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Joke gallery

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
 
A Cape Bretoner walked into a crowded local bar, waving his Colt 45
with an 8 shot clip and yelled,

"Who the hell in this place has been screwing my wife?"

A Newfie from the back of the bar yelled back,

"You're gonna need more ammo!"




A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced after work.

His wife begins screaming at him as his friend sits down and listens in.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!!
Why the hell did you bring him home?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married..."
 
spikepipsqueak said:
A Cape Bretoner walked into a crowded local bar, waving his Colt 45
with an 8 shot clip and yelled,

"Who the hell in this place has been screwing my wife?"

A Newfie from the back of the bar yelled back,

"You're gonna need more ammo!"




A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced after work.

His wife begins screaming at him as his friend sits down and listens in.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!!
Why the hell did you bring him home?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married..."
Click to expand...
:lol:
 
Are Irish jokes ever going to end?.........................:D

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel." Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?" The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says, 'That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw,' you hit her with the shovel."
 
What is the bride thinking when she walks down the aisle?

"No more blowjobs.
 
I met a man the other day who had a steering wheel strapped to his crotch. I told him that it looked uncomfortable. "Yeah," he said, "it drives me nuts."
 
There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
 
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"
 
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that. Why was she out of the house in the first place.
 
Being a Vet is an honourable profession, apparently well paid ???

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, but $1,000 is a lot of money. Are you sure you can afford this?"

The elderly woman answered, "Oh, yes! He sends me $10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.

"Where does he practise?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
 
gmbteach said:
Being a Vet is an honourable profession, apparently well paid ???

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, but $1,000 is a lot of money. Are you sure you can afford this?"

The elderly woman answered, "Oh, yes! He sends me $10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.

"Where does he practise?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
Click to expand...

:slowclap::lol:

- - - Updated - - -

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"
 
angelo said:
gmbteach said:
Being a Vet is an honourable profession, apparently well paid ???

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, but $1,000 is a lot of money. Are you sure you can afford this?"

The elderly woman answered, "Oh, yes! He sends me $10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.

"Where does he practise?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
Click to expand...

:slowclap::lol:

- - - Updated - - -

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"
Click to expand...
:slowclap::lol:
 
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says.. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says 'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy says:
"Because I'm the f---ing goal keeper !!!"
 
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