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Things that make you laugh...

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
 
gmbteach said:
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
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This joke is based on the assumption that Christians are morally superior.

Given that most of us are familiar with the evidence showing that this is not the case (as well as the logical arguments against Christian claims of moral superiority), I have a hard time finding this funny.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Underseer said:
This joke is based on the assumption that Christians are morally superior. .
Click to expand...
No, it's based on Christain claims of being morally superior....and holding them accountable for it.
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I read that one as typical of the kinds of jokes and stories Christians tell each other to sort of scold each other for not living up to the virtues preached. Yes, it is based in the assumption that Christian ideology is superior.
 
My mother-in-law once came to visit us when we lived in Virginia Beach. It's a tourist mecca, so when she said she needed to visit the ATM, i felt confident that some bank, somewhere, would have a network in common with her own bank. We searched high and low. She would walk in, come back out, "Nope, won't work." I assumed that she was actually putting the card into the ATM.
After the tenth bank, i yanked the card out of her hands. There were five logos on the back that matched the little plaque on the ATM's door.
"Okay, if it's not working, your card must be broken. We'll have to call your bank-"
"What makes you think my card is broken?"
"Well, if you put it in and none of these five networks allowed you access to your account, then the card must be faulty so we'll-"
"I never put the card in," she protested.
"Excuse me?"
"I never put the card in."

Each of these trips to the ATM, she looked for the name of her bank back home, across about four state lines and a time zone. I had to explain about networks and walked her in to physically ensure she put the card into the freaking slot. It worked the first time.

But that's not the funny part.

I was telling this story to some friends of ours and my wife took me aside later, smiling, "Yeah, i remember that day, but why did you say YOU were the one taking her around?"
"Because i was the one taking her around."

Turns out, same fucking trip, my wife had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE with her mother, with the exact same resolution. We can't remember, now, enough details to know who this happened to first, but it happened to both of us within a two-week period.
 
Coworker sneezes.
I say 'Gesundheit.' It's a formula, you know? Someone sneezes, the social expectation is one of two responses, they say 'thank you' and we all go on with our lives.

No. He leaves his cubicle to come lecture me. "You know, many people think 'Gesundheit' is German for 'God Bless You.' But really, it just means 'to your health.' The Proper (I swear, I heard him Capitalize the word) and Polite (!) response is to say 'God Bless You.'"
"Oh. Okay. I'll try to remember that," I said.
He goes back to his cubicle and in about a minute comes up with the fakest sneeze since my Youngest child decided to tell me that i'd put too much pepper in the food.

I sat quietly. Didn't say nothin'.

He fake sneezed again. Silence.

A fellow submarine veteran in another cube farted, noisily, as is his wont. I asked, "Mark? Did you just fart?"
"Yes, I did."
"Bless you."
 
Keith&Co. said:
Coworker sneezes.... Did you just fart?"
"Yes, I did."
"Bless you."
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So, I just had a conversation with a middle level manager. One of those that starts with, "Now, there isn't a formal complaint against you, but I was hoping we could have a conversation before someone lodges a complaint against you."

"Okay, sure." Because i'm all about heading off formal complaints. People in HR have much more important things to do than harsh my mellow.

SOMEONE took offense at my blessing someone for farting. "Well, for about 20 yeas, my normal response has been 'gesundheit,' but I hear that's not polite."

Manager got the full story. Personally, I think the polite thing to do when someone sneezes is EITHER gesundheit or bless you.
And I personally think the polite response to gesundheit OR bless you is 'thank you.'
He didn't like what I said, I didn't like his expression of dislike (the lecture), he didn't like MY expression of dislike (bless your ass, Mark). Seems to me like we can either agree to disagree and ignore each other until the zombie uprising, or one of us has to compromise his firmly held personal opinions.

Manager is in a panic that this is going to escalate into a lawsuit or perhaps come to the attention of Upper Management.

"But, is it really that firmly held a position on your part?" he asks. "Do you really HAVE to say Gesundheit?"
"It's polite," I said. "And mommy wants me to be polite."
"But you agree that 'God bless' is polite, too."
I never actually used that term. I said 'bless you,' not 'God bless you.' I was careful about that.
So we agreed that in the office, I would respond to sneezes asking a deity to ensure the health of the sneezing person and he let me out of the office.

I'm just waiting, now. No one's sneezing. Dammit.

See, I played several clerics in AD&D campaigns. So it won't take much for me to come up with something on the spot like 'Ki bless you.'
Or Zeus. Athena, Odin, Amateratsu, Corn Woman, Hera, El, Venus, Easter, Astarte, Ishtar, Anansi... And then when someone asks: I said Ki. A Sumerian Goddess of Nature. Why?

Boss man wants me to use 'god bless you' but didn't specify which god, did he? Would you prefer Allah?

Or get me written up because I was willing to say gesundheit?
 
General Dynamics, Mission Systems. We make the fire control system for the Trident submarine.... And other stuff, they tell me.
 
Keith&Co. said:
'Ki bless you.'
Or Zeus. Athena, Odin, Amateratsu, Corn Woman, Hera, El, Venus, Easter, Astarte, Ishtar, Anansi... And then when someone asks: I said Ki. A Sumerian Goddess of Nature. Why?
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Loki, perhaps. More people will recognize it.

And don't forget to make a formal complaint yourself if it comes to it. Your coworker is trying to make a the workplace hostile in order to coerce you into practicing his religion.
 
Wiploc said:
Your coworker is trying to make a the workplace hostile in order to coerce you into practicing his religion.
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Thanx.
Used that.

It appears to have escalated one management level. Boss' boss' boss got word that I was telling people 'Satan Bless You.' Which is a lie. Or at least, it's not the literal truth.
Unless you're a Christain who believes that any deity-concept who isn't God/Jesus/Spook is Satan in disguise.

Gosh, I wonder who could have made that leap of logic....?

Anyway, I cleared up that I never invoked Satan. But did point out that I was being 'coerced' into making it a religious transaction because 'gesundheit' was unsatisfactory.

She wanted to know what's wrong with 'gesundheit?' I was not able to facilitate her understanding of the distinction.

Anyway, I felt pressured to invoke a deity I don't believe in-

"You're not Christain?" she asked.
"No." Nothing else.
"Then, what are you, Jewish?"
"Um, no," I said, valiantly not laughing at her. Don't laugh at the boss's boss' boss. She guessed Scientologist and Wiccan. I think she was working up the nerve to ask if i'm Muslim, which she didn't want to do, because God forbid, I might have said yes, when I admitted to being an atheist.

An atheist being forced to practice religion in a hostile workplace.

I think it's over. I hope it's over. I nearly bit my tongue at "Quetzalcoatl bless you..."
 
Wiploc said:
Underseer said:
http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/201...with-stabbing-husband-with-a-ceramic-squirrel

I am a bad, bad person for finding this funny.
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"The condition of the squirrel was not reported"? You can't help finding that funny.
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The squirrel was the punchline! :p

original-300x300.jpg
 
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Keith&Co. said:
I think it's over. I hope it's over. I nearly bit my tongue at "Quetzalcoatl bless you..."
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My sister, when people sneeze, says, "Gesundheit"
When they sneeze a second time, she says, "Gesun-wicked-tight"
'Cause she's from Boston, y'know.

Also, my brother used to work at General Dynamics down in Groton. Many funny military stories.
 
"The condition of the squirrel wasn't reported."
Lucky he's not being charged with being an accomplice....
 
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