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spikepipsqueak

My Brane Hertz
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I was just told that the Mayor of Baltimore has asked people to stop shooting each other - because they need the beds.
 

Elixir

Made in America
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Mountains
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English is complicated
I was just told that the Mayor of Baltimore has asked people to stop shooting each other - because they need the beds.

I don't get it. Shouldn't he be begging them to aim better so every shooting frees up a bed?
 

Loren Pechtel

Super Moderator
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I should delete my version of 2020 and re-install.
Mine seems to have a bad virus.

Sounds like a plan. This should have been the year of perfect vision--but my eye doc tells me I have a small cataract!
 

George S

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Ah, yes, but there's a problem. 2020 version 2 is still in Beta testing. The NPC's are trying their best to figure it out. But, y'know, NPC's don't think particularly smart. We need a bit of reprogramming.
 

Tigers!

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On the wing waiting for a kick.
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Bible believing revelational redemptionist (Baptist)
A man rang his wife from the pub.
"Terrible news dear, Bert just been diagnosed with coronavirus. We have been restricted to the pub.
See you in 14 days."
 

Tigers!

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A couple more coronavirus jokes

My wife kicked me out of bed last night. Says she is practicing social distancing.

I will postpone my funeral until after COVID-19 is well and truly gone. I am certain that more than 100 people will wish to attend to make sure that I am truly dead.
 

angelo

Deleted
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Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
 

SLD

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. . . We are almost two weeks into self-isolation here in AL and it's very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her face. It breaks my heart to see her like this.

I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up. I've even considered letting her in. But rules are rules.
 

Tigers!

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I do not know about this home schooling lark.

After the 1st day 2 children were suspended for fighting and the teacher disciplined for drinking on the job.
 

angelo

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An oldie but a goody.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead. What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says: "OK. Now what?"
 

SLD

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Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife.

Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"

Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.

After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Pastor gets
annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.

Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago.”
 

angelo

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Since it's holy week........................Two nuns are riding their bicycles in a Roman village's cobbled street.

One of the nuns asks the other. " Do you often come this way?"

" No says the other, it must be the cobbles."
 

ideologyhunter

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Port Clinton, Ohio
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atheism/beatnikism
Two Jewish guys go to pick up their new suits from Pinkus the tailor. As they walk down the street, they take a good look at the suits and see a lot of ugly stitching that stands out all over. As two nuns pass them from the other direction, one guy says to the other, "Pinkus screwed us!!"
One nun says to the other, "I didn't know Jews spoke Latin."
 

Jayjay

Contributor
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5,991
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Finland
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An accurate worldview or philosophy
. . . We are almost two weeks into self-isolation here in AL and it's very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her face. It breaks my heart to see her like this.

I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up. I've even considered letting her in. But rules are rules.
Buy curtains?
 

James Brown

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Texas
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Shamelessly stolen:

No. of Recommendations: 19
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.

2019: You see a man in a store wearing a mask and think you are in danger.
2020: you see a man in a store not wearing a mask in a store and think you are in danger.

Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!

Just asked a 6-year-old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.

On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence.

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my home but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.

If you thought toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.

2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.

Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.

This cleaning with alcohol is total b.s. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.

Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.

My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!

Whoever owes you money, go to their house now. They should be home.

Is your car getting 3 weeks per gallon now? Mine is.

Its like being 16 again, gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Low gas prices during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush.

In a month, 88% of blondes will disappear from the earth.

“All those grandparents who are missing their grandkids now—once this over you can have them for a month.
Sincerely, a tired Mom.”

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors.
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

And just like that, our pastor became a televangelist.

Can we uninstall 2020?
This version has a virus.

Just a friendly warning. If people start hoarding coffee and I can’t get any, the body count will be staggering.

Mom, is that offer to slap me into next year still on the table?”

Powerball is up to an 18 pack of Charmin.

Let’s not tell some people when quarantine is over.

I’ve been trying to make hand sanitizer but it keeps coming out rum and Coke.​
 

George S

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Venice, FL
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antitheist anarchist
I am going to start a Procrastination Club!
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... someday.
 

SLD

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

angelo

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Western Australia
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Two politicians go out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch one of them jumps up and says, "Bugger. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

The other politician replies "No worries. We're both here."
 

angelo

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Surprisingly no one has posted a little Johnny joke for eons! Well, I'm here to fix that.

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
 

SLD

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I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
 

Tigers!

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More from the coronavirus desk

1. The Spanish King has been restricted to his plane during the duration of the pandemic. Now we can sing "The reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane".

2. I not bored at all during the isolation at home. I can tell you that the 2 bags of rice I brought, despite being supposedly identical, had 9764 & 9733 grains respectively
 

angelo

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Still on COVID

How the perception of people drinking at home has changed from 2019 to 2020. While last year people would consider you a looser, this year you suddenly become a good citizen.
 

angelo

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Still on COVID

How the perception of people drinking at home has changed from 2019 to 2020. While last year people would consider you a loser, this year you suddenly become a good citizen.

There. Fixed. But Looser if it meant he was a sailor.
 

angelo

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Still on medical humour.................................A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
 

C_Mucius_Scaevola

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A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
 

Keith&Co.

Contributor
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Far Western Mass
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Here.
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I'm here...
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
But not, apparently, speechless.
 

bilby

Fair dinkum thinkum
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The Sunshine State: The one with Crocs, not Gators
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Strong Atheist
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
But not, apparently, speechless.

That's easy for you to say.
 

angelo

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Poor Paddy again.......................................Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre.
Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.
A few mins later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.
"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.
"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! "So I took the bike.''
"Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fuckin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"
 

Keith&Co.

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I'm here...
A Navy commander has to deliver a sensitive document to one of the ships in pprt. Between one delay and another, he doesn't make it to the waterfront until Sunday, on a 3-day weekend.
He delivers the doc, leaves the vessel, and stops at a soda machine. Discovers that he doesn't have any cash.
Being the holiday, none of the snack bars or coffee shops are open, and no one is around.
So, just as he gives up and turns to go back to his car, a lone enlisted sailor comes by.
"Excuse me!" he calls. Gestures at the machine. "Would you happen to have a spare dollar?"
"Sure thing, buddy," the enlisted says, reaching into his pocket.
"Hold on," snaps the officer. "I am not your buddy. I am a COMMANDER. A senior commissioned officer. You will address me with the respect due my position. Do you understand me?"
The enlisted man has snapped to attention by now. "Sir, yes, sir."
"Alright. So, let's try this again. Do you have a spare dollar?"
"No, sir," the sailor replies, then salutes and marches off.
 

SLD

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A Navy commander has to deliver a sensitive document to one of the ships in pprt. Between one delay and another, he doesn't make it to the waterfront until Sunday, on a 3-day weekend.
He delivers the doc, leaves the vessel, and stops at a soda machine. Discovers that he doesn't have any cash.
Being the holiday, none of the snack bars or coffee shops are open, and no one is around.
So, just as he gives up and turns to go back to his car, a lone enlisted sailor comes by.
"Excuse me!" he calls. Gestures at the machine. "Would you happen to have a spare dollar?"
"Sure thing, buddy," the enlisted says, reaching into his pocket.
"Hold on," snaps the officer. "I am not your buddy. I am a COMMANDER. A senior commissioned officer. You will address me with the respect due my position. Do you understand me?"
The enlisted man has snapped to attention by now. "Sir, yes, sir."
"Alright. So, let's try this again. Do you have a spare dollar?"
"No, sir," the sailor replies, then salutes and marches off.

Damn, Keith, how many years did you serve without hearing that joke? I heard it in 1983
 

angelo

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
 
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