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Joke gallery

This one is especially for someone who recently tied the knot. ;)

"How did your wedding go?" Phil asked his friend Mark when they met in the pub two weeks later.
"Yeah, it as okay, I guess," shrugged Mark. "You don't sound too convinced," said Phil.
"Well, it was just that Carrie couldn't wait to get home after the reception. I was hoping it was for a wild night of passionate sex, but it turned out she just wanted to change her relationship status on Facebook from engaged to married."
 
10% of women think their ass is too small.

30% of women think their ass is too big.

60% of women think their ass is okay and plan on keeping him around for the immediate future.
 
A political incorrect one.
Camilla confided to the Queen. " Every time I suck Charles penis, I get acid indigestion."

The Queen replied: " Have you tried Andrews?"
 
Maybe not quite as politically incorrect as this one, credited to the late, great Joan Rivers:

Princess Diana and the Queen are driving down the lane when their car is forced off the road by masked thieves. "Out of the car and hand over your jewels." After the thieves rob them and steal their car, Diana begins to put her earrings, necklace, and rings back on.

"Wherever did you hide those," demanded the Queen.

"Where do you think?" asked Diana.

"Pity Margaret wasn't here," said the Queen. "We could have saved the Bentley.
Click to expand...
 
Prince Charles arrived in Iran on a state visit and asked the president, " where's the Shah?"
The President looked puzzled. " What do you mean, sir? There is no Shah. We got rid of the Shah years ago."
"Very well, in that case I'll take a shower" said prince Charles.
 
Two guys from India arrive fresh off the boat in New York. Excited to sample American culture to its fullest they ask a cab driver, "What's the most American thing we could do?"

The driver responds, "I don't know, maybe go to a Yankees game, eat a hot dog..."

The guys decide to put that plan into action. But when they got to Yankee stadium they discovered that the game was sold out and scalper tickets were far more than they could afford.

So they went to a nearby hot dog vendor and discovered that they could each afford a hot dog.

Sitting down on a park bench each begins unwrapping his delicacy and takes a look. One looks over at the other and asks,

"What part of the dog did you get?"
 
Two old ladies were talking at bingo. One said to the other. " Did you come on the bus?" The other replied. " Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
 
You know you're getting old hen your wife yells at you "Come upstairs and make love to me!" and you answer back...


"I can't do both!"

 
A man goes to the doctor and tells him
"Doctor I have a"piece of lettuce caught in my backside"
Turn around and I'll have a look " he says
The doctor prods and um and ahs.
He says
"I have bad news. That's just the tip of the iceberg."
 
That reminds me.
Barack Obama once named Nobel Prize winning physicist Steve Chu as his energy secretary. Unless he was just sneezing.
 
Many people mistrusted Barack Obama because they said he wasn't a real American. One can see what they meant, after all, he's slim!
 
A refuse collector in Brisbane, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Wheres ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No, No, Mate! Wheres your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you! says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector with added emphasis, "You're misunderstanding me. Wheres your wheelie bin?" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collectors ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wifes sista!"
 
A 107 year old man was asked by a television interviewer what was the secret to his longevity.
" It's because I gave up sex, " he said.
" When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter.
" Fifteen years ago."
" I see," said the reporter. And why did you give up sex?"
" I had to. I like older women."
 
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