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Joke gallery

A man arrived in a country town looking for work.
The hardware store had a sign that said "Cast Iron Sinks."
The man said, "Shucks, everybody knows that."
 
A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”

“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”
 
Botox just turned seventeen. Don't look surprised.

Sent from my LG-K373 using Tapatalk
 
A skunk, deer and a duck when to a restaurant.
The time came to settle the debt.
The skunk didn't have a scent.
The deer had no bucks
They put it all on the duck's bill.
 
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
 
A man with no arms walked through the alpine village and into the church. Walked up to the priest and said, "I want to be the bell ringer."
"But," the priest protested, "You've got no arms!"
"Not a problem!" the man shouted, then ran for the steeple and charged up the stairs. The priest gave chase. WHen he got to the top of the stairs, the man was standing to one side of the great bell, and began smashing his face against it.

The priest paused, mouth agape, as the bell began to ring. Loud, clear, perfectly timed, the chimes rolled out across the village, the valley, the tarns... "You've got the job!" he shouted.

"Really?" THe man paused, smiling happily. But he didn't move away from the bell. The edge smashed his hip and threw him out the window to the street far below.

When the priest reached the street, a crowd surrounded the dead man. "I didn't even get his name," the priest said. "Anyone know who he was?"

"I don't know the name," the butcher said. "But his face rings a bell."
 
A month later, a second man (with no arms) showed up at the church. He announced, "My brother died ringing your bell. As a matter of family honor, I will serve in his place."

"Ah, well,..." the priest groped for a reply Too late, the armless man ran up the stairs. He proved to have the same technique, smashing his face into the bell to ring it. He also had the same poor situational awareness. WHen the priest begged him to stop, the bell hit him even harder, throwing him ACROSS the street below to land in the courtyard beyond.

"I didn't get his name, either," the priest moaned.

"Well," the baker said, "he's a dead ringer for his brother."
 
Not a week went by before a third brother showed up. No arms, face-planting bell ringing.... Same fatal weakness in the attention span.

This time, though, the bell clipped him in the opposite direction. He landed on the church roof, skidded across, shot out over the tarn (mountain lake), and landed in the water. Might have survived if he could swim, but, you know, no arms...

They dragged the body up onto the gravel beach. The priest looked down at the dead body and sighed. "I hope he doesn't have any more brothers."

"Probably not, Father," the banker said. He pointed down at the corpse. "Third chime's the tarn."
 
Speaking of no arms and legs.................. Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?

A. It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
 
angelo said:
Speaking of no arms and legs.................. Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?

A. It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Click to expand...

Silly, you call him "Cigarette." Even if he can't come when you call him you can always take him out for a drag.
 
It's time for a little Johnny joke.

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
 
If Cthulhu can be summoned by humans who are so far beneath it, why can’t humans be summoned by ants?

The answer is, they should be.

I mean, come on. If a bunch of ants formed a circle in my living room, I’d certainly notice, try to figure out where they’d all come from, and possibly have some fun with them. Imagine how impossible it would be to not go take a look if the circle of ants started chanting your name.

And they’re like, "You can’t leave because we drew a line made of tiny crystals - now you have to do us a favor".

And you’re thinking, let’s just see where this goes, so you say, "Okay, you got me… what’s the favor?"

And usually the favor is something like "kill this one ant for us" or "give me a pile of sugar" and you think… okay? And you do, because why not, it isn’t hard for you and boy is this going to be a crazy story to tell, all these ants chanting your name and wanting a spoonful of sugar or whatever.

And sometimes you get asked for things you can’t really do. One of them, he’s like, "I love this ant but she won’t pay any attention to me, make me important to her" and you’re wondering… um? how? So you just kill every ant in the colony except the two of them, ta-da! problem solved! And the first ant is like *horrified whisper* "what have I done?"
 
Beans, beans the musical fruit
The more you eat the more you toot
The more you toot the better you feel
So eat some beans with every meal
 
Ask not what you can don for your country, ask what you can do for Trump.
 
angelo said:
Warning, Not Politically Correct joke......................
.Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Click to expand...

Interesting. Apparently someone tried to update the racism in that joke to make it about Muslims. The original version I heard 30 years ago was about a native American, which had a better punchline and made more "sense" in terms of mocking the broken English of native Americans.

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the
Varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave,
He continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him ?" pointing to a second, older man,
"Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

The Chief shook his head, saying "No, no deer. Ass too high, run too fast."
 
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