• Welcome to the new Internet Infidels Discussion Board, formerly Talk Freethought.
  • 2021 Internet Infidels Fundraising Drive
    Greetings! Time for the annual fundraiser.Sorry for the late update, we normally start this early in October. Funds are needed to keep II and IIDB online. I was not able to get an IIDB based donations addon implemented for this year, I will make sure to have that done for next year. You can help support II in several ways, please visit the Support Us page for more info. Or just click:

    I will try to track all donations from IIDB. Many thanks to those that have already donated. The current total is $778. If everyone dontated just $5, we would easily hit our goal.

Joke gallery

Gospel

Aethiopian
I regret to have to announce the news that Chuck Norris was hit by a bus last week.

Every passanger on that bus died.

(forgive me for the Chuck joke).
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
I phoned my Scottish boss this morning and said: "Sorry boss, I won't be able to come in today, I've got a bit of a cough".

He said: "You have a wee cough laddie?"

I said: "Ok cheers boss .. see you next week!"
 

laughing dog

Contributor
A hunter spends an entire day tracking a deer. He finally sees one and shots it while it is running. The deer keeps going, jumps over a fence into a farmer's yard and then drops dead.

The hunter opens the gate into the yard to get the deer when the farmer comes out his nearby barn and asks "What are you doing".
The hunter replies "i'm getting my deer that I shot".
The farmer says "It is on my property, so it is my deer. You cannot have it."
The hunter says "I spent all day tracking and hunting this deer. Surely there is a way we can come to some agreement about this."
The farmer thinks for a minute and replies "Let's settle this country style. We take turns kicking each other in the balls. Whoever gives up, loses the deer."
The hunter grimaces but agrees to the contest.
The farmer says "My property, I go first", and kicks the hunter in the balls.
The hunter screams in agony and rolls around on the ground for 20 minutes. Finally, he gets up and still gasping for breadth says "My turn".
The farmer says "Oh no, I give up."
 

SLD

Veteran Member
How do you know that the holy family was Jewish? Simple. She thought he was a god, and he thought she was still a virgin.
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
A 15-year-old boy with a red face brings a box of condoms up to the checkout counter. He mumbles to the cashier, "How much are these?"
She says, "Ten dollars, but don't forget the tax."
He makes a horrified expression and whispers,"I thought they just rolled on!"
 

C_Mucius_Scaevola

Veteran Member
189502448_3911489728888784_8937313623301340585_n.jpg
 

James Brown

Veteran Member
It's a paradox.

Tell a young man that he has a low sperm count, and he's mad and offended.

Tell the same young man that he can have all the sex that he can find without getting anyone pregnant, and he's thrilled.
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
Second grade. Mrs. Preston is teaching syllables.
"Who can tell us a long word and break it down for us?" A little boy's hand shoots up. "Yes, Cody?"
"Masturbation. Mas. Ter. BAY. Shun."
Teacher wants to get off the subject, so she gives a forced smile and says, "That is quite a mouthful."
"No, Mrs. Preston, you're thinkin' of a blowjob."
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
Q: How do you teach a class of little Sunday schoolers what Jesus is like, and how he loves us?
A: Get them seated, say, "Stay where you are, I'll be right back." Leave, get in your car, drive to the next state. Just keep driving.
 

skepticalbip

Contributor
Second grade. Mrs. Preston is teaching syllables.
"Who can tell us a long word and break it down for us?" A little boy's hand shoots up. "Yes, Cody?"
"Masturbation. Mas. Ter. BAY. Shun."
Teacher wants to get off the subject, so she gives a forced smile and says, "That is quite a mouthful."
"No, Mrs. Preston, you're thinkin' of a blowjob."

An improved punch line would be:
"No, Mrs. Preston. That would be fellatio... Fel-la-ti-o."
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
It's midnight when Wang Wei taps on his wife's shoulder to wake her up. "What's the matter?"
He winks and says, "Well...I want 69!"
She frowns and says, "You want beef with brocolli now?"
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
A little hillbilly girl runs in the house from playing with her friends. She says, "Ma, is it true what Dwayne says? He says babies pop out where the boys stick their wieners. Is that true?"
Her ma says "Yup."
"But won't that knock my teeth out?"
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
Harkins is showing his boss his new ad poster for the Tite-Grip Nails account. He puts the poster on the easel and it shows Jesus on the cross with a smiling centurion in the foreground, saying, "With Tite-Grip Nails, it stays up!"
"Harkins, are you out of your fucking mind? We'll be killed if we run with this. The Christians will have our ass. I'd fire you now, but I have no one else to work this account. Now get me another poster, and you better have no Romans crucifying Jesus!"
The next day Harkins is ready with a new poster. This one has an empty cross, and Jesus running across the hills in the distance with a pack of centurions chasing him. An angry centurion is in the foreground, saying, "We should have used Tite-Grip Nails!"
 

