• Welcome to the new Internet Infidels Discussion Board, formerly Talk Freethought.

Joke gallery

The other day I shared an article with my wife about how men who have more sex live longer. So she went out and bought me a life insurance policy.
 
Shades of Rodney Dangerfield!

"This morning I was putting on my shirt and a button came off. Then I tried to pick up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm scared to death to go to the bathroom."
 
So, when the priest or pastor is chiding the congregation, but using his weekly sermon, not naming names, just leaving it up to the listener to figure out what they're doing wrong.... Is that being massive aggressive?
 
I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, there's an app for that.

It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

It works every time.

So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.

She was gorgeous!

Just as we were about to head out to the restaurant...


her phone rang. She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"

 
Went out to the movies with my wife last date night. I was watching the previews when she started tugging on my sleeve.
"There's a moose!"
I didn't think there'd be a moose on the next Star Trek movie so I said, "Not likely. Star Wars, maybe, but not-"
"No, not on the screen!" She points. Sure enough, two rows down, halfway across the row, there's a moose sitting in the theatre.
"What's he doing?" my wife asked.
"Looks to me like he's waiting for the movie to start, like we are."
"WHY is a moose watching a movie!?" she hissed.
She was making enough noise that the moose turned around to face her. "I liked the book."
 
Attorney: Why are you looking to be separated?

Wife: Because he won't stop making Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one.
 
13627219_1060038184116841_3448774780983011173_n.jpg
 
My son left one of his GI Joe action figures out in the yard. I didn't find it until I ran over it with the lawn mower...

Now it's a fraction figure.
 
What do you get when you cross a tse-tse fly with a rock climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.





My Lawn is chook proof.

It's impeccable.

 
The illusionist was tired of going through the same trap door every time in the routine.
His manager said it was just a stage he was going though.
 
I'm reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

At first I hated it, but by the end I couldn't put it down.
 
The Admiral found himself craving a candy bar and knew there was a candy machine in the building's entry. He walked down, only to discover that he didn't have any cash.
A seaman was walking past and the Admiral asked if had a dollar to spare.
"Sure thing, buddy," the seaman replied, reaching into his pocket.

The Admiral exploded. "Son, I am not your buddy. I am a full Admiral. I outrank the daylights out of you and you will treat me with the respect due to my uniform and my office."

"Yes, sir," the seaman said, standing up tall.
"Now," the Admiral repeated, "do you have a spare dollar?"
"Sir, that's a negative," the seaman repeated respectfully.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom