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Joke gallery

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
 
Four doctors went duck hunting.

The game warden drove up when they parked, reminded them tgat they were very close to a wildlife preserve, and they should be very careful about shooting only ducks that were in season, nothing protected.

First bird flies over the blind, the radiologist took a picture as it flew by, then picked up a birdwatcher manual, promising to tell them if it was a duck in about twenty minutes.

The next bird flew over. The immunologist fired his gun straight into the sun. Missed the bird by a mile. "Figure to start with generic approach," he shrugged, "see how it responds, then take better aim."

Third bird flies by, the surgeon pops up and shoots it. Then he turned to the pathologist. "Go look that over, make sure it was a duck."

The doctor who just treated me for pneumonia had never heard that joke. She said it was so funny she was going to tell her pathologist husband...
 
Warning, politically incorrect joke............................Why are Mexicans so short?

Because when they're young, their parents say: " When you grow up, you have to get a job."
 
A little old lady wandering through the park decides to take a little rest and sits down on a park bench. From the next bench over, she can't help hearing an argument between two men.

"It's W-H-O-O-M, I'm telling you!" says the first man.

No, no, no, it's W-O-O-M-P," says the second.

Back and forth they go for about five minutes, each insisting on his own spelling. Eventually, the little old lady can take no more, and she gets up and toddles over to the other bench.

"Gentlemen," she says, "I couldn't help overhearing your argument, but I think I can settle it for you. The correct spelling is W-O-M-B."

"Oh, really?" says the first man. "And when did you ever hear a hippopotamus fart under water?"
 
An 18 year old girl tells her mom she hasn't had a period in two months. Worried, her mom goes to the drug store for a pregnancy test. Sure enough the test reveals the young lady is pregnant.

"Who was this pig who did this to you!?!" her mother started screaming. Dad sat by silently, in shock.

The girl pulled out a cell phone and made a call. The dialog went back and forth for a few minutes but as she hung up she said, "I guess we'll see you in a minute."

"He's on his way over and will be here soon."

As they look out the living room window a brand new Lamborghini pulls into the drive. A distinguished looking man with pepper gray hair gets out and knocks on the door. They let him in and all of them sit around the kitchen table.

"I cannot marry your daughter because of my family situation. But I will take good care of her and the baby. If a daughter is born I will provide her with a $4 million trust fund and anonymously pay $10,000 a month in child support to your daughter until the girl is 18. If a boy is born I will provide him with a $2 million trust fund, an anonymous payment of $10,000 per month in child support, and when he is 18 years old he will receive one of my factories, which now generates over $1 a year in revenue."

He grew silent for a moment. "What do you think I should do if there is a miscarriage?"

The girl's father stood up resolutely and placed his hand on the man's shoulder. "You fuck her again!"
 
A wee selection of one-liners from Billy Connolly ...

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"

A lot of people say its a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer "fuck".

One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks.

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they cant have a headache and sex at the same time?

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
 
Speaking of rottweilers.................Q, what do you do if a rottweiler starts humping your leg?

A, you wait until he's finished.
 
A few days before Thanksgiving a man calls his daughter, who lives in another state, on the phone and yells that he and her mother had had enough of each other and they were getting a divorce. He told her not to call him or his wife back because there was nothing either she or her brother could do or say, it was over. and he hung up the phone.

The daughter frantically calls up her brother, who lives in an entirely different state and tells him what their father had told her.

After hanging up with his sister the brother quickly calls his father and tells him. "Dad don't you or mom do anything. both me and my sister are flying down there tomorrow and we are going to get to the bottom of this" and hangs up.

The father turns to his wife, who's seated beside him shaking her head in disbelief and says" Well the kids will be here for Thanksgiving and this time they will be paying for their own flight."
 
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I had just finished the pizza that had been delivered.
My wife came in and saïd "I don't want to bother you you but that pizza was delivered by our financial advisor."
 
A wife is always safest telling a secret to her husband.
He won't tell anyone because he won't remember it as he wasn't listening.
 
I booked a table for my 20th wedding anniversary.
I don't know if the wife will be too happy.
She is not terribly fond of billiards.
 
Are blonde jokes still politically correct?

A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, 'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied, 'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'
 
angelo said:
Are blonde jokes still politically correct?

A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, 'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied, 'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'
Click to expand...

I guessing in Australia when you say 'wearing an Alaskan' you mean 'wearing a parka', and what you call a winter coat I'd call a light jacket.
 
Arctish said:
angelo said:
Are blonde jokes still politically correct?

A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, 'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied, 'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'
Click to expand...

I guessing in Australia when you say 'wearing an Alaskan' you mean 'wearing a parka', and what you call a winter coat I'd call a light jacket.
Click to expand...

Nobody in Australia has ever said 'wearing an Alaskan'. I have no clue what it means, other than from context it must be a kind of coat. I am guessing that angelo has pinched this verbatim from a non-Australian source.

I can confirm that in Queensland at least, 'winter coat' means 'light jacket'. Sometimes if there's a real cold snap here, you will even see people wearing long trousers.
 
bilby said:
Arctish said:
angelo said:
Are blonde jokes still politically correct?

A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, 'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied, 'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'
Click to expand...

I guessing in Australia when you say 'wearing an Alaskan' you mean 'wearing a parka', and what you call a winter coat I'd call a light jacket.
Click to expand...

Nobody in Australia has ever said 'wearing an Alaskan'. I have no clue what it means, other than from context it must be a kind of coat. I am guessing that angelo has pinched this verbatim from a non-Australian source.

I can confirm that in Queensland at least, 'winter coat' means 'light jacket'. Sometimes if there's a real cold snap here, you will even see people wearing long trousers.
Click to expand...

Has footwear in Qld developed beyond callouses and thongs?
 
Doctor: You're going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you.
 
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