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Joke gallery

Atheos

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A middle-aged man is cruising the seedier streets downtown in his wood-panel station wagon. He stops at a light and a scantily clad young lady taps on his passenger side window. He rolls the window down and she suggestively asks, "Hey handsome, do you have anything hard you'd like me to take care of for you?"

"I sure do. How much do you charge?"

She smiles sweetly. "Are you a policeman?"

He answers, "No, just a regular guy with a job and a mortgage."

She winks and says, "For $500 I'll do anything you want."

"Anything? For $500? Hop in bitch, you're painting my house!"
 

Keith&Co.

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"Alright. So, let's try this again. Do you have a spare dollar?"
"No, sir," the sailor replies, then salutes and marches off.

Damn, Keith, how many years did you serve without hearing that joke? I heard it in 1983

Um...heard it 85, lived it 87, think it should be part of the curricula in every leadership course...
 

jonatha

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Keith&Co.

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Um...heard it 85, lived it 87, think it should be part of the curricula in every leadership course...

Did you frame the dollar?

The Tender had a cashier open during working hours. I was in line to grt cash, when a LT came by, insisting everyone who couldn't prove they were on night shift get the fuck back to work.
Five hours later, rode the twice-an-hour liberty launch to the pier, then walked down to the gate. Found the same LT patting his pockets. He had no cash for th e taxi to get home.
Looked around, 'can anyone loan me five pounds?'
'I would,' i got to say, 'but i never made it to the cashier.'
Damn, it felt good.
 

SLD

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Um...heard it 85, lived it 87, think it should be part of the curricula in every leadership course...

Did you frame the dollar?

The Tender had a cashier open during working hours. I was in line to grt cash, when a LT came by, insisting everyone who couldn't prove they were on night shift get the fuck back to work.
Five hours later, rode the twice-an-hour liberty launch to the pier, then walked down to the gate. Found the same LT patting his pockets. He had no cash for th e taxi to get home.
Looked around, 'can anyone loan me five pounds?'
'I would,' i got to say, 'but i never made it to the cashier.'
Damn, it felt good.

Was that the Holland or the Cable?
 

Keith&Co.

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The Tender had a cashier open during working hours. I was in line to grt cash, when a LT came by, insisting everyone who couldn't prove they were on night shift get the fuck back to work.
Five hours later, rode the twice-an-hour liberty launch to the pier, then walked down to the gate. Found the same LT patting his pockets. He had no cash for th e taxi to get home.
Looked around, 'can anyone loan me five pounds?'
'I would,' i got to say, 'but i never made it to the cashier.'
Damn, it felt good.

Was that the Holland or the Cable?
Hunley
 

angelo

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Ad spotted in my weekly bargain bulletin: “FOR SALE: Crestview cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”
 

SLD

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The Tender had a cashier open during working hours. I was in line to grt cash, when a LT came by, insisting everyone who couldn't prove they were on night shift get the fuck back to work.
Five hours later, rode the twice-an-hour liberty launch to the pier, then walked down to the gate. Found the same LT patting his pockets. He had no cash for th e taxi to get home.
Looked around, 'can anyone loan me five pounds?'
'I would,' i got to say, 'but i never made it to the cashier.'
Damn, it felt good.

Was that the Holland or the Cable?
Hunley

Holy Loch! Makes sense. No exchange. We probably crossed paths there as I was on the Monroe there that year.

Now back to our regularly scheduled joke:

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
 

James Brown

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Welp, this summer is shot. Might as well put up the Christmas decorations and call it a year.
 

ZiprHead

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Alabama teen pregnancy hits all time low as coronavirus halts family reunions.
 

ZiprHead

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.
 

angelo

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It's time for another Little Johnny joke..

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
 

ZiprHead

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101148634_1425657470966771_1633936697634848768_n.jpg

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I sang from my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….
 

Tigers!

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/not a derail
The shape suprises me.
In Australia in my neighbourhood in the 70s we started to remove septic tanks after the city was finally sewered.
My church set up a scheme to help the older members and those who could not afford it, a tank removal working bee.
We removed at least 2 dozen and all were cylindrical.
My rellies had these done to and I cannot remember any of that shape or non-cylindrical.
Cultural or manufacturing perhaps?
 

Elixir

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/not a derail
The shape suprises me.
In Australia in my neighbourhood in the 70s we started to remove septic tanks after the city was finally sewered.
My church set up a scheme to help the older members and those who could not afford it, a tank removal working bee.
We removed at least 2 dozen and all were cylindrical.
My rellies had these done to and I cannot remember any of that shape or non-cylindrical.
Cultural or manufacturing perhaps?

Looks like a 2-piece... never seen that either. When we built our current house I had an oversized tank (1800gal iirc) installed. It's oval and has two compartments and two access holes...
 

C_Mucius_Scaevola

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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Swan's season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold"
 

angelo

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An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
 

SLD

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A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
 

ZiprHead

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I sell pies out of my car. $10 dollars for a pecan pie, $8 for a key lime.

These are the pie rates of the car I be in.
 

hyzer

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So it was a real summer storm, a hot day with sudden wind, rain, and some hail too! But the dog really had to go out. The husband and wife argue, he says that the dog can wait, but the wife says the dog has to go, so she grabs her umbrella and the leash and takes the dog out. She barely keeps a hold of the umbrella and the dog, but the dog empties out and the wife is heading back when her umbrella suddenly inverts and water pours down her backside and into her shorts. The husband, standing at the door watching all this says upon her return . . . "well, you were determined come hail or hind water . . . . "
 

Tigers!

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I am so glad the kids are back at school.
It took me a while to get on top of their maths.
I think I got 3/4 right but the other .66666 had me stumped.
 

angelo

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Old Goat Quiz - Great mental exercise for the over- 60 crowd.
With which of the following names are you familiar?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
 

Loren Pechtel

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Old Goat Quiz - Great mental exercise for the over- 60 crowd.
With which of the following names are you familiar?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?

Because he's referred to as "The Pope" much more than he's referred to by name.
 

bilby

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Old Goat Quiz - Great mental exercise for the over- 60 crowd.
With which of the following names are you familiar?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?

Because he's referred to as "The Pope" much more than he's referred to by name.

If you don't know the Pope, then you don't know ALL the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters.

The Pope is certainly the first, and may well be one or more of the rest of these things.
 

angelo

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That reminds me of this classic.

Paddy was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery. He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whisky was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

He turned towards the priest and asked, “Father, what causes arthritis?”

“Well my son,” looking down his nose at the inebriated Paddy. “It's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I'll be damned!” Paddy muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, “I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
 

angelo

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What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.
 

angelo

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An oldie but a classic.................

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
 

SLD

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After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had".

Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.
 

angelo

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St. Peter.
He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and *poof!* she’s gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *poof!* she’s gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!'"
 
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