Things that make you laugh...

[Keith&Co.]

I showed up for work, naked. COVID was not a concern, so everyone was there. Only i was naked. No one commented on my lack of dress. Except our administrative assistant. She just said she liked the dinosaur costume better.

And how did that make you feel?

Well, i spent $70 on the Trixie suit, the other i just got on my birthday....

 

[Keith&Co.]

Anyone else ever run into brain suckers?

Where a family member spider-crawls their hand up onto your head, then either makes with the slurping noises as it eats your brains, or coughs and dies 'of starvation.'

It's about as sophisticated as 'got your nose.' But my wife just brain-suckered my kid. And now i am obsessing on the idea of a brain-sucker zombie.
They already have the evolved systems to find, reach, and acquire your brain, and the temperament. They're just unkillable and unstoppable, now. "Bwainnns.....yay."

I may be up too late.

 

[Elixir]

Anyone else ever run into brain suckers?

Where a family member spider-crawls their hand up onto your head, then either makes with the slurping noises as it eats your brains, or coughs and dies 'of starvation.'

It's about as sophisticated as 'got your nose.' But my wife just brain-suckered my kid. And now i am obsessing on the idea of a brain-sucker zombie.
They already have the evolved systems to find, reach, and acquire your brain, and the temperament. They're just unkillable and unstoppable, now. "Bwainnns.....yay."

I may be up too late.

Finally! Donald "Dumbfuck" Trump explained!

 

[Keith&Co.]

0230 hours.
I woke up to the sound of the house settling. Maybe. It was really loud creaking sound. I thought the bed might be sinking through the floor. It wasn't repeated.
After a few minutes, i asked my wife, "Did you fart, or is the house collapsing?"

Didn't leave an actual bruise, though the arm is tender this morning.

 

[ZiprHead]

Amazon Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears Reviews





Keith, I recommend you don't get any ideas.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Amazon Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears Reviews





Keith, I recommend you don't get any ideas.

They would kill me.
Plus, my wife works there now. They're her coworkers, and she won't protect me.

 

[ZiprHead]

Amazon Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears Reviews





Keith, I recommend you don't get any ideas.

They would kill me.
Plus, my wife works there now. They're her coworkers, and she won't protect me.

This is the one that made me think of you.:

To preface this, I will state that it is not good to upset anyone in the military supply network. This is especially true for a supply NCO (non-commissioned officer) who can be both creative and vindictive to those who earn his ire.

One of my biggest pet peeves was troopies who walked into my supply room and decided to go through things on my counter or desk. It is for this reason that I purchased two bags of these sweet little revenge snacks.

I briefed my minions that morning that the snacks were to be unsullied by their hands. I told them that I would know and it would not go unpunished by both myself and the higher powers. They thought I was joking, but decided to not test my authority before my eyes.

With that said, I placed the bowl on the back part of the counter just in reach of anyone loitering inside my supply room. The rules were posted for all to see when they came in. So, they were warned. A large sign that said, “If you touch my stuff, you will be punished.” They decided to test me, I guess.

On this weekend, we were set to do general cleaning and maintenance within the Battalion. So, my desk was rather busy (Battalion Headquarters supply room). I was in and out of my office all day. However, I made sure to take general measurements of my bowl of horror every time I came back.

Shortly before lunch, my unholy wrath began to strike. My supply room is one door down from the latrines and the row of male commodes is on the other side of the wall from my desk. It was the first, but was not the last.

It was initially heralded by the sound of Gabriel’s trumpet escaping the sphincter of one poor soul. He hit the latrine and sounded as if he kicked the stall door open. For the next thirty minutes, I listened to the sounds of a live humpback whale being butchered by a blind man wielding a chainsaw.

It was not long before another troop, this time a female, made her way to the latrine. She came from the indoor pistol range and had to cross in front of my door. I saw a pale woman with sweat streaking her face. She was hobbling with one hand on the wall for support and the other on her stomach praying for just a little more time.

