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Joke gallery

The assembly line making the "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls had ground to a stop. The stoppage was at the end of the line where a new hire had been instructed to give each doll "two test tickles."
 
The Australian parliament has decided not to have a nativity scene this year. Not because of any anti-religious sentiment but rather because they could not find 3 wise men. They could however find plenty of donkeys, sheep and cows.
 
On the first night Trump spends in the White House, he is visited by the ghost of George Washington. He asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, he is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. He asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. He asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."
 
Tigers! said:
The Australian parliament has decided not to have a nativity scene this year. Not because of any anti-religious sentiment but rather because they could not find 3 wise men. They could however find plenty of donkeys, sheep and cows.
Click to expand...

Yeah, the one in Arkansas got canceled because they couldn't find a virgin.

Which reminds me of the redneck son who came home to his parents after his honeymoon and said, "I had to deevorce her; I found out she's a virgin."

His father replied, "You done right, son. Any girl who ain't good enough for her own kin ain't good enough for you."
 
Veritass said:
Tigers! said:
The Australian parliament has decided not to have a nativity scene this year. Not because of any anti-religious sentiment but rather because they could not find 3 wise men. They could however find plenty of donkeys, sheep and cows.
Click to expand...

Yeah, the one in Arkansas got canceled because they couldn't find a virgin.

Which reminds me of the redneck son who came home to his parents after his honeymoon and said, "I had to deevorce her; I found out she's a virgin."

His father replied, "You done right, son. Any girl who ain't good enough for her own kin ain't good enough for you."
Click to expand...

So Santa comes down the chimley of my Arkansas shack, looks at my three sisters and says "Ho, ho ho..."
 
Maybe an oldie for some of you, but I just heard it, so bear with me ...

Old woman goes into the greengrocers, takes a look around and goes up to the counter.
"I'd like a pound of broccoli, please."
"I'm sorry, madam. We're clean out of broccoli, and we won't have any until the delivery tomorrow. How about something else? We've got some nice, fresh spinach. Maybe a pound of spinach?"
"Mmm ... well ... no, just the pound of broccoli, please."
"No, you don't understand. We won't have any broccoli until tomorrow. What about some runner beans?"
"No, thanks. Just a pound of broccoli."
"There's no broccoli! I can let you have some cabbage, or some Brussel sprouts?"
"No, I really want that broccoli, if you don't mind."
"Look, madam ... can you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophe'?"
"What? Well , sure ... C-A-T. But what's that got to do - "
"And can you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
"Of course, D-O-G, bu I don't see - "
"Just one more, madam. Can you spell 'fuck' as in 'broccoli'?"
"What? there is no 'fuck' in 'broccoli'!"
"That's what I'm trying to tell you!"
 
This reminds me of the time I used to work in a zoo, circumcising elephants. The wages were crap, but the tips were big.
 
What do you call that guy if he's at your door?

Mat.



What do you call him if he's under a pile of leaves?

Russel.



What do you call him if he's still under the leaves 6 months later?

Pete.



What do you call a woman with only 1 leg?

Ilene.




What do you call a Chinese woman with only one leg?

Irene



And the one that made me almost bust a gut the first time I saw it:

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms and no legs?


Nigger

 
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug!

Without the shovel? Douglas!

- - - Updated - - -

What do you call a Mexican without a car? Carlos

What do you call a Mexican win a car? Carona!
 
this one is pretty bad, sorry
what do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in the ocean?


fucked

 
C_Mucius_Scaevola said:
Maybe an oldie for some of you, but I just heard it, so bear with me ...

Old woman goes into the greengrocers, takes a look around and goes up to the counter.
"I'd like a pound of broccoli, please."
"I'm sorry, madam. We're clean out of broccoli, and we won't have any until the delivery tomorrow. How about something else? We've got some nice, fresh spinach. Maybe a pound of spinach?"
"Mmm ... well ... no, just the pound of broccoli, please."
"No, you don't understand. We won't have any broccoli until tomorrow. What about some runner beans?"
"No, thanks. Just a pound of broccoli."
"There's no broccoli! I can let you have some cabbage, or some Brussel sprouts?"
"No, I really want that broccoli, if you don't mind."
"Look, madam ... can you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophe'?"
"What? Well , sure ... C-A-T. But what's that got to do - "
"And can you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
"Of course, D-O-G, bu I don't see - "
"Just one more, madam. Can you spell 'fuck' as in 'broccoli'?"
"What? there is no 'fuck' in 'broccoli'!"
"That's what I'm trying to tell you!"
Click to expand...

That was good.
 
“There are two kinds of people in the world. People who can extrapolate from an incomplete set of facts and …”



“My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.”
 
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