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Joke gallery

Irish jokes hey.......................

After hearing that one of his staff in a mental hospital had saved a patient from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed staff nurse Murphy's' file and called him into the office.
"Mr Murphy, your records show your heroic behaviour and I will recommend you for a promotion" he said "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Said Murphy, "I hung him up to dry
 
So, a cavalry officer was given his last post before retirement. They put him in charge of the fort that watched over an Indian reservation.
It was part of the Colonel's routine to ride his horse on a little patrol each day, checking on the area around the fort. part of the tour was a ride though the main village of the reservation.
Every morning, he rode past the Chief's home. And every morning, the Chief sat in front of his home. And every morning, the Chief gave the Colonel the bird. In a slow, stately gesture, the Chief would present his fist, then raise one finger to the sky, then, after a moment's pause, rotate the hand so that the middle finger was horizontal. Then he lowered his hand.
The Colonel ignored him. Didn't want to raise a fuss, though he did think the gesture curious.
Day after day, year after year. Finally, the Colonel's tour, and his career, were over. On the last day, his last patrol, he pulled up in front of the Chief's home. "Chief," he said, "I have to ask. I understand what the finger means when you give it to me. But why do you then turn it?"
"I don't like your horse, either."
 
That reminds me of this Lone Ranger one.

The Lone Ranger and his Indian friend are walking through the desert When the lone ranger exclaims ''I'm starving wheres that herd of cow you promised '' Then the indian put his ear to the ground and shouts out ''buffalo cum'' And the Lone Ranger replies ''How on gods earth did you know that'' ''Ear stuck to ground '' He says
 
A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”
The Scotsman replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


Scotsman driving home from England, and an Englishman driving home from Scotland crash head on at the border, both stagger shaken but unhurt from the wreckage. The Scotsman gets a bottle of whisky from the boot of his car, and says "You know we are both lucky to be alive after that, I think its a sign from god that we should put our stupid rivalries behind us, will you have a wee drink with me?" The Englishman smiles and takes the bottle and knocks back half of it in one go then hands it to the Scotsman who shakes his head and says "Nah, think I'll just wait for the police to arrive."


A Glasgow woman goes to the social to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant?
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "
"No..." says the girl "it's great because if they're out playing in the street, I just have to shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
 
McNamara took his mule to the vet only to discover that the mule only had a week or two to live and just sell her to the knackers for 10 guinea.

McNamara quickly put an advert in the Daily Mirror of a raffle for a mule. Just one pound a ticket, drawing in two days. Two hundred had bought tickets and the winner got his mule. The mule, of course, expired on schedule and the winner complained and Mac said, "So sue me." Judge O'Hara ruled that the winner was due damages in the amount he had lost -- 1 pound.

The winner got his 10 from the knackers and was 10 ahead.

Everyone was happy.
 
An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."
 
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar..
Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"


Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.
Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."
 
Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobbled road when one says to the other. " do you often come this way? the other replies: " no it must be the cobbles."
 
A student nurse was rotated from the Emergency Room to Pediatrics. The first night, she was told to set up an infusion tray for a doctor, to start a scalp IV on an Infant.
She diligently set it up the way she'd been trained and delivered it.
The doctor was satisfied and the procedure went well.
Then Doc held up the tourniquet and asked, "And just where did you think I was going to use this?"
 
Why did do all the girls disappear with that old guy. All he does is sit at the table and lick his eyebrows?


They're probably out of batteries.

 
True Story:
A lady was a contestant on Groucho Marx's live game show "You bet you life". Groucho asks her what she does. She responds "I am a housewife and I have 8 kids". "8 kids?" exclaims Groucho. The lady responds "Well, I love my husband." Groucho responds "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."
 
Dog's Philosophy

If you can't eat it or fuck it or sleep on it, piss on it.
 
A New York family wants to put Grandpa in a nursing home, but all the city's facilities are full. So they decide to put him in a highly touted home in Mississippi. After a few days, they call him.
"How do you like it so far?" the grandson asks.
"It's wonderful," he says. "Let me tell you about the friendly residents here.
"There's a musician who hasn't played the violin in 30 years, but everyone still calls him Maestro.
"There's a physician here who hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years, and they still call him Doc.
"And me, I haven't had sex for over 20 years, yet everybody still calls me the Fucking Yankee."

- - - Updated - - -

A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."
 
Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the
door and opens it to see a man standing there.

He asks Sally, 'Do you have a vagina?' Shocked, she slams the door in
disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door & it is the same man. He
asks the same question 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and
concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case
this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door & both run for the door..
The husband whispers to the wife, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door
& listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question
because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods to her husband
and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question. 'Do you have vagina?''

"Yes' she says.

The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start using yours?'
 
bilby said:
An Irishman was being interviewed for a job as a builder's labourer.

- "Can you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder?"

- "To be sure, Joyce wrote 'Ulysses', and Goethe wrote 'Faust'".
Click to expand...
Would go over far too many people's head.
 
What do you call someone who steals a lot?


a kleptomaniac




What do you call someone who likes sex a lot?


a nymphomaniac



What do you call someone who likes steal and have sex at the same time?


a fucking thief!

 
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."


"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!
Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked,
too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger.

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off
to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "If I'm very careful I
think I can save you a grand here......"
 
Two Greek anarchists are making molotov cocktails. One says to the other: "So who will we throw these at then?" The other replies: "What are you, some kind of fucking intellectual?"
 
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