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Joke gallery

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
 
angelo said:
Q. What's the difference between a tornado and a wife?

A. They both blow and take your house.
Click to expand...

Kinda like the one that goes

Q. What do Tornadoes and Redneck Divorces have in common?

A. Either way someone is losing a trailer


And a random one

A drum kit falls off a cliff......Ba Dum Tisch
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
 
Four doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a radiologist, a surgeon and a pathologist. As they park their cars at the lake, near the blind, a Ranger shows up. He reminds them that while ducks are in season, this lake is near a bird sanctuary and not everything living on the sanctuary is a duck. So they need to be careful about what they shoot.

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." He opened a bird-guide and studied it. By the time he was sure, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, it was the radiologist’s turn. He took a picture of the bird, then opened the bird guide. And the duck (as he finally determined) made its escape.

Finally, a third fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! One shot, on target, the bird fell like a stone. The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him and said. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
 
A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall, he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going up. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" The man replies, "No, you know anything about dynamite?"
 
What do you call an Irishman who lies in front of a fire?

Matt




What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony
 
How many guys does it take to change a light bulb in the friend zone?

None. They stand around politely waiting for the bulb to notice them and then get mad when it won't screw in.
 
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of our local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the Chief Financial Officer of the hospital and said "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" " A h, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete Dick."
 
Going through old emails I found this.



Conscripting blokes over 50


I am over 50 and the Defence Force thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arseup. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old blokes. You shouldn't be able to join a defence unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old blokes only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young blokes haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old blokes always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical arsehole."

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Training would be easier for old blokes.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty sheila. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. He still hasn't worked out that below-the-hip jeans or shorts will trip him up one way or another. But who said it looks good anyway? Duuuuur

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old farts track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting women over 50...in menopause!!! You think men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on boat people border patrol in West Aus....they will have it secured the first night!



Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
 
spikepipsqueak said:
Going through old emails I found this.



Conscripting blokes over 50


I am over 50 and the Defence Force thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arseup. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old blokes. You shouldn't be able to join a defence unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old blokes only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young blokes haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old blokes always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical arsehole."

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Training would be easier for old blokes.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty sheila. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. He still hasn't worked out that below-the-hip jeans or shorts will trip him up one way or another. But who said it looks good anyway? Duuuuur

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old farts track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting women over 50...in menopause!!! You think men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on boat people border patrol in West Aus....they will have it secured the first night!



Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
Click to expand...

Can't uprep you unfortunately - but stealing it for FB. :P
 
Came across this one, heh, not sure if the Pope would be quite so magnanimous.

Darren Lockyer, the Pope, Kevin Rudd and a school boy were all on the same airplane when the engine failed and they realised there was four of them but only three parachutes.

Darren Lockyer got up and said, I am a sporting superstar and must live so that I can continue my career to beat the Kiwis and the Poms in the tri-nations series. He grabbed a parachute and jumped off the plane.

Kevin Rudd got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever had and I have to live to continue to govern the country.

Then the Pope said to the school boy, well I am old and have lived my life so you should take the last parachute.

The school boy replied, “No, it's ok, the world’s smartest Prime Minister just took my school bag so there’s one for each of us!”
 
DBT said:
Came across this one, heh, not sure if the Pope would be quite so magnanimous.

Darren Lockyer, the Pope, Kevin Rudd and a school boy were all on the same airplane when the engine failed and they realised there was four of them but only three parachutes.

Darren Lockyer got up and said, I am a sporting superstar and must live so that I can continue my career to beat the Kiwis and the Poms in the tri-nations series. He grabbed a parachute and jumped off the plane.

Kevin Rudd got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever had and I have to live to continue to govern the country.

Then the Pope said to the school boy, well I am old and have lived my life so you should take the last parachute.

The school boy replied, “No, it's ok, the world’s smartest Prime Minister just took my school bag so there’s one for each of us!”
Click to expand...
9/10 :)
 
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
 
Old George responds: Experience counts. We use more than just our muscles; we use our minds. We know things the teenager only dreams of. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Menopausal women, oh, my. Lions and tigers and bears are better. And if she likes giving orders, give her more of her kind. Leave the teenage boys and girls at home to be teenage boys and girls under parental supervision.
 
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door..

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
 
gmbteach said:
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door..

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
Click to expand...
Hahaha. That's going the long way around it. :p
 
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, "Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
 
The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.







Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But
we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'





Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'
 
I understand your anger against me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?





They say nothing is impossible. I really feel like doing the impossible today.










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