."

To this, the octopus replies,

"Play it? I'm trying to get these stupid pajamas off so I can fuck it."

 
I don't like Ichthyologists. There's just something fishy about them.

There's something about entomologists that bugs me out.

Phlebotomists really get under my skin.

If you've never met a paleo-gastroenterologist, that's just as well. They're nothing but a bunch of old farts.
 
The mother of all fish jokes

Stop me if you've heard this one. It's been one of my favorites for probably 20 years now.

One day a priest was out on a lovely Friday morning fishing. Suddenly he hooked something really big. It took him several minutes to get it reeled in, but after a valiant struggle he managed to land it.

About that moment a villager happened to be strolling by. He whistled and said, "Wow, that is a really big son of a bitch!!!"

The priest looked up and the villager, seeing the clerical garb suddenly realized his faux pas. But he was a quick thinker and said, "Whoa, Father, I see that look on your face and you have a right to be offended. But what you don't know is that the species of fish you just caught is actually known as the Son of a Bitch. In this context the use of that term is appropriate."

Well the priest bought the story, blessed the villager and headed back to the monastery. As he is entering the gate the bishop notices the large, wrapped object slung over his shoulder and asked about it.

"Well, it's a really big Son of a Bitch!" said the priest. Of course the priest then had to explain about the fish's name. The bishop then whipped out a large knife and with a grin said, "Let me clean that Son of a Bitch!"

So the bishop is busy cleaning the fish when Mother Superior happens by from the convent across the way. "What are you doing Bishop?"

"I'm cleaning a really big Son of a Bitch."

The story of the fish's name was once again tendered, after which Mother Superior suggested, "Let me cook that Son of a Bitch!"

Wouldn't you know that this very evening they had a special guest to show up unexpected. The Pope himself arrived, so they hastily adorned the banquet hall and brought forth the freshly cooked fish with other trappings. Everyone gathered around to see what the Pope thought of the meal.

The Pope pushed back from his meal with a satisfied look. "I'd like to thank whoever was responsible for this sumptuous repast! It was indeed wonderful."

The priest immediately replied, "I caught that Son of a Bitch!"

The bishop interjected "I cleaned that Son of a Bitch!"

Mother Superior boasted, "I cooked that Son of a Bitch slowly all afternoon using a secret recipe that has been in my family for generations."

The Pope took all this in as silence descended for a moment. He took a sip from his wine glass, then looked up. With a grin he said, "You know ... you fuckers are OK!!!"
 
Achwienichtig said:
I don't like Ichthyologists. There's just something fishy about them.

There's something about entomologists that bugs me out.

Phlebotomists really get under my skin.

If you've never met a paleo-gastroenterologist, that's just as well. They're nothing but a bunch of old farts.
Click to expand...

Proctologists are a pain in the ass.

Vampires are a pain in the neck.

Cardiologists get to the heart of the matter.
 
... and constipated mathematicians work their problems out with a pencil.

- - - Updated - - -

Could mathematicians with diarrhea solve their problems with logs?
 
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from
 
After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.

"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.

My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.

"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.

"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."

Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, That's a Casio."

"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."
 
A zoo had a very rare gorilla and, having no mate, the gorilla pined and lost weight. The staff included a Redneck who was all brawn and no brain so they approached him and ask if he would have sex with the gorilla for $300. He paused for a good while and said " I'll do it but it will take me awhile to come up with the $300.
 
A priest goes to confession to the bishop.
P. --- Bishop, I used foul language.
B. --- Tell me the circumstances Father.
P. --- I went golfing with Father Murphy last Tuesday. It was on the seventh tee and I hit a beautiful drive straight down the middle of the fairway but it hit that overhanging power line and dropped straight down just 75 yards out.
B. --- Is that when you used the foul language?
P. --- Oh no, I was still under control. As I walked up, a squirrel ran out of the rough, grabbed the ball and scampered away.
B. --- Is that when you used the foul language?
P. --- Oh no, I was still under control. Just before it got to the bushes a hawk swept down grabbed the squirrel and flew away.
B. --- Is that when you used the foul language?
P. --- Oh no, I was still under control. The hawk flew straight down the fairway and when it was over the green the squirrel dropped the ball and it landed six inches from the cup.
B. --- Oh dear, you blew the Goddam MOTHER FUCKING putt, didn't you?
 
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
 
The Dyson Ball cleaner has a very misleading name. On the plus side the ambulance arrived very quickly.
 
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