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Keith&Co.

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READ FOR COMPREHENSION! It's a dead baby FLOAT.
Saw a post by a guy that said, "My son asked me for a case of 'whatever soda it is they use for a root beer float.' This is the answer i give when grandma asks why he doesn't have a college savings account."
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
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ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
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I put up a high voltage fence around my house.

My neighbor is dead against it.
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
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A Priest, a Rabbit and a Vicar walk into a bar.

"What can I get you? asks the barman.

"Don't ask me." replies the Rabbit. "I'm only in this joke because of auto-correct."
 

Politesse

Lux Aeterna
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Why did Melania insist on taking the top floor at Mar-a-Lago, rather than the bottom?

Though accustomed to life as a public figure, after four years she's tired of seeing the con descending stairs.
 

ideologyhunter

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Two old-style formula jokes that were new to me:

A new priest begins his first confession with a nervous housewife. She says, "Father, okay. Last night my husband, well, he went up my backside, and I know it's a sin if it can't lead to procreation." The priest says, "Stay with me on this. I'll just be a minute." He exits his side of the confesssional and says to an altar boy, "What did Father Pat used to give for sodomy?" The altar boy says, "A Snickers and a forty of Colt 45."

Staying with Catholicism: three nuns troop into a liquor store and request a fifth of Scotch. The owner says, "I really don't feel right, selling liquor to the sisters." The first nun says, "This is medicinal, sir. Mother Superior has the constipation this evening." The owner says, "All right, then," and sells them the Scotch. He finishes up the night, locks the door, walks down the street, and sees the three sisters sitting on the curb, laughing, singing, totally trashed. He says, "And your story to me was, Mother Superior had constipation!" The first nun says, "That's right. And she's going to shit when she sees us!"
 

George S

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h/t Jack Benny

Two drunks are talking. The first says, "I got a poodle for my wife." After a long thoughtful pause the second says, "I wish I could get a trade like that!"
 

Keith&Co.

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I went to pick up dinner and saw a homeless lady slip on the ice and fall.

I mean, i assume she was homeless, she only had three dollars on her, all in coins.
 

James Brown

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I couldn't believe my luck today. I got gas for only 99 cents!

Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
 

Politesse

Lux Aeterna
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I feel like I could take down three penguins if I really had to. Wouldn't, though. They're supercute. And LGBT friendly. I would fully consider joining their invasion.
 

skepticalbip

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Everything we know is wrong (to some degree)

It isn't just your average tweeter. U.S. national news anchors on MSNBC have the same problem.



I was "ahead of him on the math" but didn't come to his conclusion. I just find it amazing that no one in the studio screamed at those anchors in their ear buds to "STFU, the tweet was unbelievable stupidity."
 

DrZoidberg

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skepticalbip

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Everything we know is wrong (to some degree)

It isn't just your average tweeter. U.S. national news anchors on MSNBC have the same problem.


I was "ahead of him on the math" but didn't come to his conclusion. I just find it amazing that no one in the studio screamed at those anchors in their ear buds to "STFU, the tweet was unbelievable stupidity."

Its a shame any of those have the vote.
Indeed it is. Unfortunately they have much more than a vote. They, the MSNBC anchor and New York Times editor he was interviewing, influence the political opinions of millions of people. The question I have is if they are both really that dumb or if they know better but are intentionally trying to sway millions of voters they think are that dumb.
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
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If anybody wants to sponsor me, I'm doing a 0.000000000002km run to raise awareness for laziness.
 

ideologyhunter

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A woman is driving her son to school and they get stuck behind a garbage truck. The truck goes over a bump and a dildo comes flying out and thumps on the woman's windshield. Totally embarrassed, she says, "Honey, did you see that poor bird?" The kid says, "How the hell does it fly with such a giant cock?"
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
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Frozen in Michigan
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A drunk man who smelled like hell sat down on a subway next to a priest:

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked. "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies. "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response. "Well, I'll be damned." Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered. "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
 
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