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Joke gallery

After nine years of marriage, a wife suddenly announced: " I'm bored with our sex life. It's alwas the same. Why don't we try ' the other hole' ?"

" Yuk! No way!" exclaimed her husband. " And risk you getting pregnant?"
 
A man was sitting in a bar peering gloomily into the bottom of his glass. " What's up ?" asked the bartender.
" It's my girlfriend. You see, we had sex last night but I only lasted one minute. As I rolled off her, she said : " I want you to finish me off."
" And what's the problem?" asked the barkeep.
" I haven't yet decided what to do with the body."
 
An old man is sitting on a bus when a young man probably about 18 or so years old gets on the bus. The kid's hair is styled into a tall spike with a veritable rainbow of hues. He has several piercings and colorful tattoos on his face, arms and hands.

The old man stares for a bit. The young fellow ignores the stares at first but finally bursts out. "What's the matter old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your younger days?"

The old man responds, "Yeah, I supposed I did. I once fucked a parrot. I'm trying to figure out if we might be related."
 
True story. My wife came up with an idea for a restaurant to compete with Hooters only aimed at women. She would call it Peckers and the mascot would be a rooster.
 
A math major came home from a frat party at 3 AM.
Her parents were in the living room and livid. "You're late!" they said.
"I am not," she replied.
"It's 3! You said you'd be home at 11:45."
"No," she insisted. "I'm right on time. What I SAID was that I'd be home at a quarter of twelve."
 
Keith&Co. said:
A math major came home from a frat party at 3 AM.
Her parents were in the living room and livid. "You're late!" they said.
"I am not," she replied.
"It's 3! You said you'd be home at 11:45."
"No," she insisted. "I'm right on time. What I SAID was that I'd be home at a quarter of twelve."
Click to expand...

I recall being kept after school in the 6th grade for being late to a class:
"Why are you late?"
"Because the bell rang before i got here."

Grade school teachers can't handle the TROOTH!
 
It seems like everyone I meet chooses Superior or Ontario as their favourite Great Lake; but then one day I was chatting to a girl and she turned out to have the same favourite as me - I can tell you, it was Erie.
 
The man finally approached the head of the Australia Post queue to get a new photo for this passport.
"You have aged an awful lot since this last photo", the young assistant unkindly remarked.
"Yes", he replied, "That was taken at the start of your bloody queue"
 
Tigers! said:
The man finally approached the head of the Australia Post queue to get a new photo for this passport.
"You have aged an awful lot since this last photo", the young assistant unkindly remarked.
"Yes", he replied, "That was taken at the start of your bloody queue"
Click to expand...

In a similar vein, I have a beard, and my stock response when asked 'have you been waiting long', or told 'sorry for the delay', is to say 'I was clean-shaven when I came in'.
 
I decided to bite the bullet and sat my parents down and told them, in slightly gentler words, that I was a flaming queer.

Dad rose from the table with a face like thunder and walked, without a word, out of the room.

I was quietly dreading losing contact with the family I loved until he walked back in and handed Mum ten quid.
 
What's the difference between the Lawrence Welk show and a Moose?






The moose has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.
 
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