The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so. "
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?
Mom and Dad are searching their son's room for marijuana. They dig through his closet and find a big stash of BDSM porn.
Mom says, "What do we do about this?"
Dad says, "I dunno, but we probably shouldn't spank him."
Old Percy is ranting. "I cut trees for 15 years. Folks don't call me Percy the Tree Cutter. I was a contractor for ten years after that. But they don't call me Percy the Contractor. But you fuck just one pig..."
Two long-time nursing home residents are in the sitting (and sitting...and sitting) room. Adele says, "I bet if you take out your cock, I can tell your age."
Harold looks at her, tugs at his chin, and finally takes it out.
She gives it a long look and says, "You're 92."
"How did you know that?!"
"You told me this morning."
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.
I hate Sprint!!
Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.
As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Ed awakes with a hangover. First thing he sees is two aspirin, a glass of water and a rose. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
Stumbling into the kitchen he sees a hot breakfast and the paper. He sees his son and asks, "What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home drunk. You broke some furniture, and you got sick in the hall."
"So, why do I have a rose and breakfast waiting for me?"
"Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "
Broken furniture -- $85.26
Hot Breakfast -- $4.20
Red Rose bud -- $3.00
Two Aspirins -- $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time -- Priceless.