For lunch, I ripped into an MRE (the Army brown bag lunch) and listened to the ever-growing chorus of those who had so far snuck down half of my bowl of brightly-colored Improvised Colon Explosive Devices. I was not sure if the other side of the building was seeing the same activity in the latrines, but the smell reached my door by the end of lunch. Good thing I was stationed with an Infantry unit for the first four years of my career, so I was accustomed to bad odors.

One of my minions did not return from lunch, so I volunteered another to perform a possibly suicidal scouting mission into the male latrine in search of my wayward soul. He was there, and had been since the beginning of lunch.

By 15:00 (3M), I was told that the unit was being locked down and there was an emergency meeting in the Battalion briefing room. I had a suspicion of the reason, but attended as I was ordered to do so. By this time, my bowl of gelatinous bowel howitzer ammunition was one quarter filled.

The meeting began slightly off schedule. At 15:22, the Sergeant Major walked into the room and looked as if he had just performed a three-day combat operation without sleep. The Battalion X.O. walked in not long after and looked as if he had been intimately assaulted by a rather insistent horse. I used all of my military bearing to keep from cracking a joke about cavalry officers walking bow-legged.

The Battalion Surgeon walked in and told us that there was a high chance that the unit had come in contact with a strange stomach bug. Roughly half of the battalion was complaining of stomach cramps and explosive diarrhea. It seemed to mostly be affecting HHC (the headquarters) and C Co. (the company that was on the same side of the building as us—also the medics). Until symptoms cleared up, the unit was in lock-down and cleaning mode.

I went back to my supply room with the intent to bag up the remaining evidence of my involvement only to find that the bowl was missing. My minions were too wrapped up to notice anything, though. So, I began a search for the evidence that would probably land me in front of a firing squad.

The empty bowl was located in the admin offices. Someone found it and decided to liberate it from my supply room for the only group that I didn’t want to upset. But, they had already consumed the remainder of the biological weapons. As I left with the bowl, I heard the familiar sound of incoming fire from the senior pay clerk’s desk, followed shortly after by what sounded like Lamaze breathing.

That weekend, the entire building was cleaned from one side to the other. MREs were consumed in the hopes of plugging the torrential flood of liquid terror and every door and window was opened with fans going over a cup of pinesol in every room. Three-quarters of the enlisted and half of the officers were hit with the mystery stomach bug and the medical supply room was in desperate need of more I.V. kits.

I don’t know if my message got across, but it was definitely an entertaining weekend.

 

[Keith&Co.]

This is the one that made me think of you.:

i can only bow before a true master.

 

[Angry Floof]

Found this quote in an old email. Not sure who it's quoting, but I'm guessing it's a Pratchett character.

“It’s always the groin, isn’t it? Every time you holy men enter the realm of the physical body, you must fiddle with willies, regardless of what deity you’re chit-chatting with! Why is it always like that? Why?!”

 

[bilby]

Found this quote in an old email. Not sure who it's quoting, but I'm guessing it's a Pratchett character.

“It’s always the groin, isn’t it? Every time you holy men enter the realm of the physical body, you must fiddle with willies, regardless of what deity you’re chit-chatting with! Why is it always like that? Why?!”

Not Pratchett, as far as I know (but I wouldn't swear to it in court).

To me that brings to mind Billy Connolly.

 

[Angry Floof]

Found this quote in an old email. Not sure who it's quoting, but I'm guessing it's a Pratchett character.

“It’s always the groin, isn’t it? Every time you holy men enter the realm of the physical body, you must fiddle with willies, regardless of what deity you’re chit-chatting with! Why is it always like that? Why?!”

Not Pratchett, as far as I know (but I wouldn't swear to it in court).

To me that brings to mind Billy Connolly.

Possibly. It doesn't come up in a google search. I know I've heard it before, too, but can't remember where exactly.

 

[Keith&Co.]