James Brown

Veteran Member
Did I tell you? My buddies all pitched in and got me a sweater for my birthday.

The only problem is, what I asked for was a moaner or a screamer.
 

bilby

Fair dinkum thinkum
So, can you explain this gap in your CV?

Oh, that's when I went to Yale.

Yale? That's very impressive. I'm a Harvard man myself, but I will try not to hold it against you.

Thanks. I really need this Yob.
 

Keith&Co.

Contributor
So, a woman is on a business trip. Scheduling failures end up with her having to spend a three-day weekend in her hotel.

Bored, lonely, frustrated, she comes across an ad for an escort service. It hits her just right. She dials the number.

A man answers, "Can I help you?"

"I want an escort," she says. "I want him for all day." She proceeds to list all the things she wants to do, and to have done to her, the accessories to bring, the lubricants, the marital aids. "And price is no object," she finally finishes.

After a moment, the voice says, "Okay. Um, you know you have to dial 9 for an outside line, right?"
 

bilby

Fair dinkum thinkum
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?


Well, I am very glad you asked me that, and I will get to it in a minute, but what I am hearing from voters is that they would like to know why the bulb was left unchanged for almost five years by the previous government. Despite our party having taken all of the necessary steps, including securing budgetary authority to make the change during our previous term in office, it's quite clear that they simply wasted the opportunity presented, and caused unnecessary hardships to many working families in marginal constituencies. By contrast, our administration has a clear policy direction that will result in measurable gains in total lightbulbs changed in real terms, within the first few years of our term in government, a commitment that our opponents not only could not make, but could not come close to meeting. The number of bulbs changed per fiscal year, when adjusted for inflation, has been lower during the last four terms of office by our opponents than in any of the last three quarters, during which I and my good colleague the Minister for Electrical and Lighting Affairs have made significant progress in repairing the clear harm done to working families and decent, law abiding, citizens of our great nation, who are frankly sick and tired of inaction and needless red-tape from successive administrations mismanaged by our opponents. So to answer your original question, let me firstly point out that... Oh, sorry, are we out of time?

 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
A classy lady walks into the doctor's office. She's got on Prada spike heels, a slinky black Italian v-neck dress, silver earrings, and she has foxy dip-dyed hair. She says, "Doctor, I was bitten yesterday by some stinging insect, but I just can't tell you where. I would be totally embarrassed."
The doctor says, "Let me set your mind at ease. Whatever you tell me in this office is kept in strictest confidence. Now, where exactly were you bitten?"
Her eyes widen, she takes a deep breath, and whispers, "WalMart..."
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
On to dick jokes:

Confucius say man who go through airport turnstile sideways with erection is going to Bangkok.

Doctor: Now, Dan, just relax, and you won't get an erection during the prostate exam.
Patient: I'm Mark.
Doctor: Right. I'm Dan.


What's the hardest part about attending Trump's funeral?

Your boner.

 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
A woman says to her doctor, "I'm having the weirdest symptoms, and they don't make sense at all. Lately when I wake up, I have postage stamps from Honduras in my vagina. Here's one, so you know I'm not making this up."
The doctor looks at it and says, "That's the sticker off a banana."
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
The Australian Psychics and Clairvoyants recently held their 2021 AGM.

First item on the agenda was the reading of the 2022 AGM minutes.
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
A deaf couple is having a conversation. She signs, "Honey, we're not communicating our personal needs. You know why? We can't sign each other with the lights off. So do this. If the lights are out and you wish to have sex, reach over and give my left boob a little yank. If you do not wish to have sex, give my right boob a little yank."
He signs back, "That's brilliant! And if you wish to have sex, reach over and give my dick a little yank. If you do not wish to have sex, give it fifty or sixty little yanks."
 
  • Like
Reactions: WAB
Top Bottom