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Joke gallery

A lawyer, a priest, and a rabbi are on a plane filled with boy scouts who are headed for a camping trip. The engine catches fire and the pilot warns that the plane is going to crash. The flight attendant asks the adults if they would help her make sure that the children's seat belts are secured.

The lawyer yells "Screw those kids!"
The Priest replies, "Do you think we have time?"
While the Rabbi asks, "Outta what?"
 
A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic, and a Mormon are shipwrecked on a small desert island. They have very little food and water, and the situation is perilous.

The Muslim finds a corner of the beach, prostrates himself, and prays to Allah for succor.

The Mormon finds a different corner and prays fervently to God.

The Catholic heads for a palm tree, sits down, and begins reciting the rosary non-stop, her beads miraculously having survived the wreck.

The Jew continues hanging out by the shore, picking up a shell now and then, and occasionally skipping rocks.

After a little while, the Muslim, Mormon, and Catholic realize that the Jew's just idly staring off into the distance, whistling a little tune, instead of doing everything possible to get them saved. They confront the Jew and say, "Hey, you jerk! We're all doing the best we can to get a little divine intervention here! How about you help us cover your base, eh?"

The Jew just smiles for a moment. Then she says, "Well, over the past ten years, I've donated about $20,000 to the Jewish Federation."

The Catholic, outraged, replies, "So what? What does that have to do with anything?"

The Jew answers, "Don't worry. They'll find me."
 
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.


Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.


Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.


"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.


The man looked at the executioner and said,

"Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

 
This one has been around for decades..............................................




A woman gets on a bus holding her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the fare box and takes an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her senses that she is agitated and asks her what is wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumes.

The man sympathizes and says: "Really? He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she says. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea", he says. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 
Theresa May goes to the bank: "Good morning", says Theresa "could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Ms , but could you please show me some identification?"
May : "I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm Theresa May, The Prime Minister."
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are Ms,. but with all the bank regulations, monitoring, impostors and forgers etc., I must insist on seeing some identification".
May "Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"
Cashier: "I'm sorry Ms , but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".
May: "I'm urging you, please cash this cheque for me".
Cashier: "Look Ms, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup.
With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque.
On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray."
May starts to think and think and finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes into my mind. In fact I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."
Cashier: "Will it be large or small notes you require Mrs May?"
 
Without a script or even a bullet list of talking points, Labor leader Bill Shorten was this morning forced to think of his own things to say, during a tough breakfast conversation with his wife and children.

A panicked Shorten tried to improvise conversation about the familiar topics of Medicare and education spending, before an advisor belatedly brought in the morning’s scripts.

Recomposed, Mr Shorten said that he welcomed the opportunity to speak with his family today and looked forward to listening to their concerns. “On the topic of breakfast, can I first say this. We will have egg; we will have bacon; we will have coffee,” Mr Shorten said.

The would-be Prime Minister guaranteed that there would be no further cuts to his toast and committed to a more even spread of vegemite across all areas of the toast before the end of the morning.

Asked for condiments at the other side of the table, Mr Shorten confirmed he would pass the salt within his first ten days in office.
 
Why did the blind man wear a monocle at the opera?

He thought it would be a spectacle.

[moi - but my make your own joke thread is superfluous since this one is kicking along]
 
C'est Darth Vader qui rentre dans une boulangerie. Il demande quoi à ton avis?

Trios pains et deux tartes tatins. Tu sais pourquois?


PAIN!
PAIN!
PAIN!
TARTE TATIN, TARTE TARTIN!!

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzWSJG93P8[/youtube]

 
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
 
I was walking down the street and passed a lady at an ATM. She said she was having trouble.
"Could you help me find many balance?"
Certainly I replied as I pushed her over.
 
People who get "burro" confused with "burrow" don't know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground.
 
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Car", not a single one could shout "bike".

:rimshot:
 
Two fish are in a tank.
one turns to the other and says,
"You drive, I'll man the guns"
 
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