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[hyzer]

I am an architect, and I was doing a project in Philadelphia. For any new development, the first thing that you do to learn about a site is to check the zoning classification. Now, back in the day, zoning offices in each municipality published zoning maps - and that is how you found out the zoning classification for any particular site. Then the maps went digital, so that you could look up the site on line. And in Philly, they decided to add an address look up feature to the zoning website, type in any address, and the site would return your zoning classification.

So, back to my project. Being a visual person, I look up the zoning for my client's property on the online map. I know the approximate location, and just "zoom" around the online maps, find the property, it has a very distinctive shape, so I know I've got the right zoning classification.

I do my initial site planning study, placing the building on the site and respecting all of the set backs required for the given zoning classification. I turn in the site plan to zoning office for review. It comes back saying that all of the set backs are incorrect and notes a few other mistakes that I have made. Also says that the zoning classification is wrong.

I retrace my steps. Go on line, pull up the map, nope, I'm right, zoning officer is wrong. I call the zoning officer who insists that she is right. During the call, it occurs to me, she is NOT using the map, she is using the address look up feature. I go to that feature, type in the address, and it returns a different zoning designation, the one that she says is correct. So I cut to the chase - "what takes precedence, the zoning map or the address look up on line?" This knocks her for a loop, but she is steadfast that she is right. Now I am pretty sure that the map takes precedence, so I respectfully get out of the call, without accepting her ruling. I know her boss, the director, so I place a call to the director and ask the same question "what takes precedence, the zoning map or the address look up on line?" To which she instantly responds "The map, of course. Last year we hired interns to hand enter each address in the City into the address look-up feature. I'm sure that there are some mistakes. You find one?"

Yup, would you tell that to your staff . . .

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[spikepipsqueak]

I've been loosely following the discussion on Karens and facepalming a fair bit, but nothing quite got to me like the home grown example I heard about on the radio today.

Evidently some woman wanted to walk into Bunnings without a mask. The bloke at the door asked her to put one on.

She was filming this because of how much in the right she was as she abused him, referring to a Bill of Rights we don't have, and other legal rights that should be trumped by simple human co-operation, ending with - and I quote - "I am a living woman, I can do what I like."

I think she might have been going to go the "Free, white, and over 21." cliche, but stopped herself.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

 

[bilby]

I've been loosely following the discussion on Karens and facepalming a fair bit, but nothing quite got to me like the home grown example I heard about on the radio today.

Evidently some woman wanted to walk into Bunnings without a mask. The bloke at the door asked her to put one on.

She was filming this because of how much in the right she was as she abused him, referring to a Bill of Rights we don't have, and other legal rights that should be trumped by simple human co-operation, ending with - and I quote - "I am a living woman, I can do what I like."

I think she might have been going to go the "Free, white, and over 21." cliche, but stopped herself.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

It astonishes me how many Australians get all of their information about their legal rights from American TV dramas.

In Queensland, an arrestee has only two rights: The right to know the surname, rank, and duty police station of the arresting officer; And the right to know with what crime(s) they are charged, if and when any charges have been raised.

That's it. No right to silence. No right to legal representation. No right to a phone call. Other states are, I understand, similarly lacking in rights that American and European citizens take for granted - it's a legacy of our history as a continent sized jail.

As a courtesy, and as a political tool to avoid the enshrining of additional rights into law, police here usually provide such things as access to a lawyer, and to a telephone, if it suits them to do so, and they don't believe it will harm their investigation. But they don't have to.

Queensland is a lot less of a police state today than it was before the Fitzgerald inquiry, in the bad old days of Joh and the National Party gerrymander. But it's hardly what anyone would call "free". Australians have "rights" because they are implied and assumed - they aren't written down anywhere, and exist entirely at the whim of the authorities. If the cops want to deny you those "rights", because they don't like your attitude, your skin colour, or your political views (or for any other reason) then they simply can - and there's very little you can do about it.

 

[Patooka]

In the US, you aren't obligated to a phone call - that's a TV myth as well.

 

[Patooka]

Apologies for the double post, but this seems appropriate for the discussion:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQkl7-0RjDw[/youtube]

 

[ZiprHead]